Page 2 | Does this sound ok, relationship with daughter

Newname10101 · 2026-04-05T13:21:57+00:00

DD is late teen. I’m not going to go into too much detail as this is obviously outing. 18 months ago she reduced contact with me. She very much sided with her father over the divorce settlement outcome, which was a conversation she should never have been part of. I have always protected her from the coercive control of her father, that has backfired massively. Things have slowly improved. There’s a family event this summer that she knows about. I’ve given her the option of being involved as much or as little as she would like. She came to see me yesterday. We spoke about lots of things. I asked her about the family event, she agreed to go. We talked about how I don’t expect her to just attend and be ok, we would need to spend more time together over the coming weeks. She was relieved, and said she will think about that. I don’t know if I’m overthinking now. I’m worried that she has only agreed to attend to avoid hurting my feelings. I’ve made it clear to her that there is no pressure whatever her decision. I’m not going to push. In a couple of weeks I’ll maybe suggest we met for a coffee, or whatever she would like to do. Is this the right thing?

Endofyear · 05/04/2026 15:16

You sound like a lovely thoughtful mum and things seem to be going in the right direction. Keep doing what you're doing - you will get there 💐

Original poster

Newname10101 · 05/04/2026 15:18

Whatsnextforbea · 05/04/2026 15:13

Ok op…. You seem very sure that all tickidy-boo, so why the thread?

I’m not sure at all. In my OP I said- I don’t know if I’m overthinking now. I’m worried that she has only agreed to attend to avoid hurting my feelings.

This whole situation has been so difficult, for both of us. I’ve never pushed her. Just feel like I’m tying myself in knots to not push her back further when she has taken positive little steps to reconnecting.

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Aluna · 05/04/2026 15:22

Newname10101 · 05/04/2026 15:07

I’m not using the event to see her more.
She has naturally increased her contact over the last few months.

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Ok good, so go with the flow and don’t put pressure on here about this event.

herbalteabag · 05/04/2026 15:25

Newname10101 · 05/04/2026 15:18

I’m not sure at all. In my OP I said- I don’t know if I’m overthinking now. I’m worried that she has only agreed to attend to avoid hurting my feelings.

This whole situation has been so difficult, for both of us. I’ve never pushed her. Just feel like I’m tying myself in knots to not push her back further when she has taken positive little steps to reconnecting.

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She might be, because 19 year olds often don't really enjoy extended family events, but if she's doing that it is a positive sign for your relationship really, and a sign that she cares. Or maybe she is looking forward to seeing people she hasn't seen much of recently?
My 18 year old tolerates family events but only goes out of expectation half of the time. I think just checking in with her that she's happy to go, and reminding her that if she doesn't want to it's ok, is enough.

Myneighboursnorlax · 05/04/2026 15:39

I actually disagree with some of your approach here - you’ve made it very clear that she is the one suggesting the meet ups and you leave it to her to reach out. You’ve said you don’t push her, and made it clear that it’s her decision to attend this event, there’s no pressure etc. You even said “I made it clear that I don’t want her to feel excluded but the decision is hers”

I completely understand why you’ve taken this approach, but if I was a 19 year old who didn’t see much of my mum, I’d feel really pushed out by this. I’d want to feel that my mum wanted me to come, rather than just not wanting me to feel left out. I’d wonder why I was having to suggest all the meet ups, like she didn’t want to see me otherwise. Just another perspective.

Dery · 05/04/2026 15:59

I agree with @Myneighboursnorlax - to me it sits a bit oddly that you leave it to her to initiate meet-ups. I’m sure you’re responding to the situation which occurred but do you think she might appreciate you reaching out more?

Whatsnextforbea · 05/04/2026 16:03

Myneighboursnorlax · 05/04/2026 15:39

I actually disagree with some of your approach here - you’ve made it very clear that she is the one suggesting the meet ups and you leave it to her to reach out. You’ve said you don’t push her, and made it clear that it’s her decision to attend this event, there’s no pressure etc. You even said “I made it clear that I don’t want her to feel excluded but the decision is hers”

I completely understand why you’ve taken this approach, but if I was a 19 year old who didn’t see much of my mum, I’d feel really pushed out by this. I’d want to feel that my mum wanted me to come, rather than just not wanting me to feel left out. I’d wonder why I was having to suggest all the meet ups, like she didn’t want to see me otherwise. Just another perspective.

And one I wholly agree with

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 05/04/2026 16:10

When my half siblings went through their dad’s divorce, one was 17 or 18. They had no contact with their dad, he was an alcoholic but was advised to stay away. Sadly I think the divorce did affect them all in various ways and then their father died within the next 2-3 years. So it’s good there’s open dialogue with your daughter now.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 05/04/2026 16:10

When my half siblings went through their dad’s divorce, one was 17 or 18. They had no contact with their dad, he was an alcoholic but was advised to stay away. Sadly I think the divorce did affect them all in various ways and then their father died within the next 2-3 years. So it’s good there’s open dialogue with your daughter now.

Original poster

Newname10101 · 05/04/2026 16:11

DD is very aware that I would love to see more of her. I’ve been very careful to go at her pace.

