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Original poster

Is he just not that into me? (Long, sorry)

63 replies

Heytheredelilah26 · 04/04/2026 16:14

Bit of a long one so I shall try and condense it down.

Reconnected with a long time ex 3 years ago following an amicable divorce. I have one child. He has never married. No children.

He and his ex sold their house when they split but lost money and only walked away with £10k each. He's spent £5k of this since then on things he needed (car and deposit for a rental flat). He was working full time in a job he hates but dropped to part time and says he wants to retrain into a new profession. He lives 60 miles away.

He had a vasectomy this year after our discussions regarding protection and more children.

He has not yet met my child. We spend 1 night a week together overnight and then 2-3 short breaks a year while child is with their father.

We have discussed next steps and agreed he would need to move here as I don't want to disrupt my child. I live in my old marital home and the agreement is that I leave if I begin a new relationship or when child is 18. I only have the money in my savings (£4k) currently to put toward a deposit for a house.

DP had said two years ago about retraining but has still taken no steps to start this. He hates his job but hasn't looked for a new one, either in home town or in my town. When he moved into his flat he said he would start putting £350 a month into savings to increase his savings for a deposit for us but hasn't done this. I do put money aside each month into savings but I work PT and am retraining myself around my child who has SEN so I cannot currently save more than I am.

Backstory over - I am starting to think that although he is talking the talk and saying the right things, he isn't serious about moving here. Surely if he was he would have taken action by now? He hasn't even asked about meeting my child for over a year.

I love him. I adore him. We were very young (I was 23) when we first split up as we were in different places in our lives (he wasn't ready to live in the same town - never mind the same flat).......he swears he wants the whole package now but is it me or do his actions suggest otherwise?

I don't want to keep stringing this out if this is all its ever going to be. He is 40 now and I am 37. I feel like if he were truly wanting this relationship to work he wouldn't still be sitting idle on saving and finding a job / retraining?

Am I wrong? My heart and head are so conflicted. I don't want to end things but I don't want to string it out any longer. Similarly - I don't want to issue an ultimatum. I feel like I did that once before when we were younger and I just don't think I should have to spell it out for him?

OP posts:
Endofyear · 04/04/2026 19:29

From what you've said, he sounds like someone with commitment issues. Why did his last relationship break down?

I'm all for caution and not rushing things but 3 years and he hasn't even met your child? That suggests that he's not that serious about actually making a life with you. Maybe he's just quite happy with the status quo?

If he's really unhappy in his job but making no effort to change things, he sounds like someone who's quite passive and not very self-motivated. I'd think very carefully about what a future with him would really look like. I'd also judge him on his actions and not his words. Words are easy.

S0j0urn4r · 04/04/2026 19:37

Contrary to your post title, I'm struggling to work out why you're into him.

tiptoethrutulips · 04/04/2026 19:39

I would walk away. Seriously.

RoyalPenguin · 04/04/2026 19:43

It sounds to me like he likes you but he's happy to keep things on a fairly casual basis. It's up to you decide whether you're happy with that or you want more.

Original poster
Heytheredelilah26 · 04/04/2026 23:17

Endofyear · 04/04/2026 19:29

From what you've said, he sounds like someone with commitment issues. Why did his last relationship break down?

I'm all for caution and not rushing things but 3 years and he hasn't even met your child? That suggests that he's not that serious about actually making a life with you. Maybe he's just quite happy with the status quo?

If he's really unhappy in his job but making no effort to change things, he sounds like someone who's quite passive and not very self-motivated. I'd think very carefully about what a future with him would really look like. I'd also judge him on his actions and not his words. Words are easy.

I do think he has commitment issues - always has.

I do agree I think he is quite passive and lacking in motivation. This has always been the case but he was saying all the right things and seemed to have made positive change but the longer we go the more I see this isn't the case.

OP posts:
Original poster
Heytheredelilah26 · 04/04/2026 23:21

S0j0urn4r · 04/04/2026 19:37

Contrary to your post title, I'm struggling to work out why you're into him.

He makes me feel like I'm the center of the universe. Beautiful, desirable, worth wanting. After my marriage, when I very much did NOT feel that, it has been what I needed.

But then the lack of progress and the lack of self motivation are slowly eroding those positives and reminding me of just why we didn't work out the first time around. I had assumed it was youth at the time and being ready for different things - but it seems that it may actually still be an issue :(

I think I am seeing that this has no real future beyond what it currently is - and I need to decide whether I can be content with that or not.

OP posts:
Whatacoincidence · 04/04/2026 23:29

From bitter, bitter experience I urge you to walk away. Say your home is sold following you and him getting a flat and he bails, leaving you and your DC in a worse position. How long are you prepared to wait for him to grow a brain to go with his penis?

I'd be very worried in case he gets bored and suddenly impales himself on a woman with a free house to move into, no children and savings for whatever vanity project he sells to her.

The whole thing screams 'stopgap'.

Oneisallandallisone · 04/04/2026 23:37

Throw this one back in OP! He brings nothing to the table.

ProfessorRedshoeblueshoe · 04/04/2026 23:41

LTB

Anyahyacinth · 04/04/2026 23:50

2 years and no steps is really bad OP. Don't jeopardise your security in your home for something less and fragile. I don’t think it’s about him I think it’s about you dating potential and NOT reality…part time for no reason and no drive to create something good together..nope.

Pryceosh1987 · 04/04/2026 23:54

In this case only time will prove itself true or false.

