Is he just not that into me? (Long, sorry)

[Heytheredelilah26]

Bit of a long one so I shall try and condense it down.

Reconnected with a long time ex 3 years ago following an amicable divorce. I have one child. He has never married. No children.

He and his ex sold their house when they split but lost money and only walked away with £10k each. He's spent £5k of this since then on things he needed (car and deposit for a rental flat). He was working full time in a job he hates but dropped to part time and says he wants to retrain into a new profession. He lives 60 miles away.

He had a vasectomy this year after our discussions regarding protection and more children.

He has not yet met my child. We spend 1 night a week together overnight and then 2-3 short breaks a year while child is with their father.

We have discussed next steps and agreed he would need to move here as I don't want to disrupt my child. I live in my old marital home and the agreement is that I leave if I begin a new relationship or when child is 18. I only have the money in my savings (£4k) currently to put toward a deposit for a house.

DP had said two years ago about retraining but has still taken no steps to start this. He hates his job but hasn't looked for a new one, either in home town or in my town. When he moved into his flat he said he would start putting £350 a month into savings to increase his savings for a deposit for us but hasn't done this. I do put money aside each month into savings but I work PT and am retraining myself around my child who has SEN so I cannot currently save more than I am.

Backstory over - I am starting to think that although he is talking the talk and saying the right things, he isn't serious about moving here. Surely if he was he would have taken action by now? He hasn't even asked about meeting my child for over a year.

I love him. I adore him. We were very young (I was 23) when we first split up as we were in different places in our lives (he wasn't ready to live in the same town - never mind the same flat).......he swears he wants the whole package now but is it me or do his actions suggest otherwise?

I don't want to keep stringing this out if this is all its ever going to be. He is 40 now and I am 37. I feel like if he were truly wanting this relationship to work he wouldn't still be sitting idle on saving and finding a job / retraining?

Am I wrong? My heart and head are so conflicted. I don't want to end things but I don't want to string it out any longer. Similarly - I don't want to issue an ultimatum. I feel like I did that once before when we were younger and I just don't think I should have to spell it out for him?

Thank you for all the replies.

To clarify:

1. I do not expect him to fund a new home for me. I would be perfectly willing to move into a cheap rental just me and my child if I needed too and support us myself. I could just about manage it if I was careful. I would be fine with him living in his own place in my town without me, but HE doesn't like this idea as he struggles to make new friends and worries he will feel isolated and become depressed.
2. The current house agreement is an informal one. By "begin a new relationship" it basically means no moving a new partner into the house or having them in the house (I go to him he doesn't come here). Ex inherited the house from family and we agreed it would be disrespectful for me to move someone else in to a home that was part of his family.
3. I fully expect a period of 12-18 months of slow introduction between partner and child before living together. I expressed at the start that I would want to wait 2-3 years before we begun this because of my child's needs and because of my own experiences as a child meeting so many new "step parents". He agreed this was sensible and HE suggested this gave the perfect opportunity to save and retrain during this time. We've talked about it multiple times in the past and agreed this plan, but in the last year he has stopped bringing it up. I last brought it up six months ago and basically said I was ready to do an introduction if he was and he said he would let me know a date.
4. We've discussed my child's needs in depth and he says he is nervous but onboard. My child has ASD and ADHD, although they don't have any particularly extreme behaviours. I AM very nervous about him changing his mind about realising he isn't on board with that - that's his right, it would be understandable - it's why I want to do at least 12-18mos of slow introduction and build up.
5. We have known each other for 25 years. We were together for 5 years last time. We have had lots of deep conversations about what we want - but what he says VS the effort put in to achieving any of it are vastly different.

He claims he misses me every day and always wants to be with me. He says he wishes we could be together properly already. He buys thoughtful gifts for me to give to my child (not to say they are from him, he expects no credit) - based on their interests and what I have said about them. It is this total disparity between saying and doing that has thrown me for a loop.

I really value all of your feedback. I have taken on board every point and am giving it a lot of thought. I do think that he lacks drive and motivation (one thing in common with ExH) and I think ultimately that may be the demise of us.