I have spoken to her on a couple of occasions that if/when she feels ready, we can go for a coffee or whatever she would like to do.

I’m very aware that she needs to feel that I want to see her and she does know this.

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Original poster

Newname10101 · 05/04/2026 16:12

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 05/04/2026 16:10

When my half siblings went through their dad’s divorce, one was 17 or 18. They had no contact with their dad, he was an alcoholic but was advised to stay away. Sadly I think the divorce did affect them all in various ways and then their father died within the next 2-3 years. So it’s good there’s open dialogue with your daughter now.

That must have been difficult for them @Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain

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Original poster

Newname10101 · 05/04/2026 16:30

Dery · 05/04/2026 15:59

I agree with @Myneighboursnorlax - to me it sits a bit oddly that you leave it to her to initiate meet-ups. I’m sure you’re responding to the situation which occurred but do you think she might appreciate you reaching out more?

Sorry I’ve not been clear, so far she has only come to the house.

Also, I’ve been maintaining contact. When our relationship was good, we always FaceTimed or messages to say good morning and night.

I’ve continued to message her twice a day. I did say if she didn’t want me to do that then I would stop. She didn’t want me to not message .

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Cushionsplease · 06/04/2026 21:14

Newname10101 · 05/04/2026 16:30

Sorry I’ve not been clear, so far she has only come to the house.

Also, I’ve been maintaining contact. When our relationship was good, we always FaceTimed or messages to say good morning and night.

I’ve continued to message her twice a day. I did say if she didn’t want me to do that then I would stop. She didn’t want me to not message .

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When your relationship was “good”… you still weren’t living together?

Original poster

Newname10101 · 06/04/2026 21:34

Cushionsplease · 06/04/2026 21:14

When your relationship was “good”… you still weren’t living together?

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She divided her time 50/50 between her father and I. So the FaceTime and messages where the days she wasn’t with me.

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Cushionsplease · 07/04/2026 06:37

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eastersundaes · 07/04/2026 07:38

Doesn’t sound like she reduced contact that much and I think you are being overly anxious based on the information you have given. You message twice per day and she visits at your home? TBH you sound a bit…..wet ….sorry … she’s an adult … tell her the truth of the divorce - if she’s mature enough to decide to go low contact with you then she’s old enough to know both sides of the story. Woman up and stop letting your ex dictate the narrative

Regularcopyinside · 07/04/2026 14:31

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NewcastleNancy · 07/04/2026 15:53

Not easy. I have had the same thing and my DD sided with my XH (and lived with him) who was abusive and continues to control her. I have had to very much go slowly slowly and now we have a loving relationship. I don't see her as much as I want but she's at uni now and when I see her there, she is v loving. Obviously he doesn't know I am there and can't interfere.

I did remarry and she said her favourite part of our wedding (she was a bridesmaid) was spending the morning with me getting ready. Yet my XH was messaging her about house prices! And she has to reply straight away or hhe gest angry. She is starting to see it all much clearer now she is older.

I think it is a case of making it easy and no stress. Mine is 19 too. It is very young and tough for them to have to be dragged into stuff (I had to settle with my whining Ex) they should never have been involved in.

Original poster

Newname10101 · 10/04/2026 08:22

@NewcastleNancy I’m glad things are so much better for you and your daughter.

And agree that it’s awful for the children that they are aware of issues they should never be due to their father’s bitterness over the divorce.

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RubyBiscuit1 · 10/04/2026 19:10

It was initially 50/50 and then the settlement led her to cut contact with you?

Original poster

Newname10101 · 10/04/2026 20:09

@RubyBiscuit1 yes. Her father told her everything instead of protecting her. There was a mesher order in place, he played the woe is me re having to sell the house

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RubyBiscuit1 · 10/04/2026 20:35

Newname10101 · 10/04/2026 20:09

@RubyBiscuit1 yes. Her father told her everything instead of protecting her. There was a mesher order in place, he played the woe is me re having to sell the house

So she just knows the truth?

Original poster

Newname10101 · 10/04/2026 20:47

RubyBiscuit1 · 10/04/2026 20:35

So she just knows the truth?

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Yes, and she was angry with me and chose to side with her father.
She was aware of the order from age 17.

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RubyBiscuit1 · 10/04/2026 20:58

So whilst your ex was wrong to tell her the truth of the order as it was between you and your ex… she knew the truth and decided to cut contact with you. So either the truth is such that she didn’t want anything to do with her mother or… well, I don’t know. You must have got a kick ass lawyer?

All very strange. Anyway it’s looking up now. Hope all continues to improve

Original poster

Newname10101 · 10/04/2026 21:24

RubyBiscuit1 · 10/04/2026 20:58

So whilst your ex was wrong to tell her the truth of the order as it was between you and your ex… she knew the truth and decided to cut contact with you. So either the truth is such that she didn’t want anything to do with her mother or… well, I don’t know. You must have got a kick ass lawyer?

All very strange. Anyway it’s looking up now. Hope all continues to improve

I’m not omitting anything re our relationship.
The order was standard divorce law outcome, 50/50 division of marital assets.
I don’t see what is strange.

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