Would I be wrong to just settle in a relationship?

[devilish]

would I be wrong to just settle in a relationship? Bit of back story we have been in and out of a relationship for the past 6 years we drift apart but always seem to find our way back to each other. I haven’t dated in between our stints apart, he has but nothing serious.
there are things about him that really get on my nerves ( I’m sure it’s the same for him ).
he is a lovely bloke his heart is in the right place and he would do anything thing for me and my daughter but I just feel like something is missing, I hate that I feel like this and I wish more than anything I could get rid of that feeling and just live happily ever after with him.
Would it be really bad of me to just settle for him, I know he would treat me right and we do have a great laugh together most of the time and I know how he feels about me and we do like all of the same stuff.
I’m really not Interested in dating other people I’m in my mid 40’s and I just want to have a safe secure future and I know he can provide this for me.

But he does deserve someone who loves him - you are only considering your perspective, yet this decision affects him too, and you both deserve someone who loves you back.

You say you've got your own home - that would become a marital asset in the case of divorce. There are things about him that already get on your nerves - this would be amplified if you were living together all the time. You don't sound like you really like him.

You have your own home, your daughter's off to uni - you don't need someone else, so why not wait to find someone where you both care about each and have respect for each other, rather than screwing up both your lives?

My friend settled. She once said if she had a salary like mine she wouldn't have bothered getting married......

I was also advised by her to settle for a bloke I knew I didn't want a future with. He had the means to buy us a nice lifestyle and she told me to just get on with it and treat it like a job......

Don’t use someone like that. It’s horrible.

I agree with this. ^

You say I am providing my own future I have a nice paid job, my own home, own car, im financially stable and I’m about to send my daughter to university all on my own so as a grown woman i feel im doing pretty well in that department

So why settle?

You're in a great position to be picky and take your time, to have fun and explore possibilities & opportunities, romantic and otherwise.

Why lock down the first decent convenient man who you don't actually feel that deeply for?

You'd be doing him a disservice because he deserves more than to be "settled for".

You'd be doing yourself a disservice as you'll always have that sense of something missing and may come to resent him or get The Ick.

Being single isn't such a bad thing that you must cling on to the nearest chap.

Only the ones where you settle.

Then why do you have to settle for anything or anyone? I don't understand.

I don’t “have to settle” for anyone. Being independent means I’m not looking for someone to complete or financially support me — not that I don’t want connection or companionship.

And yes, I do feel lonely sometimes, like most people do. Independence doesn’t cancel out normal human feelings

And yes, I do feel lonely sometimes, like most people do. Independence doesn’t cancel out normal human feelings

No, but it does give you far more choices.

Settling for this guy may mean you end up feeling lonely while in a relationship.

I know exactly what you mean. After a very stressful marriage, in summary: lies about OW, money etc I divorced. Quite soon I met someone else, kind, intelligent, funny, loyal, open and honest. He is brilliant with my children too. I am so incredibly lucky, but sometimes I feel like I am settling in that he was never a grand passion. I love him in a caring way and would never hurt him. My deep feelings for him are there but grew slowly- hard to explain, but it started as more of a bless- him rather than thunderbolts.

You haven’t said much about your previous history but I think an easy relationship can feel like ‘settling’ just because it is easy, if you previously learned that love is challenging. Somehow intense difficult past experiences can sort of brainwash you into wrongly associating intensity, that feeling of a knot in your stomach & extreme emotions with how love should be and as a result you then undervalue stability and a more nurturing relationship when it is offered to you.

I would say don’t throw it away just yet and maybe some therapy?

What I’m trying to say is that as you are older love doesn't deliver as fireworks. Is your life better because he is in it?
If you picture being single & dating is that exciting? Or do you feel anxious about a new person’s baggage, disrupting the children with introducing someone new ?

It depends on the individual and what’s important to them. Some people found fireworks in a new relationship at 50, some couples don’t even at 25.

I am guessing most of us settle to some degree, who can say that their partner ticks ALL the boxes when it comes to looks, sex drive, emotional intelligence, chemistry, career, money, hobbies, parenting style etc... I have never met anyone that does all that. There are compromises to some degree.

I think a lot of people confuse "settling" with getting more in tune with each others' particular traits over time. Who wants a factory-sealed robot that is freshly assembled based on your needs and boxes?

So.....you're an independent woman in every way but you'd like a romantic partner who isn't a fuck buddy

That's ok. Good for you for narrowing down what you want.

I'm still unclear as to why an independent woman would settle

You've made a success of your life. You know what you want. Find it. Don't dim your light for anyone

If you're going to love him and treat him with respect-fine. If you're thinking you might leave if a better offer comes along, no. To an extent, we all settle in some ways in life, or else spend it unhappy always looking for something else or refusing to be in a relationship because we might get a Ryan Gosling or Beyonce. The word settle can imply becoming calm and making the choice to be happy and stop madly chasing the impossible.
But never actually say you're "settling" of course.

Fireworks happen at any age.

Doñt ask yourself, " can I live with him?"
Ask yourself, "can I live without him?" If the answer's "yes" he's not the one for you.

Sure. Why not. Sounds a bit depressing but if you need a man to provide companionship, friendship, security, support and do some cooking then he’s ticking your boxes.

OP, you say...

"I’m really not Interested in dating other people I’m in my mid 40’s and I just want to have a safe secure future and I know he can provide this for me."
so it sounds like you are not really settling, he would be giving you everything you want.

I think you need to think more about what you will be giving him in return.

If you can't live without someone, then don't ever have children with them because if that someone dies then you'll die too and nobody will be left to look after the children.

"Can't live without you" is not at cute and "aaawww" as some people think. It is one of the dumbest tropes out there. Do you know what we can't live without? Oxygen. Water. Nutrition.
Pretending that we are in some rom-com where people are physically unable to exist without another specific person is just weird. Do you know what is ironic? Could I live without my wife? Yes. But, do I want to? No. If you think about it, choosing to be with someone every day because you want to is a thousand times stronger and deeper than being with someone because otherwise you'd just die, so you have no choice but to be ankered to that person...

If you just settle he will sense it and eventually cheat on you and by then you’ll have got attached to him and will be heartbroken even though you didn’t like him much in the first place. !!

I agree, a far better expression is 'Life goes on'.