Bust up between mum and aunt - wwyd?

[Wednesday101]

My mum has had a massive bust up with her sister. Mum’s sister is also my godmother and she has made it clear she wants to maintain a relationship with me (visiting my children / birthday dinners etc)

I don’t know what to do. I know from my mum how awful her sister has been (bullying, bad mouthing my mum to other people - not nice at all) She has always been very nice to me but my gut is telling me to stand up for my mum and to not let my aunt / godmother continue a relationship with me.

I know my mum would really appreciate this. And even though my godmother has always been perfectly nice to me, I feel like she shouldn’t be able to treat my mum like that and carry on getting what she wants?
What would you do? I’d love some other opinions.

I'd stay TF out of it 👍

So would you continue meeting up? It’s one of my children’s birthdays next week and my aunt wants to come over with presents / for dinner. My feeling is to say no while this is going on. But I don’t know.

Why can't you stand up for your mum and have a relationship with your aunt?

Not everything has to be NC.

You have said that your aunt has treated your mother really badly ..I think that says a lot! You don’t necessarily have to completely cut contact with your aunt ( although I would) if you feel torn, but I would certainly have minimal contact, I would also have a chat with mum to see how she feels.

Also, it's bad enough dragging yourself into it but you want to drag your children in too?

No, just keep out of the whole thing.

How about make the visit a cuppa /cake instead? Any bad mouthing of your dm they leave.. Ultimately you can't end relationships based on dm's drama.. But if it spreads to your home you can make them leave.

Your aunt sounds like she is trying to get you onside, meet her for presents and maybe a coffee or whatever don't choose her over your mum though she can still be part of your life just not the main attraction.

Honestly keep out of it. Sibling relationships can be tricky.

This is what I'd do too.

Make clear that you don't want to get involved and if there's any talk about your mum your aunt has to leave.

This.

I'd maybe keep aunt at arms length knowing she can be vile but also the dynamic of siblings is different.

Yep, definitely stay out of it.

Very complicated relationships sometimes, sisters...

So you advocate keeping a known bully in the OP's and her dc's lives? Why?
Bullies aren't universally nasty to everyone but that doesn't mean they are not a bully. They pick their victims. How would OP feel if in 10 years time the aunt turns on her but wants to maintain a relationship with her dcs? Or worse, Bullies one of her dcs but wants to keep a relationship with another?
That's the dynamic being set up by not addressing the behaviour. It's "I'm alright Jack " and not giving a shit about her DM's feelings.
I'm not advocating NC immediately. But to address the situation directly with the aunt and take it from there.

This.

Thanks for this - this is really how I feel and what I should do.

I'm confused. How does the OP both "stay out of it" and "stand up" for her DM?

I know not everything has to be NC! But when I know what a bully she has been I just don’t think she should get her way.
I thought most advice would be to stay out of it, but I don’t think I can / want to. I want my aunt to see that there are consequences for her actions / words.

If the aunt raises it she can stand up for her mum then or tell her she's keeping out of it.

It's not wise to get in the middle of two feuding siblings, especially as it's likely the OP has only heard one side.

I have indeed only heard one side - but I have read messages and believe everything I’ve been told by my mum

This. @Wednesday101 if you have been present and witnessed this bullying, why are you even questioning this?
if this is all only info from your mum and you’ve not witnessed any of these behaviours? Leave them to it.

Normally I would say stay well out of this, but the words you used make me think differently on this occasion.

"how awful her sister has been (bullying, bad mouthing my mum to other people"

That is really grim. People who bad mouth about one person tend to do it about others.

I'd phone your aunt about it and tell her exactly how you feel. I would do this before she comes over for fear of it ruining the birthday get together.

my aunt wants to come over with presents / for dinner

"That doesn't work for us, it's a mad busy time. Why don't birthday child and I meet you at [nice café] for tea and cake instead?"

But bullying is more than bad mouthing.
Staying neutral sounds 'reasonable' but that's how bullies thrive.
Yes they are siblings but the OP doesn't have equal relationships with both. One is her mother. And unless her DM has history of being melodramatic or confrontational with people, I'd support my DM by approaching the aunt in a non aggressive manner.
Doing nothing can be damaging and hurtful to relationships too.

Actually sometimes in life you do need to choose a side. Otherwise you become complicit in the other person‘s behaviour as you know what they have done and you are still prepared to associate with them.

Personally I want people in my life who will defend me in rooms I’m not in. If someone has treated me badly or is badmouthed for yeah I want people as close to me there to tell them to pack it in. If they maintain they’ve done no wrong then to remove themselves from that persons company.

It’ll be a cold day in hell before I welcome them into my home and around my children. Just nope.

So in your case.
No Aunt. I’m aware of what you’ve said and done to my Mum. You’ve caused a lot of pain and hurt and at this time it’s best we don’t meet up until you are prepared to apologise to my mum and take accountability for your behaviour. I hope you can work things through.

I love this. This is very much how I feel. Thank you

we have had a lot of family fallouts over the years within my family-spanning decades in some cases. I went low contact with many of them. At the time I was fortunately enough to be geographically separated from at all so was easier.

However as I grew as my own person I had to stand up and address things when certain things come more full on to my attention affecting my sibling, my father and a family member.

I regret not taking sides tbh in some cases as it allowed that persons behaviour to go unchecked and they continued to cause further rifts in the family. Damaged relationships for years widely. They no longer control the family dynamics but the damage remains.