Would I be wrong to just settle in a relationship?

[devilish]

would I be wrong to just settle in a relationship? Bit of back story we have been in and out of a relationship for the past 6 years we drift apart but always seem to find our way back to each other. I haven’t dated in between our stints apart, he has but nothing serious.
there are things about him that really get on my nerves ( I’m sure it’s the same for him ).
he is a lovely bloke his heart is in the right place and he would do anything thing for me and my daughter but I just feel like something is missing, I hate that I feel like this and I wish more than anything I could get rid of that feeling and just live happily ever after with him.
Would it be really bad of me to just settle for him, I know he would treat me right and we do have a great laugh together most of the time and I know how he feels about me and we do like all of the same stuff.
I’m really not Interested in dating other people I’m in my mid 40’s and I just want to have a safe secure future and I know he can provide this for me.

And to add - you surely rather say "I do!" Wuth full gusto that a half hearted "I suppose you'll do". ❤️

I would ask myself if I loved him and if I was attracted to him.

If not I would leave. Because I couldn't endure a relationship with someone who didn't love me and wasn't attracted to me. So I couldn't do that to somebody else.

I want to say leave but in real life, I know that's too simplistic. Life in old age is lonely, people need companionship. Someone to have a drink with on Friday night, to have a chat with, to go on holiday etc.

I would think deeper as to why that "spark" is not there. In my experience, there's a real valid reason when you think about it carefully.

It’s been 25 years and the spark is still alive in
my relationship.

life is too short for what’s essentially a friends with mediocre benefits situation that’s had the word "relationship" tacked onto it.

He sounds like he would make a good friend.

It’s better to live without that pit in your stomach. Better to be single if need be.

If you feel you are missing a spark after six years read up on limerance. Was there a spark to begin with?

I feel there’s a way to communicate this to him sensitively and honestly. I think he needs to have some kind of heads up of how you see him.

Maybe he will be ok with this if he’s confident you’re in this for the long haul. For some men (and women) commitment is more important than knowing their partner is deeply in love with them.

Obviously choose your words carefully, But I do believe he deserves to know.

Now divorced after settling. You will question yourself every time you see him. He will give you bigger icks along the way. You will hate yourself for settling and not deeming yourself worthy in waiting to meet the right man. Please don't settle. Please wait. It will save you so much grief in the long run.

Life in old age is lonely, people need companionship. Someone to have a drink with on Friday night, to have a chat with, to go on holiday etc.

That's what friends are for.

It’s not the same. People usually (understandably) prioritise the people they live with which tends to be their partner.

Plenty of single women and even single men talk about being left with the scraps of their friends time or the difficulties they face if for example they go to hospital for an emergency or are unwell at home.

You don’t have the same kind of in-built support and companionship that comes from a (decent) partner. It takes a lot more work and planning to have company, and to make sure you’re taking care of when poorly. I say all this as someone who is single.

For example I’ve got my neighbour who I’m good friends with and I have had to think ahead and given her my spare key in cases of emergency I can text her . She otoh has her husband she can easily rely on in emergencies.

How weird to think a man can provide you with a stable, safe future. Lol.
This guy can’t even provide you with a solid relationship.

Relationships aren’t a necessity. They’re something you only get into if your life is happier and better with that person in it. If they are worth risking your current peace and stability for.

You’re a grown women with a kid, provide for your own future. Men are, if anything, a risk.

I would say no, but I think it depends on who you are. If you had a series of bad relationships or lots of upheaval in your life and were craving stability and you really liked the person but were not in love, I can see why it might be attractive. You have to really need something from the relationship to invest in it, and a real need for security (though far from ideal) can help that.

If it is just convenient to get married, I think it is a big mistake. Both of you don't seem committed so being stuck together in a marriage will feel like being trapped and that is difficult to sustain. There would be no reason to invest in the relationship. Resentment is likely to grow which can eat into you and bitterness in the relationship can set in to make you then part ways. 'Settling' sounds easy but can be terribly difficult in the long run.

i feel sorry for him, he deserves better than you

It is something worth taking to heart above @devilish . It is not really fair on him. He should have the chance to be with someone as someone's first choice... and not just some placeholder.

Never settle; it causes resentment.

You are young, fi;d someone to love. Or buy a dog.

I am providing my own future I have a nice paid job, my own home, own car, im financially stable and I’m about to send my daughter to university all on my own so as a grown woman i feel im doing pretty well in that department

That’s not a particularly helpful or constructive response — I’m here for genuine perspectives, not personal digs.

Sounds like you need to set him free to meet someone who likes him for him, rather than what he can provide to you.

What is so great about you, that you think you are the one who is settling?

How would you feel if he got in a serious relationship with someone else?

I’m not actually “so great” and I never said I was. That’s not what this is about.

I have my flaws and faults, like I’m sure you do too.

If he got into another relationship of course it would sting, but ultimately I would have to accept it and I would genuinely be happy for him if he was happy.

Break up with him and cut ties completely and let him move on. Best for you both.

Everyone settles. I'm happily married to DH for 30 years. I am happy every day I married him.
I could have waited all my life for someone funnier, taller, richer, sparkier, but thank the Lord I 'just settled' for someone who has made my life better every day.
Are you happier when you are with or without this man? If you are happier with him, if your life is better with him, why would you deprive yourself of that in the vague hope someone better might come along?

@Bunnyofhope I get what you’re saying and ultimately yeah you could say everyone who settles down with someone “settles” in that respect, but I don’t think OP is necessarily looking out for something better.

She’s just wondering if it’s the right thing to do in marrying someone you don’t feel a spark for. Some people do and they’re perfectly happy decades later, even if the spark never comes - but some live to regret it.

But then tbf regrets happens even with some couples who did at one point have a spark and heaps of passion.

it is constructive as he deserves someone who will love him and you’ll be taking that chance away