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Original poster

Living in hell , having to downsize, advice needed pls

58 replies

Suncity · 03/04/2026 10:49

Anyone have to downsize from
A house with a garden to a flat ?

Me and ex are separating not married but we joint own house, I can only afford a flat with my half, the 2 boys will live with him (teens and early 20)

Relationship is toxic from both sides and he’s turned nasty to the point where I had enough, I hate him and see him as a controlling manipulator and sex pest, he would give me “chances” in exchange for sex and then we row a few days later and he take back the “chance” when I told him how wrong that was , his reply was “at least I was willing to give you a chance”
He brings up my alcoholism I went through, accuse me of affairs, slut shames my outfit when I go out with mates, told me that I “look like mutton” in a corset top I wore with jeans, amongst other stuff.

We have to live together till youngest is 16, tho I want to wait till son is 18, due to my son needs, (he has sen) finances etc, currently looking for a full time job, but he said he force the sale when son is 16.

My question is how do I cope in a flat? My mum said I should try to make it work as “I end up in a crap flat, poor, lonely and only have my cat” but it’s gone past the point of me liking him and I think he’s a horrible person after all the things he said and did to me. He thinks he is perfect and all me and refuses to believe he has also been abusive

How do I cope downsizing and living with him in these situations? As that is also hell.

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 03/04/2026 10:53

Surely living in a flat without him is much better than living in a house with him ?! He’s abusive so getting away will start to give you space to recover. You can make a flat your safe space and home

LastHotel · 03/04/2026 10:57

This doesn’t seem to be about the flat, really. I know loads of people who downsized to flats, either because of divorce or just choice, prepping for later life in retirement. I know lots of people who have only ever lived in flats and brought their children up in them. There are lots of advantages to living in a flat.

firstofallimadelight · 03/04/2026 10:59

I’d get the flat, make it cosy and have your kids over lots/ meet up with them. It’s got to be better than the current situation

Original poster
Suncity · 03/04/2026 11:03

It’s cause it’s all my fault and now I’m being punished, my mum said that it was a case of “when you kick a dog down it eventually snaps” in regards to me treating him like this, but Iv stopped the excessive booze, now I’m exercising etc, but minor rows turn him into nasty personal comments, the slut shaming which is also my fault as I said drunkly “ I want to sleep with others” I said this drunk and don’t remember but when he said I said it, was after a 3sum with me him and a mate ( we was intoxicated and I regret it tho he doesn’t cos he said he was living a mans fantasy ) but despite this it’s gotten to much and I don’t like him and see him as a liar and sex pest and controlling , he said I should of let him see my insta and delete my posts that he thought was inappropriate which I refused, but the thought of a tiny flat and no garden n not full time with my kids makes me feel like I’m being punished.

OP posts:
Whenisitmyturntorest · 03/04/2026 11:03

I'm confused by the situation. Are there two DC and you're planning to leave when they are older or are there 4 DC? I'd reach out for help now whilst your DC is still a child. Clearly your youngest needs support, not to be living with an abuser.

Original poster
Suncity · 03/04/2026 11:04

The 3sum was with my female friend not male,

OP posts:
Original poster
Suncity · 03/04/2026 11:05

I have a 19 yr old son at uni and a 15 yr old son with sen, but they want to live with their dad as more in common with him etc but it does hurt

OP posts:
frecklejuice · 03/04/2026 11:07

Your life sounds like a fucking mess, there are kids involved, too much alcohol, abuse and you’re worried about living in a flat? Get away from him and take your kids with you, why are you leaving them with him when he sounds awful?

Original poster
Suncity · 03/04/2026 11:07

Was alcohol abuse Iv stopped that to that degree

OP posts:
MrsMoastyToasty · 03/04/2026 11:08

OK, so it might be a crappy flat when you first move out, but with hard work and determination it doesn't have to be a forever situation, and you can move on again.
It's not clear but are you still drinking or teetotal?

Original poster
Suncity · 03/04/2026 11:09

I drink socially but I was drinking every day from morning to night after a job loss, mum being ill etc yes no excuse but I was using it as coping mechanism

OP posts:
LindorDoubleChoc · 03/04/2026 11:13

Living in a flat is the least of your worries! You need to sort your life out. It sounds like you really need to stop drinking altogether. Stop brooding on how much you hate him and try and do something proactive every day to clean up your act and become a better parent.

Living alone in a one bedroom flat without a garden is many people's absolute fantasy! Do you do a lot of gardening?

CrocusesFlowering · 03/04/2026 11:15

I can see why your sons might prefer to live with their father to be honest. How long were you drinking all day long?

Original poster
Suncity · 03/04/2026 11:16

No I don’t but he does and we have a beautiful garden and I be sad to have that ended , we both been toxic and abusive but he refuses to agree saying he just “snapped” but I think it goes beyond that, tells me if we’re together or not which sometimes is for sex exchange , when I’m cold n distant I get accused of msging / dating, when I’m warmer he flirts and tries to sleep with me / chats rubbish to me and when I reply he twists it n upsets me , that’s why after his last “olive branch “ I didn’t agree as same cycle

OP posts:
TheChosenTwo · 03/04/2026 11:18

4 of us lived in a tiny one bedroom flat (dh bought it just before we met, he was gutting it to renovate and we had 2 dc before we moved into it!), it was my favourite home for so mag reasons. It was beyond too small for us but my god it was such a lovely flat. We were there for 3 years while we scraped a deposit together for our house.
I still think about our lovely flat (we rent it out now) and daydream about dh and I living there again when we retire.
I don’t think your thread is really about living in a flat at all though.

