Is he just not that into me? (Long, sorry)

[Heytheredelilah26]

Bit of a long one so I shall try and condense it down.

Reconnected with a long time ex 3 years ago following an amicable divorce. I have one child. He has never married. No children.

He and his ex sold their house when they split but lost money and only walked away with £10k each. He's spent £5k of this since then on things he needed (car and deposit for a rental flat). He was working full time in a job he hates but dropped to part time and says he wants to retrain into a new profession. He lives 60 miles away.

He had a vasectomy this year after our discussions regarding protection and more children.

He has not yet met my child. We spend 1 night a week together overnight and then 2-3 short breaks a year while child is with their father.

We have discussed next steps and agreed he would need to move here as I don't want to disrupt my child. I live in my old marital home and the agreement is that I leave if I begin a new relationship or when child is 18. I only have the money in my savings (£4k) currently to put toward a deposit for a house.

DP had said two years ago about retraining but has still taken no steps to start this. He hates his job but hasn't looked for a new one, either in home town or in my town. When he moved into his flat he said he would start putting £350 a month into savings to increase his savings for a deposit for us but hasn't done this. I do put money aside each month into savings but I work PT and am retraining myself around my child who has SEN so I cannot currently save more than I am.

Backstory over - I am starting to think that although he is talking the talk and saying the right things, he isn't serious about moving here. Surely if he was he would have taken action by now? He hasn't even asked about meeting my child for over a year.

I love him. I adore him. We were very young (I was 23) when we first split up as we were in different places in our lives (he wasn't ready to live in the same town - never mind the same flat).......he swears he wants the whole package now but is it me or do his actions suggest otherwise?

I don't want to keep stringing this out if this is all its ever going to be. He is 40 now and I am 37. I feel like if he were truly wanting this relationship to work he wouldn't still be sitting idle on saving and finding a job / retraining?

Am I wrong? My heart and head are so conflicted. I don't want to end things but I don't want to string it out any longer. Similarly - I don't want to issue an ultimatum. I feel like I did that once before when we were younger and I just don't think I should have to spell it out for him?

Eh? The OP has given several examples of his passivity.
Maybe he could start by getting a new job, instead of whining about the one he’s got. Or after 3 years, actually suggesting meeting the OP’s child.

In my experience with LDRs once the decision is made to move, you've got to do it OR have a clear understanding of why the move is delayed and when it will happen. It sounds like there are two hold-ups on his side: (1) a local job and (2) x amount of savings for either a deposit on a house or - more realistically - moving costs and a deposit, etc. for a rental. As far as you know, he has not made any progress toward either in the 2 years since you both agreed to try a non-LDR. It's completely reasonable to find out exactly what his plans are since they strongly impact you, so I would ask him face to face on your next meet-up what his concrete plans and time frame are for moving to your area.

ALSO: given the circumstances I would NOT move in together right away. Let him move to his own place close to you and see how the relationship goes once you're seeing each other regularly and experiencing all the ups and downs of a typical relationship. (I know you've been together before but a lot has changed for both of you since then, plus it's not clear that the reasons the original relationship broke up have been resolved.) Also, he needs to get to know your child and vice versa before having them live together - that's something that may just not work out no matter how much you both want it to. Even if he tells you now that he's ready to move and sets a date, DO NOT make plans to move out of your current house. There's far too much at stake for you and your child if the relationship can't withstand moving from LDR to hands-on, every day.

I live in my old marital home and the agreement is that I leave if I begin a new relationship or when child is 18.

This rings alarm bells! What does ‘begin a relationship’ actually mean? You already ARE in a relationship, even if it is quite casual and doesn’t seem to be going anywhere! Is this a formal or court ordered agreement that formed part of your divorce, or is it just informal between you and your Ex?

As far as the relationship is concerned…

You only meet once a week - are you sure you are more than a booty call?
He clearly has no interest in becoming a stepfather to your child.
He doesn’t show any interest or commitment to putting the relationship on a stable footing.

Plus he appears to be a bit of a loser who’ll continue to drift through life with minimal effort.

Why does he need to get a job with any urgency? He isnt the one who may have to leave a home. He sounds like he can pay his rent etc.

