Ex partner has new partner

[Everbetternow]

I’m F with an 8 year old. Ex partner has recently got together with a new GF and they are all going away together with her 2 kids too.
ex promises nothing will change
no marriage, other kids or moving in together. I’m really struggling with it all, I panic I get sad, I get angry and struggle with this change
me and ex had a turbulent relationship at times but did genuinely love each other. We depend on each other for childcare etc as no family close by. I’ve sorted myself out financially, with my health and job house etc so not dependent that way with him.
how have other single mums dealt with these situations? I need some words of wisdom

I split with my son’s father after a turbulent relationship but much love in a similar boat of no village to support us. Much like you he said he had no interest in a new relationship and although it was none of my business I probably definitely felt content with that while working through the break up. Absolute load of rubbish, he got a girlfriend within weeks of our split. It absolutely broke my heart when I found out he was somewhat planning a future with her. We sat down and had a very mature and kind conversation after a week of getting my feelings together, where at least I could be told the full story and not find out anymore extras as a horrible surprise. In a twist of crazy events, that same mature and centered conversation made him realize he was still in love with me and left the other woman within weeks. He asked for me back and after some work we are now happily together with a home bought together recently. Yes it might be jealously but they are still valid feelings. Possibly discussing with him in person in a kind and mature way to get the full details and not have any more future surprises could help you move on. It’s the shock and surprises that killed me, having everything out on table and no more lies of “won’t does and promises” will help you hit the worst point to then move forward. In my case it helped bring us back together but I know it wasn’t the intent and it would have helped me whatever the situation if we had ended up in a different place. Time heals everything. Life will move on and you will find your person!

Why are you even having conversations with him about where his new relationship is headed? Unless you have children together it's absolutely none of your business. The relationship obviously wasn't working. A turbulent relationship isn't healthy. Leave each other alone and move on. You'll find someone much better.

And a heads up. Relationships aren't for sorting out each other's childcare.

I didn’t make him promise, he said he would promise so not to mess up his relationship with his child and he says he doesn’t want those things. But who knows ? It’s true I can’t control what he does, I’ve needed these threads to confirm this for me

I mean it’s right there in her posts about fheir son. I’m not sure how that can be missed.

I think you need therapy so you can get over your ex. It’s odd that you are wanting promises over his future relationship (no moving in, no marriage, no children) - all of that is really unhealthy. You should only be concerned that she’s going to treat your children well and take care of them when they are with her.

I would encourage you to have a positive relationship with your ex and future partners for the stability of your children.

Take care of yourself.

I think since we split we’ve been in each other’s lives because of our child and chatting and being friendly.
I think it’s become an issue for me as I have no control over and it’s shook me up. I’m getting busy this weekend seeing friends etc so that will boost me. I’ve got to be strong I guess and embrace changes and new things

You can’t also promise the same, you might meet someone else.

He will move on but if he is being a good dad, then you can't ask for more. If you guys are friends and helping each other with childcare/bringing up your child, then that is a lovely, as it should be and you both deserve kudos for being friends for your kid.

But he will move on with new loves, as will you when you are ready. Totally normal, to be expected and you don't get a say who he is with and who he spends his own time with as tough as that is. You can't control this situation, as you say and nor should you. That's unhealthy!

I’ve read things like this time and time again.

He’s telling you what he thinks you want to hear and will be telling others something completely different.

Usually it’s the new partner posting this story and not understanding why the ex is bitter and angry but it’s because the man is telling the 2 women different things.

You need to start assuming that his actions are his true feelings and not his words. He doesn’t want you to move on and is screwing with your head so that you’ll always be available for him. You need to create more boundaries and be honest. If you still love him (and I think you do) then you need distance so that you can start healing. He wants to be with his new gf and is having a great time while you pine for a man who has moved on. Put yourself first and do the same. Keep interactions business like and stop discussing things like feelings.

Exactly he’s given you mixed messages. He’s not a loner. He was just in the wrong relationship and you don’t go on holiday if you’re not planning to get together because that shows commitment if you’re going away with someone and their children.

Tell him to promise you that he will get married and have more children, that it's what you want for him and his new gf. Watch his head spin. He's playing you and probably his new gf too. Easy to avoid commitment if he gives her the impression he has an unstable ex he's had to make these promises to.

