Would I be wrong to just settle in a relationship?

[devilish]

would I be wrong to just settle in a relationship? Bit of back story we have been in and out of a relationship for the past 6 years we drift apart but always seem to find our way back to each other. I haven’t dated in between our stints apart, he has but nothing serious.
there are things about him that really get on my nerves ( I’m sure it’s the same for him ).
he is a lovely bloke his heart is in the right place and he would do anything thing for me and my daughter but I just feel like something is missing, I hate that I feel like this and I wish more than anything I could get rid of that feeling and just live happily ever after with him.
Would it be really bad of me to just settle for him, I know he would treat me right and we do have a great laugh together most of the time and I know how he feels about me and we do like all of the same stuff.
I’m really not Interested in dating other people I’m in my mid 40’s and I just want to have a safe secure future and I know he can provide this for me.

What are you thinking he will actually provide?

He would provide companionship, friendship, security, support and plus he is a good cook lol

No don’t settle. Would you want your child as an adult to do this?. No you’d want better for her than a man like this. There’ good reason too why you’ve both been on and off with each other these past six years .

And what is missing? (Be honest with yourself and us!)

You can’t like him very much to have such a low opinion of him that you being with him is settling! Would you tell him that?

There’s no mention from you to state that you love
this person. Would this be a marriage of convenience for you both?. Again do not do this to yourself because it’s highly likely to end in divorce and acrimony.

I suppose it’s the allusive “spark” but doesn’t that kinda disappear in most relationships anyway ?

honestly no I wouldn’t tell him I wouldn’t want to hurt his feelings because like I said he is a genuinely nice guy

I can say with almost 90% certainty there would be more feelings on his side and he wouldn’t see it as a marriage of convenience

But would you?.

I suppose if being with him for companionship and security is convenience then i would have to say yes

I would rather be single than with someone I felt I was ‘settling’ for. I would find that more fulfilling.

Well, I say rather I am single 😆

This is terribly unfair on him, he deserves someone to love him and not as an convenience.

You should not use this person like this.

I can say - from experience and nearly 20 years of regret - absolutely and categorically do NOT settle. Seems to make sense at the time, and easily a situation that you can fall into. But it just does not work in the long term. You will end up frustrated, lonely, regretful, forever kicking yourself that you settled for something that was just not quite right. As Bridget Jones said (and I wish I’d listened to her wise words): “I’m looking for something extraordinary”. As in - don’t settle for someone that you don’t love, cherish, or feel excited by their company. Believe me.

So convenience and security = with him for his money?

I think if I described my different bfs and love interests, my marriage to dh wouldn’t sound like the culmination of a great love story. He wasn’t the best looking, the best lover, the richest, the most adventurous. He wasn’t my grand passion but we are best friends, lovers, companions and completely committed to the life we’ve built. It wasn’t settling, as much as wising up and growing up.

If I could choose him again, I would in a heartbeat, and I wish I could have met him sooner. Except I’d probably have missed his great qualities if we had.

No absolutely not I earn a little more than him I don’t want/need his money

The 'spark' that you are referring to @devilish does not disappear in a healthy, working relationship, just because some time has passed. It evolves. There is a stark difference. The spark of the initial stage of a romantic relationship becomes deeper in an ideal world, the pink clouds become something real, you see the person for who they are, and love them as they are - again, in an ideal world.

You keep being on an off, something is clearly dysfunctional, it is not cute or romantic that you find your way back to each other, it just means that you revert back for comfort. You know for a fact something is missing in you, there is no question about it, so not much to do there. Just because he is a nice bloke and in theory it should work, doesn't mean it does, humans don't work that way. And if you are considering settling for the comfort, that is a horrible step, given that you have a daughter. Kids are not dumb, they grow up absorbing things being normalised around them.. your kid will grow up with mum being in a relationship where she clearly is not in love, only settling for comfort.

Be honest, would you like seeing your daughter in the future settling for a relationship like that? I am willing to chance that you wouldn't.

I always say it's better to be alone than with the wrong person.

How much do you enjoy sex with him? Are you excited to go to bed with him?

Do you look forward to future of shagging him for the next 30 years?

I would be devastated to know someone settled for me.

Absolutely DO NOT SETTLE. You’ll regret it.

It's a bit shit for him isn't it? Doesn't he deserve to be with someone who actually loves him?

I think you'd have to be a fairly crappy person to actually go ahead with this @devilish

From what you’re saying you’ve never had it to begin with .
I wouldn’t enter into a relationship I feel there is no spark in , & I certainly wouldn’t settle .
What are you doing only causing a load of trouble for yourself down the road .
He’s not going to suddenly grow on you you know ?
You guys just keep going back to one another over the past 6 years out of comfort & familiarity.
You haven’t mentioned once you find him attractive OP or that sex is really good .
Anyway, I wouldn’t be settling.
Won’t end well , you’ll find you’re much older & harder again to meet someone.

I am on my own by choice, and there have been occasions where I have thought I was lonely and considered being with someone who I didn't truly love. I'm glad I didn't do that in the end - not because I am super virtuous - but because I have crafted a life with friends, family and my children and it's full up. I can do whatever I want, when I want. I prefer to be single now (mainly because most men my age have a huge amount of baggage and I don't want to talk at length about someone's evil ex wife over my spag bol). My humble advice, is do not marry someone you do not love. Date yourself for a bit, see how that feels? I did - turns out I'm an amazing catch! 🤣 And "Mr Right" will always beat "Mr right now", but if you're otherwise engaged, you could miss out.