All of what the OP thinks he should be doing is oriented around building a life with her. Getting them a house because she will lose hers if she moves on from her marriage. Getting a FT job so he has the money to help house her and her child.

OP said he "stopped asking" about meeting her kid a year ago. Was that after a year of being declined? 2 years of being declined? When should he stop begging asking?

I don’t think that really matters.

The point is for whatever reason it hasn’t happened. Coupled with the fact they spend one night a week together means the OPs ultimate goal of moving into together (never mind the financial situation) is a million miles away from the reality of the current situation. None of this matches up her plans for this ‘relationship’.

I think it matters if this man has been expected to save money and buy a house with a child he isn't permitted to meet for example. Your whole post speaks as if he is doing something wrong by not investing in a shared future with the OP who is depending on a partner to sustain her child's quality of life.

Because as I said, he moans constantly about his current job.
You might be happy to listen to that, but I wouldn’t.
And he isn’t pushing things forward in the relationship. The OP has said that she is open to him meeting her child. Hasn’t happened yet, which would tell me all I need to know.

Just leave him and move on with your life. Simple.

So what? We all rant about some stuff. I bet OP has a moan about her ex or her sister or whatever. The OP said he stopped asking a year ago about meeting her child. That sounds to me like he used to ask before and was shut down. Now she wants to move out of her marital home and she needs his money, it's suddenly important.

How would you even get on the subject of saving money for a house and he hasn't met your kid?

OP wants a rescue boat out of her situation, not a partnership.

The mere fact he hasn’t met your child makes me astonished you are thinking of moving him in

Nah not going anywhere. I’d LTB. Sorry.

It sounds like he's saying what he thinks you want to hear, but either doesn't really want the same things or is on a very different timescale.

I think maybe the relationship as it is ticks his boxes, regular sex and company and feeling loved & wanted, someone to listen to him, etc.

Moving in together, changing jobs, being a stepfather - they're all huge changes and challenges.

And obviously for you, it affects the housing situation.

If he was honest about it all, I'd think about whether this relationship can be enough for you as it is, or if progressing into living together is a dealbreaker.

But shining you on is not OK.

The only 'you' he knows is one with no child present. I wouldn't be making any decisions about the future until he's met your child and interacted with them extensively. You say your child is SEN. Do they have any challenging behaviour? You really need to know if he could cope with and behave properly around a child (maybe more so if they're ND) before moving to the next step in this relationship.

Aside from that though, his passive attitude and lack of drive to retrain and get a new job would be enough for me to call it quits.

Your boyfriend is avoidant and he is unlikely to change without some therapy/counselling.

For some people what you have is enough but for others it won't be.

It doesnt sound like you really have any deep conversations which is not surprising if you only see each other one night a week.

What do you want in life?
What does your ideal life look like for you and your child?

It would be really good for you to read a few books

Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl- brilliant book to help you understand emotionally unavailable men with commitment issues

Attached - the theory of attachment styles. An interesting read to understand attachment styles and you can decide if being with an avoidant is what you want.

No ( real job ) , no home , no motivation , no desire to improve himself .no money , no interest in getting to know your child .
Equals NO way would I carry on in a relationship with him !

He has a home. It is OP who will be homeless and is seeking someone to help her fund one.

Sorry but he is not a good prospect for you or your child. Please don’t disrupt your child’s life for him.

It's not his " own home " , it's a rental flat .

So? Not everyone can or wants to own a home. Maybe he wants to have more idea about his future before he commits to an area or long term financial agreement.

Which is harder - making you feel beautiful and desirable or showing commitment, saving for a deposit and retraining to get a new profession?
And which is more important to you?

If he doesn't want this he should say so, instead of lying that he'll save £350 a month for a deposit for a home with OP.

He sounds like a loser

I think that even if I was doing that, I wouldn't let the OP believe it was money for our shared future when I haven't even met her child.

No, but he has told her he would.

He's saying all this stuff, but his actions do not match.

It's fine if he never wants to own a house again or never wants to live together or never wants to have a role in OP's child's life.

But he shouldn't be telling her he does want those things.

Stop believing what he says (words are easy!) and look at what he does - this will save you wasting any more of your precious time.