Words of wisdom, if the ex is in a serious relationship which it must be if going on holiday with her children. Embrace her and welcome her as someone else who will grow to love your children. Not all ‘step mums’ are evil actually very few are. Coparenting with an ex who has moved on and in a serious relationship can work very well but harder if you don’t welcome his new gf into the mix. Makes life so much harder for all but also the children.

He has made promises that he can not keep, they are unreasonable and unrealistic promises. So don’t focus on them, just remember the future is also what you make it, if you are hostile you become a problem.

i have lived it on both ends, as in a welcomed my ex’s new partner with open arms and she was the one he had a year affair with. Welcomed her into my home, befriended her to a degree until she got insecure that I was her new husbands ex with and I never hated him despite what he did etc. Her behaviour ended up her being a problem, coparenting with the ex became hard, he pulled away from the kids. I’m also a step mum, she initially treat me awful, loads of underhanded things she did and said despite me being very welcoming for my step son. 5 years on things are better she found someone else and changed how she behaved, and things are much better. Not great but better. Coparenting is long term so just do you and let him do him, neither should affect the other xx

Yes! This is probably so true! I’m going with this!

Why would you do this? Playing silly games like this is pathetic.

I wouldn’t really, it’s was the more he’s playing two people!
I shouldn’t say anything to him about it anymore
a dignified silence is best I think

It must feel tough, I get that. But as others have said, he's done nothing wrong, and this is how it often pans out for separated parents.

It's brilliant that you and he have remained friendly in co-parenting - well done, and believe me, that is so valuable for your child. Try not to let his new chapter affect that.

Even if you're feeling sad/left out/envious, then do your very best not to show it. Keep that strong connection with the ex (with an appropriate distance!), for your child's sake.

No doubt you will start a new relationship at some point, and hopefully he will be respectful in return.

Life can be complicated and tricky, but we owe it to our kids to be the mature ones.

x

I might have missed it but how long ago did you split?

I don't think he is saying these things to play you. It's not about you but your DC. That he will still have relative with his DC. Possibly someone talked with him and said you could think he will just drop his DC for the new ones

He is going on holiday with his girlfriend and all children involved, why on earth do you think he is playing her? Their relationship is nothing to do with you. Unless it affects your child then you should discuss that with him otherwise you don't have any right to say anything to him.

Things will change.
I'm sorry, but these men always get involved with the new girlfriend's children and frequently get the new girlfriend pregnant, too.

Your son will very likely be sidelined. The new GF won't fancy being a stepmother to him.

My ex got himself a new GF, they had a baby, and gradually our own two children were pushed out.

Do you wish you were still together @Everbetternow?

Are you upset about the girlfriend or worried about your son?

Why did you split up?

Did you really expect him to stay single forever? That's unrealistic, no matter what he says. I agree with the previous poster who said he's telling you what he thinks you want to hear.

If he's happy, all the better for your child and co-parenting. Happy parents make better parents.

I guess it’s brought up what could have been if we had tried harder but as long as our child is okay and not pushed out and sidelined then that’s all I can hope for.

thanks everyone who posted, it’s been good to read the advice/views

onwards and upwards from now on

You can’t expect or take any promises like that. He is entitled to move on in his life, as are you.
what you can ask for / expect is for him to always put your dc first, and some boundaries around parenting roles with new partners.

This was alway going to happen and I bet you are asking of him is not fair . He will eventually move on with someone and potentially have more kids , the same way as you might do the same . The best way to move forward is respect each other and be honest but place boundaries . Have you meet his new girlfriend , and bat does your child think about her ? It seems like you have a good relationship with it’s him so as long as he has your child best interests it will be ok .

He has moved on. And you need to as well. You only have your son in common now, everything else isn't the other person's business. It's ultimately better to move on for everyone involved, also children. When they grow up and have their own lives, it is much easier for them if their parents have their own lives too. He might or might not get married again (my partner of 11 years and I decided against it, both divorced with two children each), but we did move in together after discussing this with the kids after 2 years. So yes, I am fairly sure at some he will at least live with someone else again. And so will you. I don't know when you broke up, but if it's a significant amount of time and you are still this upset, I think you might need to consider counselling. For your own sake and for your son. Ideally everyone including new step-parents, is friendly and civil and can attend events involving the child together, like sports matches, theatre group performances etc