Original poster
Suncity · 03/04/2026 11:18

Yh I get regarding the boys, my drinking was a year, I am ashamed of myself, I did stop the drinking and try to repair the relationship but damage was done he holds alot of resentments, and even when not arguing he bring up my drunken comments, and shame me re my drinking, it’s like I’m having to be shamed about it forever and I know Iv done wrong

OP posts:
Senmum2026 · 03/04/2026 11:19

Why are you waiting until your child is 16 for you to move out? It sounds like it would be in everyone’s interests for you to move out ASAP.

Jellycatspyjamas · 03/04/2026 11:20

It’s not a punishment to leave an unhealthy relationship. Being drunk excessively and engaging in threesomes doesn’t sound like decisions made by someone with a healthy sense of self worth. Your boys are old enough to decide where they want to live, and neither choice sounds great for them tbh.

Use thus time to decide what you want for yourself and make plans, save money and focus on regular work. A flat doesn’t need to be crappy, better to live in a small place of your own than in a house filled with conflict. Work on your relationship with your boys so when you do move out there’s a good foundation to build on.

Tryagain26 · 03/04/2026 11:21

It's hard when it's not your choice but many people happily live in flats.
My friend and her husband have just sold their huge four bedroom house with a big garden to live in a flat. She doesn't want to have to maintain a garden anymore, worry about the roof and gutters, or have a huge house (with fuel bills to match) to maintain and clean. She can't wait!
Try and look on the positive side. It doesn't have to be a horrible flat and at least you will be out of an abusive relationship.

Original poster
Suncity · 03/04/2026 11:21

It was ex idea to wait till he’s 16, so he can finish school, and son has sen. Also I’m working part time but currently looking for a full time job, financially can’t move yet, as they say I’m trying to “get my ducks in a row” I don’t want to panic leave and be left in a bad situation, the house is rightfully half mine I want to get the best from my half of the asset, so that’s why I want to wait as well

OP posts:
Original poster
Suncity · 03/04/2026 11:23

Tryagain26 · 03/04/2026 11:21

It's hard when it's not your choice but many people happily live in flats.
My friend and her husband have just sold their huge four bedroom house with a big garden to live in a flat. She doesn't want to have to maintain a garden anymore, worry about the roof and gutters, or have a huge house (with fuel bills to match) to maintain and clean. She can't wait!
Try and look on the positive side. It doesn't have to be a horrible flat and at least you will be out of an abusive relationship.

This was really helpful thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
Suncity · 03/04/2026 11:25

Jellycatspyjamas · 03/04/2026 11:20

It’s not a punishment to leave an unhealthy relationship. Being drunk excessively and engaging in threesomes doesn’t sound like decisions made by someone with a healthy sense of self worth. Your boys are old enough to decide where they want to live, and neither choice sounds great for them tbh.

Use thus time to decide what you want for yourself and make plans, save money and focus on regular work. A flat doesn’t need to be crappy, better to live in a small place of your own than in a house filled with conflict. Work on your relationship with your boys so when you do move out there’s a good foundation to build on.

Thanks I agree, the 3 sum was something I regret and should of never happened and I think ex did take advantage etc, he says he did nothing wrong no man would turn down 2 girls, and we instigated it and was Jezebel’s, spoke to his mate about it, who also told him my SM posts were to sexy, and ex should put a stop to me, but same mate encouraged him re 3sum and backed him up about it

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 03/04/2026 11:25

Change is always difficult, particularly when you’re not making it entirely out of a positive choice, but you aren’t going to be anywhere near as unhappy living in a flat as it sounds you are now. If you own the house as joint tenants and aren’t married then the equity will be equally split between you, you don’t need to hold on until your youngest DC reaches a particular age, it won’t make any difference to what you’re entitled to from the sale.

Are you getting any support with your alcohol use? You need to visit your GP and talk with them about it, you’re in a self-destructive cycle but you can get help.

Wildgoat · 03/04/2026 11:28

This is all kind of messed up and these poor kids living in this environment, I can’t believe you want to delay it to your youngest is 18, thays so so selfish. Just as you want to max profit and don’t find the idea of a flat appealing.

get the house on the market, get it sold. Move out. Get a full time job and get yourself in order. This ridiculous argument of I know I’m toxic but he needs to say he is too is so childish.

put your children first.

Nofeckingway · 03/04/2026 11:29

You seem to have messed up things all by yourself. Drinking , threesomes ( where were your kids ! ) and going clubbing in a corset ? How old are you 🤯. Add the toxic nature of your relationship and it all sounds horribly chaotic. No wonder the kids want to stay in their home . Poor kids don't have great options do they ?
Downsize to a flat , 2 bed if you can afford it for the kids to stay over . It will be easy to manage for you and it doesn't have to be horrible with fresh paint and some thoughtful furniture.

You are blaming a lot of the problems on your partner and maybe you should take an honest look at your own behaviour.