Found out husband used a sex worker and unsure whether to leave

[CondimentsAlways]

DH and I arguing a lot lately, very little intimacy. We have DS 4, DD 1. Yesterday found out that a few years ago (before we had DD) he used services of a sex worker. Disappointing but maybe not surprising. I want to leave but worry about the impact on DC and can’t imagine how we could afford it. He says it’s because I reject intimacy and he senses my general disdain for him. I admit I can be cold to him but I’ve not felt well supported with managing FT job and kids and struggle to relax with him as he can be lovely sometimes, moody and angry other times. He’s unhappy with his career and our relatively poor financial situation but a good dad overall.

And check entitledto, you may be surprised what support you can get.

And would family be in a position to help you at all? My parents paid for a cleaner /home help and a weekly babysitter for me (as they lived too far away to help regularly)

The right thing to do though would be to leave her. Or at least let her know he plans to unilaterally turn the marriage into an open relationship

Otherwise he's deceiving her into unwittingly risking exposure to STDs

It seems to me like neither of you has listened to the other. Your posts are all about your needs and how you didn't feel supported. I expect he felt the same. Either way, a marriage where there is disdain is pretty much dead in the water, let alone the seedy and rather pathetic use of a prostitute.

I can't believe any woman would stay with a man after this. This has to be a wind up.

I guess he just sees women as something he puts money into to have sex with. Wives. Girlfriends. Women in general.

@CondimentsAlways if this is real, I really hope you don't have a daughter. Because his attitude towards women is appalling. Did you know he was like this before you married him?

He thinks women’s bodies can be bought for his own pleasure.

also, he didn’t ‘use’ a sex worker like she is some inanimate object. He paid to use a women’s body regardless of genuine consent.

why are you even considering staying with someone like this?

The sex worker would be a deal breaker even if it was a perfect relationship but in your circumstance I would definitely leave. It sounds like you want to leave and know you should, but there’s logistical problems?

My parents had a period of bitter resentment before they finally pulled the plug and it was honestly way worse than the divorce, worse than being poor(er) after. I was actually relieved. Children pick up on so much. Their divorce was financially a hard choice and we were already skint. My mum, me and my siblings had to live with grandad for a bit - which I thought was super fun but obviously wasn’t for my mum. Could you move back with your parents or could the help you?

The good news is once the resentment fizzled out and the both separated they were able to build a good coparenting relationship and now the actually get on very well - not besties but the can be at family events, sit together and laugh. I honestly believe that they’re like this now because they didn’t force themselves to stay together for us.

Sending love and hope you get it sorted.

You know you'll get universal credit and child maintenance?

You don't sound hurt or betrayed particularly. This signals disengagement?

I’d delete this it’s very easy to give advice from a keyboard but it’s different when emotions,kids,finances and practical issues

you’ll still be in shock and taking this in
step back take time and no knee jerk decisions

best of luck

Do you think you could get past the cheating if other things changed for the better? The support, household stuff, lack of communication. To be honest it sounds like the cheating is the icing on a pretty crappy cake. I think it would take a lot of work and potentially counselling to stand a fighting chance - a huge investment in time and energy for both of you. when it doesn’t sound like that’s what you actually want?

If you do separate he can still be a good dad. Though I get that it’s not easy to reimagine the life you had planned in a more traditional setup to be co-parents. But it sounds like the traditional setup you have currently is only on the surface which is not what you set out for either.

Why is it not genuine consent? A prostitute is selling a service. Unless they are being trafficked against their will.

It isn’t consent if it’s paid for. Almost all women who sell sex have been abused in some way. The whole thing is exploitative. I would never be with a man who paid for sex with someone whose consent was conditional on getting cash in return.

usually it’s only men who have an issue with that point of view. Because they feel entitled to it. And that’s exactly the problem.

So are you saying that all sex with prostitutes is rape?

Why the assumption that sex workers all have STIs?

a friend of mine worked as a sex worker and was scrupulous about condoms.

He’s more likely to catch an STI from a random fling with a girl in the pub.

OP, he sounds shit and you should probably leave him. You can do better!

But the pile-on on sex workers isn’t cool imo.

There was an AMA by a sex worker on here recently. She was adamant that it was a lifestyle choice that she fully consented to.

I would never forgive someone for compromising my physical health.

I would never forgive someone for compromising my mental health.

I would never trust a man who thinks it's okay to use the services of someone who could very well be doing that job against her will.

I would leave.

I doubt the vast majority of the women are going to go into the how's and why's before they get into bed with some paying creep.

You just don't know the reason (unless they AMA).

The issue is, is that while there are many who do it willingly, because they want to and because they like it there are more who are are trafficked, forced into it, have mental health issues, are doing it because they have no other choice or need the money and wouldn't ordinarily be doing it.

Yes I used to be a SW and that’s what everyone says.
once you escape and are fully honest with yourself, you can see how utterly horrific and damaging the whole thing is.
the ‘happy hooker’ narrative is a myth. Even with ‘nice’ clients it’s a horrendous way to make a living and you have to split your soul to be able to do it.

My ex seen a sex worker behind my back and i have done some voluntary work helping sex workers leave the industry.
With men who engage in paying for sex its often a habit in times of high stress and they learn to hide it.
They also often engage in unprotected oral sex but protected imtercourse. They are often niave that this is sexually safe practice.
Unfortunatley you could either turn a blind eye until you are a better position
B. Get marriage counselling and request complete transparanency with phone and location tracking
C. Ask him to temporarily move to family to give you some head space

Get rid , especially as he has taken no accountability and blamed you. IMAGINE if you did the same thing!

You two need to turn each other on and put each other in the mood. Sadly sex and intimacy doesnt happen wihtout being in the mood. You both need to work on each other and ourselves sexually for intimacy to be reignited.

Or she could leave and find someone better!

Exactly. Nothing sexier than a man who pays to put his dick in someone! Huge aphrodisiac.

i could probably forgive the cheating if he showed genuine remorse and I believed it was a one-off… it’s more the ongoing grumpiness and moodiness that makes me think she should kick him to the kerb!

eitger way ahead can do better!

Sexworker?