Ex partner has new partner

[Everbetternow]

I’m F with an 8 year old. Ex partner has recently got together with a new GF and they are all going away together with her 2 kids too.
ex promises nothing will change
no marriage, other kids or moving in together. I’m really struggling with it all, I panic I get sad, I get angry and struggle with this change
me and ex had a turbulent relationship at times but did genuinely love each other. We depend on each other for childcare etc as no family close by. I’ve sorted myself out financially, with my health and job house etc so not dependent that way with him.
how have other single mums dealt with these situations? I need some words of wisdom

............what you can ask for / expect is for him to always put your dc first, and some boundaries around parenting roles with new partners

Sadly, the new girlfriend's children will soon take priority.

The OP's child will matter less and less.

You only have to read the myriad threads on here about blended families to realise this.

Get out there, learn to love your ‘me’ time. He’ll probably feel the same as you when/if you move on with someone else. Children come first always, maybe get to know her you might even have common ground. Fear of the unknown is awful but embrace the new normal xx

This isn’t true in every circumstance. Our children on both sides are equal. My ex’s daughter is a huge part of my life. There’s no need to decompartmentalise kids.

Don’t say ‘as a family’ that’s quite mean to op who is struggling at (at the moment) they are clearly not a nuclear family of any sort, they are two single parents who are dating going on holiday and bringing their kids along.

thank you for the nice words xx

Op, with kindness, the best coping thing you can do now is to STOP having the kind of conversation with him where he is talking this emotionally with you. If he’s avoidant he’ll convince you (and himself too mayb) of whatever you want to hear, but to what end? So you can be at peace knowing he’s not serious with anyone else? How can you want to remain in the situation where your happiness, peace and confidence is wrapped up in what this man says or does? You need to TAKE CHARGE of that for yourself!! EVERY TIME you find yourself ruminating on their relationship (trust me I’ve been there and booked counselling to help process it- this is what Iearned) you need to have an affirmation or phrase that helps you consciously and purposefully redirect your focus back onto yourself and your own happiness health and wellbeing and having the loveliest motherhood (and child free time) that you can make for yourself. You have so much power and control over these parts of your life and your decisions will decide if in a years time you are still crying about your ex and trying to understand him, or if you are confident, laughing, creating, enjoying your days, thriving with the buzz of good health.

please go for a sauna and cold plunge.

He will say what he needs to say for the easiest life possible. He's telling you that things won't change. It's not realistic for both of you to remain static forever.

You will both move on, change and want different things than you did yesterday, which is why you split up. This is just the next thing on that curve, which will continue developing.

I would advise you to cut back on the friendly chatting if it's leaving you feeling closer to him than is comfortable, and watch what he does, not what he says.

My son's dad is married and has a child with his wife, it hasn't messed up his relationship with our son at all. In fact, I'd say its even better, my son has a more extended family, which benefits everyone.

Honestly don’t do these silly mind games, he isn’t playing with anyone, and it will just make you look desperate and foolish. There is very few people who couldn’t see through that and see jealousy.

just keep your dignity.

He’s not that much of a loner is he? If he’s found someone else and their kids and moving on with his life?
with kindness you should do the same. Alone or with someone else in time (when you’re ready) sounds like a pie crust promise. Easily made easily broken.

on here - if this was a woman talking about meeting a new fella and introducing him to her kids booking a holiday but he had sworn an unbreakable oath to his ex that he’d never truly love again and was only surface surface we’d be telling her to run.

I’m not entirely sure what the issue is. Is your sadness because you don’t want him to be in a relationship or because you’re sad things have changed and that he won’t be available as much as you’d like? The promises are childish and unreliable in my opinion. He shouldn’t need to reassure his ex about marriage etc.

This is a tough one OP. 😕

Dealing with being replaced is hard.
We think ourselves into a funk about it. We lay awake worrying about it.
Is she better than me, in bed, in the kitchen? Does she earn more money, has she got a better job, social circle, wardrobe ?
What did I do wrong, why was I not enough for him ? etc, etc.

It's even harder if they started seeing the new person while they were with you.😮

Some therapy might help to get your thoughts in order.

In the meantime, rest assured he will not change. If he was flaky with you he'll be flaky with her. Just feel sorry for her, she doesn't know what she's getting - but you do !

As others have said you need to limit your time with him. Don't communicate with him about anything except your child.

You've got this 👌

Agony, isn't it OP?
I remember having to paint a smile on my face when my son went off to meet his dad and new wife's baby.
Coming back with pictures and stories that I had to show interest in.
Pain gets less, I promise you.
Look after yourself OP

The gf will probably be pregnant in a few months anyway. Hope he steps up to the mark for her sake or will he run away because he's 'a loner' ? Can't think of anything good to say about him from what OP has said except he seems to be full of bull shit.
The woman poor mug who has landed him, is probably chuffed to pieces, new man in tow but she'll probably be on here within the year moaning about him.

Did you think he would stay single forever? You might meet someone new too.
Having a GF doesn’t mean he drops your child, don’t catastrophise.

You don't have to befriend the new woman OP, if you don't want to or feel ready to. After all, who knows how long she will be around?

The thing is to never run her down in front of your child, be civil and kind if you do have to meet & don't quiz either your child or your ex about her or their relationship.

Just distract yourself from their relationship in every way you can and as long as your ex fulfils his commitment to his child and your child is happy that's all you need to focus on.
It will get easier with time.

Tell yourself firmly that it is none of your business how your ex-partner spends his time and his affections. Because it isn't.

What a horrible bitter little misogynistic post. There is nothing to suggest she will have a baby. What an awful, way to judge women.

What’s your basis for this snide little post?

By the time he gets back from holiday they’ll move in together, don’t get caught up in the empty promises, move your life on.

That's not strictly true when you share a child though is it?
If the child is affected by the new relationship for some reason (e.g. dad becomes neglectful, new woman is unkind) then it becomes the OP's business because she will be dealing with the fall out.

Hopefully not in this case but anyone who has been on here a while has read posts where that kind of thing has happened.

Don’t do this, it’s akin to kicking her, there is no indication they are about to move in together. What’s wrong with people they see someone struggling and decide to give her a kick.

The best thing you can do is focus on your own happiness: sign up to dating apps or start new hobbies. Or let your friends know you are open to introductions. Or go on a group holiday for adults. Or just learn to enjoy time with your 8 year old. Your ex has every right to meet someone and be happy and so do you.

what he does with his new relationship has absolutely nothing to do with you. a promise made on that front is silly and you could just let it go. it is nit doing you any good to feel negative about it. he is your ex not your current partner so dont worry about it

I would focus entirely on yourself and try not to focus on him/his life at all. The reality is of course they might end up getting married or having a baby, and it'll be really tough but if you've built your own life with friendships, maybe dating when you're able to/want to, hobbies, holidays, fun - whatever makes you tick and is entirely for you. Without knowing you I'm not sure what it would be, but for me, it'd be a really good book and croissant in bed, lunch with a friend, maybe a walk or an exercise class in the afternoon and then a home spa evening followed by a nice dinner (maybe out with friends, maybe a date, maybe just me and a book. Find your things, find your people and draw a picture of what a fantastic life without him looks like, then take steps to get there over time. It sounds like youre coping/surviving well without him but now you need to really live and thrive without him - they're two very different things