I am in the middle of retraining. I work part time. I am six months deep into starting my own small business that runs alongside all of the above and I have my child. I am motivated. I am driven. I am trying to change my life and take positive forward moves. I think the more I see the difference in approach between us the more I see how incompatible that makes us on a long term full time level.

I think that the fact he's stopped talking about those things and hasn't acted on your invitation to meet your dc is your answer.

You do sound like very different people and like you'd have to drag him along in your wake, which gets old.

Maybe you could split amicably now and have this relationship as a lovely memory to look back on, rather than carrying on, wasting years and ending up resenting him.

What i can't understand is how you could participate in this plan to buy together, when you don't know how things will go with your child and him.

I think there is nothing wrong with your 3 year timescale for meeting, but that means that buying together would probably be quite a few years after that. Renting together which would be sensible first would even be quite a bit down the line after meeting. So it's like in one sense, you've set yourself on a fixed long term plan where you take things slowly, but you are trying to skip forward in some of the more practical ways, like joint financial goals.

I am not sure you can do both quite like that. Some people might be able to but they are either very certain, have some potential escape plan, or just relaxed when it comes to risk.

No, that’s just you projecting.

I have simply said that where the relationship is at now doesn’t match what OP wants from it. It is insane to think about living with someone when at this point, he hasn’t even met her child. The reasons as to why aren’t important.

if he doesn’t want to do that he should end the relationship or OP should see the reality of what is going on.

I dont think i am projecting anything. The OP.pretty much explained how it has gone in her update.

Instead of feeling happy about moving in together and building a life with his beautiful and desirable partner - he's worried about becoming isolated and depressed !
End it OP - it's going nowhere.

Don’t risk your security for taking a chance. Your ex is reasonable to say not moving someone in but not to say no man can ever visit. If you take a chance on a man without integrating into your family life in your family home then your child is at a disadvantage and their father is risking their stability by making you feel you’d have to move out before they reach 18should you be in a relationship (that may fail). I’d carry on saving as you are to secure your future and give you the autonomy about housing once you’re ready whether that’s before your child is 18 or not. Ultimatum makes you sound unreasonable which you’re not- I’d establish the boundaries yourself and act accordingly. Be wary that this man feels safe as he’s familiar not necessarily right . Reflect on why you previously broke up and be honest about whether this was maturity or personality and then evaluate if this suits you now as it allows romance but not interfering with your family life or your child. If that’s going to cause you pain then end it. Your child needs you to consider them. My parent did the same/ reconnected with an ex from twenties after a divorce and over time he eroded the family unit from the outside and dictated where she lives and told her being close to her own children geographically and emotionally was abnormal. Over time he eroded her sense of normality and she believed him. She moved three hours away as soon as I was technically an adult (still a student) and sold my home leaving me without a base to go other than other family members in university holidays. Don’t let him make you compromise on what you believe is best for your child .decades on they’re getting married having lived together this whole time and me and sibling are not invited . It’s unhealthy having compromised the family do much for this person. Are you willing to do the same? What are your boundaries? Are they solid so it can’t happen gradually and you’ve put your child last by mistake? Protect yourself and family.

Exactly , my point entirely .

Thank you for this. It is very insightful and I appreciate you sharing your experience.

My child will always be my number 1 priority. They will always be welcome in my home, it will always be their home, there is no cut off date for them with me. Anybody in my life will have to be okay with this and accept it, or they simply won't be in my life.

I think you have all given me lots of excellent advice and I will take it all on board and consider it carefully. I think you've really helped to open my eyes and also at the same time to consider my own shortcomings here in how I have approached things. Thank you!

I agree with @Gilblythegroupee that it's not reasonable of your ex to say that a man can't even visit his old house now that he's no longer living there - that's controlling. (I can see that moving in would be different.) I think you need to talk to your ex about this. How can your relationship move forward in a natural way under these terms? That's why you've ended up with the strange all-or-nothing "see each other once a week or buy a place together" situation.

Actions speak louder than words. He's just straining you along for convenient sex. I'd bin him.

Why did you break up initially