MyJollyMentor · 05/04/2026 00:06

It's not just you though...he hasn't retrained, hasn't saved. He's not making progress with anything that I can see. He might like you but be really really passive.

I wouldn't be risking much for him

VoltaireMittyDream · 05/04/2026 00:12

He sounds super passive, OP - and more comfortable whining abbot his job than training for a new one. And certainly don’t think about moving in with him until he’s met your kid! Someone who’s had things his own way for so long might not be prepared for the reality of family life and not being everyone’s number one priority all the time.

Missj25 · 05/04/2026 00:32

Endofyear · 04/04/2026 19:29

From what you've said, he sounds like someone with commitment issues. Why did his last relationship break down?

I'm all for caution and not rushing things but 3 years and he hasn't even met your child? That suggests that he's not that serious about actually making a life with you. Maybe he's just quite happy with the status quo?

If he's really unhappy in his job but making no effort to change things, he sounds like someone who's quite passive and not very self-motivated. I'd think very carefully about what a future with him would really look like. I'd also judge him on his actions and not his words. Words are easy.

This post says it all really .

Showing zero interest in meeting your child & you guys are together 3 years .
Don’t let it get to four OP , in all fairness you’re wasting your time with this guy .

itsnotalwaysthateasy · 05/04/2026 01:38

He hasn't done what he said he would do re training. He hasn't met your son. He is very much avoidant. Throw this one back. Please find someone who who appreciates you and your son.

ForNoisyCat · 05/04/2026 02:34

Heytheredelilah26 · 04/04/2026 23:17

I do think he has commitment issues - always has.

I do agree I think he is quite passive and lacking in motivation. This has always been the case but he was saying all the right things and seemed to have made positive change but the longer we go the more I see this isn't the case.

Show quote history

He’s ’future faking’ / promising you good things that he knows you want to hear, to keep you invested in him. However he obviously has no real inclination, let alone desire, to pave out this route for you both. Sorry

whattheysay · 05/04/2026 02:47

You are waiting for him to be able to move in with you but he’s never met your child? Are you planning on a quick meet up in the park then your child will move house and live with a strange man?

iamnotalemon · 05/04/2026 05:40

So you would have to move out of/sell the marital home? I would risk that for this man, no.

GlovedhandsCecilia · 05/04/2026 05:51

I think that irrespective of how long you have been together, it would be unrealistic to make serious commitment towards saving and investing in a house with you, when he hasn't even met your daughter. I don't know how or why you would even make such plans, when that very important step in compatibility hasn't been tested.

It seems like you are reliant on your new partner to help house you as soon as they commit to you, really, and that is a lot of pressure. Personally, I'd want to not be in a circumstance where starting a relationship meant a huge drop in our quality of life. I would prefer to be in a place where I can maintain our standard of living independently (with the contribution of my co-parent as per the law). That might be a lower standard of living than we have currently, but at least that stability isnt dependent on my relationships.

iamnotalemon · 05/04/2026 05:53

GlovedhandsCecilia · 05/04/2026 05:51

I think that irrespective of how long you have been together, it would be unrealistic to make serious commitment towards saving and investing in a house with you, when he hasn't even met your daughter. I don't know how or why you would even make such plans, when that very important step in compatibility hasn't been tested.

It seems like you are reliant on your new partner to help house you as soon as they commit to you, really, and that is a lot of pressure. Personally, I'd want to not be in a circumstance where starting a relationship meant a huge drop in our quality of life. I would prefer to be in a place where I can maintain our standard of living independently (with the contribution of my co-parent as per the law). That might be a lower standard of living than we have currently, but at least that stability isnt dependent on my relationships.

Well said.

JMSA · 05/04/2026 05:57

He could be the nicest guy in the world, but this lack of drive makes him deeply unattractive.
Sorry, OP 😕

GlovedhandsCecilia · 05/04/2026 05:58

JMSA · 05/04/2026 05:57

He could be the nicest guy in the world, but this lack of drive makes him deeply unattractive.
Sorry, OP 😕

Can you explain what he should be driven to do? Buy a house with the OP? Should that be his main ambition in life?

Highlighta · 05/04/2026 06:02

In a nutshell, you are seriously considering losing your and your child's home for this man?

A man who seemingly likes things the way they are and isn't committing. He isn't in this for the long haul OP.

You see him once a week. Of course everything is fine and dandy as you don't spend enough time together for this to be a realistic relationship.

Never ever risk your housing security like this.

ForTipsyFinch · 05/04/2026 06:09

What he is doing is ‘future faking’ he drips enough energy in to keep you around, but takes no action to put anything into place. Contrast that with what actually happens - you spend one night a week together, he hasn’t met your child and the rest of the time he presumably does his own thing. It sounds like he sees the as a more casual arrangement but he is stringing you along because the current set up suits him perfectly.

GlovedhandsCecilia · 05/04/2026 06:14

ForTipsyFinch · 05/04/2026 06:09

What he is doing is ‘future faking’ he drips enough energy in to keep you around, but takes no action to put anything into place. Contrast that with what actually happens - you spend one night a week together, he hasn’t met your child and the rest of the time he presumably does his own thing. It sounds like he sees the as a more casual arrangement but he is stringing you along because the current set up suits him perfectly.

Is it solely him why he hasn't met her child? Does he refuse while the OP keeps saying what a vital step it is? Or is it the child who doesnt want to? Is the OP waiting until he shows commitment to buying before she agrees to let them meet? Can you expand on this at all?