Does this sound ok, relationship with daughter

[Newname10101]

DD is late teen. I’m not going to go into too much detail as this is obviously outing.
18 months ago she reduced contact with me. She very much sided with her father over the divorce settlement outcome, which was a conversation she should never have been part of.
I have always protected her from the coercive control of her father, that has backfired massively.

Things have slowly improved. There’s a family event this summer that she knows about. I’ve given her the option of being involved as much or as little as she would like.

She came to see me yesterday. We spoke about lots of things. I asked her about the family event, she agreed to go. We talked about how I don’t expect her to just attend and be ok, we would need to spend more time together over the coming weeks. She was relieved, and said she will think about that.

I don’t know if I’m overthinking now. I’m worried that she has only agreed to attend to avoid hurting my feelings. I’ve made it clear to her that there is no pressure whatever her decision.

I’m not going to push. In a couple of weeks I’ll maybe suggest we met for a coffee, or whatever she would like to do. Is this the right thing?

Sounds sensible

How old is she?

She’s 19.

Children quite often side with an abuser as unconsciously they want to protect themselves, and they are not aware of being controlled themselves.

What is the event? Are you getting remarried or something?

I'm not sure if I'm misunderstanding, but it reads to Mr that you've told her that you don't only expect her to attend that but also spend more time with you leading up to it? Which sounds like a lot more pressure to me. Or did you mean something else?

Yes agreed.

It is like…. I don’t want you just coming to the event (your wedding @Newname10101 ?) but I expect some regular engagement with you before then

I think if things were rocky for whatever reason putting demands on her might backfire spectacularly

Ok so I’ve made it clear to her that there is absolutely no pressure from me for her to do anything.
It’s her choice if she attends or not.

Re the spending more time together prior to the event, I said that I don’t want for her to feel uncomfortable at the event.

I’m trying to take care of her feelings in all of this.

Just to add, the times when we do see each other are instigated by her.

@OriginalSkang, I’ve placed no expectations on her at all. I’ve given her the option, made it clear that I don’t want her to feel excluded but the decision is hers.

How often have you seen her in 18
months?

and it is your wedding, correct?

@Whatsnextforbea, initially very few times. Since last October probably 8-10 times. More in recent weeks.

No it’s not my wedding.

Honestly, it sounds like you are playing it just right - supportive, open to contact but no pressure, I don’t see what more you can do.

And it is always her suggesting?

If I were you I’d keep the meet-ups very casual, coffee at Costa in town, lunch at M&S, something like that and keep to 2 hours max. No places with alcohol, not yet.

If the event is something she needs to buy something for eg clothes, ask if she’d like help doing this and maybe offer some money towards it.

You could give her a nice card or something when you meet her.

You could suggest what I say. Maybe ask for help choosing something for this event.

If you’re not getting married why does it matter whether she goes to this event? She’s 19 surely she can decide for herself. Why do need to spend more time together beforehand?

It just seems to me that you want to see her more, which is understandable, and you’re using this event as an excuse. I think it would be more straightforward to say you’d like to spend more time with her, rather than making it event focused, and leave the ball in her court.

After a couple of these meetings maybe suggest meet at your/her house. If she is comfy with that.

Sorry just seen you’ve suggested coffee! Maybe cinema? Then you don’t need to talk but can still enjoy each others company.

That sounds really hard.

for any / all extended family events, would let the host invite DD directly (or not), leave it entirely up to DD whether she attends without asking/encouraging her, and not mention the possibility that she might feel uncomfortable or wish to spend time with you in the run up.

With such big challenges in your relationship with DD, your relationship with her is a much higher priority than other family members’ wishes, or your own wishes for DD to attend. If others in your family wish to work on their relationship with DD they can do so directly.

Is it a family event that her father may find out about? Would there be relatives there who have contact with the father?

I’m just thinking maybe she’s awkward about this, particularly if anyone says anything to her about her father or badmouths him. Assuming family is from your side. Again, at the event be careful with drink both you and her. I’m just going on previous family events of my own (so many divorces, step grandparents etc!) where there’s been drink involved and it can get a bit sticky.

Yes. If she has arranged to come round then I will message her on the day to ask what time she is planning to make sure I’m at home but that’s it.

I’m not sure what your point is

Then maybe you could start suggesting meet ups? Needn’t be pressure. Just a “if you free, fancy meeting at Costa for a coffee”

I’m not using the event to see her more.
She has naturally increased her contact over the last few months.

But you said you wanted to see her more before the event?

Ok op…. You seem very sure that all tickidy-boo, so why the thread?