Found out husband used a sex worker and unsure whether to leave

[CondimentsAlways]

DH and I arguing a lot lately, very little intimacy. We have DS 4, DD 1. Yesterday found out that a few years ago (before we had DD) he used services of a sex worker. Disappointing but maybe not surprising. I want to leave but worry about the impact on DC and can’t imagine how we could afford it. He says it’s because I reject intimacy and he senses my general disdain for him. I admit I can be cold to him but I’ve not felt well supported with managing FT job and kids and struggle to relax with him as he can be lovely sometimes, moody and angry other times. He’s unhappy with his career and our relatively poor financial situation but a good dad overall.

I would end the relationship. I would find anyone who thinks they can buy completely repulsive. He isn’t a good dad, he has cheated on you and used a sex worker, without thinking how that could impact his children. He has put your sexual health at risk. Moody and angry people aren’t good parents either.

Aside from the moral implications which are awful, he has played Russian roulette with your health, and also your daughters health.
Hes not a good husband or father.
Hes cheated.
He will do it again, only you know if you can live with that.

I would never stay with a man who had used a sex worker. Even if it was before we met. I would never stay with a man who slept with someone else whilst we were together.

You will never trust him again. He does not respect you or women. For me those are enough reasons to leave.

On top of this he also does not respect you enough to actually apologise or be remorseful all he has done is blame you.

If he was genuinely so unhappy he should have told you, made you go for counselling or just leave you. Not coldly and premeditatedly bought sex. I told would be cold and distant with a man capable of this.

It will be financially tough but so much better in the long run.

The fact you say it’s not surprising tells me you know he’s not a good man.
not all men do this, some men support their wives post partum and realise their penis is way down the line while there are small kids to care for.
He sounds selfish and awful.
Im sure you deserve better, sorry you’re going through this x

I just don’t know how I would manage when my job can be very demanding. I’ve looked at cost of renting a small place back near my parents and it’s nearly two-thirds my salary! And that’s not to mention all the up-front costs of moving and divorce.

I couldn’t get past this. He’s cheated on you, has lied about it for years and you don’t like him anyway so what’s the point? Sounds like it would take a lot of work to try to repair what’s broken so why put yourself through that when it sounds like your love and respect for him have already gone.

I can understand him wanting a sex life with his wife but can’t understand him resorting to seeing a sex worker rather than trying to resolve the lack of intimacy like an adult. And to not be surprised by this is quite a low bar - marriages can have dry spells, it doesn’t excuse running off to pay for sex.

You’ve had two kids since this happened, so sex must’ve returned at some point? Was that just about conceiving or were things better at some points? Have you told him why you feel cold towards him? Has that changed anything with his behaviour?

Look into any benefits you would be entitled to.
If you rent you will get the local housing allowance, see what that is near your parents, universal credit will pay up to 80% of your childcare costs if you are entitled.

We have had better times but yes, most of the sex has been about conceiving. I’ve tried to explain how I’m feeling and the ways in which I need more support. He sometimes puts a lot of effort in with household stuff but it’s very inconsistent. More often than not, our communication is poor and things descend into arguments so I’ve learned to try and suppress things.

Go on the website ‘entitled to’ and enter your salary / rental cost. You’ll get universal credit to help with rent. Personally, I’d leave, not sure how you forgive and forget something like that.

Well he doesn't set a good example for the children and then tries to blame his actions on you. I think it probably is time to make plans.

I'd be surprised if he's only done it once. It's not most men's first port of call when their relationships are strained. I don't think using prostitutes tends to be a one-off.

It's conveniently "a few years ago" so as to minimise it.

Also, he sounds awful and bitter to live with.

I think you'd be better off making the leap, hard as it is, than sticking around to find out what else he's got for you.

I couldn't get past the dishonesty and him putting my health at risk. You could try couples counselling- it can help you decide whether to stay or go and help with the separation if that's the path you decide to go down.

Sounds like your marriage is dead in the water. So you either split up and live apart, or split up but agree to live in the same house. There’s no point “staying together”.

To me it says it all that he's blaming you for him having to pay for sex. Yes, you practically drove him to it. Poor thing...

What happens next time you put a foot wrong (in his eyes?). Ohh I'm just going to have to abuse another woman... It's okay though because I paid her.

You can, and you will cope without him and I suspect you'll feel a lot more content for it.

If he’s used a sex worker while in a relationship with you, you need an STI check and to end it. It sounds like he’s ground you down over the years, so find a way to make the change. You can do it!

That is disgusting I couldn’t be with a man like that.

To be fair, if my DH only had sex with me for the purpose of having children, and not at all thereafter, I would take a pretty dim view of the situation, and him. Obviously that in no way excuses using sex workers.

Do what you want, but don't base your decision around it being a one off. It will certainly have been more.

He didn’t care that you could have had an sti whilst pregnant! He didn’t care about your health. Think about these two things very seriously as they show you the type of man he is.
If I were you I’d explain to your parents and ask for as much support from them as they can give, and start getting the facts of what you are entitled to financially. Check online (Entitled To website) using an average rent price for the area you’d move to.

I wouldn’t want to put up with that. Not at all.

I would be utterly repulsed and end the relationship. You’ll find a way to manage.

Calling it sex work masks the reality of prostitution imo. That you call him buying sex from someone " disppointing" is a strange reaction. And I agree with pp that it won't have been a one off. Using prostitutes is a habit for men who regard women as objects to buy to gratifying their sexual needs.

I couldn't get past him using women in this way but even apart from this I don't see how you can even consider staying in a marriage with this man. His moodiness and anger and your disdain for him will be just so awful for your DC.

How did you find out? Hopefully not due to a STI.

Sounds like you’re both checked out and what he has done isn’t acceptable.

Potentially support available depending on your salary.

Were you a couple when he used a prositute? Ethics aside, did he cheat or was he single? it makes a huge difference.

Presumably he would have the children some of the time ? I rejigged to do the long days when my children were with their dad. And then when they were with me I worked again when they were in bed. Or napping.

It was a bonkers time and I had very little money and very little me time but I never regretted leaving my ex for a second.