Am I having my time wasted?

[supertrampgirl]

I’m 59F and my partner is 64M. We both own our own homes and live 20 minutes walk from each other. He has been retired for the last two years whilst I work full time in a busy stressful job and will need to continue working until 67 to build a retirement fund( late starter due to divorce in forties, kids etc but I’m on track) , although I hope to be able to reduce my days down to four days a week in a few years .
He doesn’t drive as a result of reduced vision, whilst I do and him not driving is not an issue.
He spends his week at home, doing his weekly chores, watching seasonal sport on TV , walking into town occasionally and plays golf twice a week ( it’s within cycling distance ) .
We see each other most but not every evening , by the time I get home I’m tired from the high intensity of my job and the commute and it’s a rush to eat, shower , do daily tasks and get to him by about 8:30. We usually watch a bit of TV before I drive the 5 minutes back home at ten . Maybe once a week, very occasionally two, he will cycle to mine.
We lead completely separate lives otherwise , I will stay over at his on the Saturday night, go home to shower and then pick him up to go weekly food shopping , drop him back off, go back to mine to put my shopping away and then back again and we’ll usually eat late dinner and spend rest of Sunday together before I go home and the week starts all over again.
Although it’s a short distance it feels like a lot of toing and froing when I’m always so time short. I do my household chores on my day off in the week ( I work every Saturday) whilst he plays golf on that day.
He will mow my grass every few weeks but generally does very little else and rarely initiates any help unless prompted.
I feel fed up, we do holiday together every year but apart from that I just feel like a scheduled weekend visitor.
He is loyal and a solid man but so passive . Take tonight for example , I went round and had I suggested I stay the night ( it’s bank holiday tomorrow) he would have been happy for me to stay I’m sure but he would never suggest it.
I do love him and he tells me he loves me but he is completely lacking in any desire to spend more time together, it’s just a comfortable convenient set up for him and he’s used to his own company ( never married, no kids) .
I have discussed this with him many times and he takes it all in, but nothing ever changes, although recently he has put petrol in my car for picking his mum up and returning her home after a trip , she lives about 50 miles away . She’s a nice lady and I was glad to help.
We are due to get engaged in a few weeks, he has purchased the ring but I’m honestly wondering why, given that we lead such separate lives and he has no motivation to change it.
we have discussed selling up and moving in together, lots of talk but no real motivation on his part. Again so passive.
I don’t really know what I want from this thread, he’s not horrible , I just think he’s so used to me being so capable financially and domestically that he feels he doesn’t really need to do anything to support me so doesn’t.
its all just so low effort from him and he’s not bringing anything to my life apart from company at a weekend but I’ve got friends for that.

I forget to mention we have been together three years .

Do you want to marry him? Does he add anything to your life? It might be that living together as a married couple makes your life easier ... but might you become his default carer given the vision impairment? Not helpful really but just questions to ask yourself.

I think you've answered your own question here OP. This does not sound like a committed man.

Do what feels right for YOU

But the whole content of your post is that you’re not together

Has he ever been in a serious relationship before? Often at that age men are looking for a nurse or a purse.

If he doesn’t seem that into you I’d be concerned he’s just not that kind of guy who is interested in spending a lot of his time with his partner - and just sees you as convenient now he’s getting older. He may make even less effort once you live together.

If he’s got to 60 without living with a woman I’d suggest it’s because it’s not really what he wants.

I quite like the sound of it tbh. He’s close by but not in your actual home (perfect). He sorts out his own life and you’re getting on with yours, while enjoying eachothers company when it suits.

It’s independence with company. Not a bad basis for a relationship but I wouldn’t get married.

Your gut will tell you whether his passive attitude will work for you in the longer term. Reading between the lines, sounds as if you are doubting it. You do a fair bit to facilitate him and make his life easier with your car and sorting out your own dinner of an evening (surely he could offer to cook for two occasionally?). Feels as though he’s not that bothered, the only perk you get is he cuts your grass. He will have been retired for a very long time - a decade or so, by the time you retire. You’re at different life stages. It wouldn’t work for everyone. From how you describe it, I wouldn’t get married - what benefit would there be to it?, I think he suits himself and takes you for granted.

@supertrampgirl I have discussed this with him many times and he takes it all in, but nothing ever changes.

And the likelihood is it never will change.
So you have to decide if this is how you want to live, permanently.

It does sound a bit joyless...just watching tv together or grocery shopping and lots of driving. Do you never eat together? Could he not cook during the week and you cook at weekends? Why don't you shower at his place when staying there?

I generally won’t date men who’ve never married or had children. They are generally unused to compromise.
Plus, it’s just quite odd really.

What is it that you want from the relationship that you're not getting OP? I think you need to tell him exactly what it is that you're unhappy about.

The whole thing sounds completely joyless. Rushing home from work and gulping down food just to survival hour sitting on his sofa every night - what’s the point! Don’t you want some nights chilling by yourself?

It reads like you’re almost his carer - I see someone already mentioned nurse with a purse.

I’m your age OP and this would be my idea of living hell. I’d rather be single than in this perfunctory exhausting joyless relationship with a zero effort man.

This sounds like a slow death. A low effort man will drain you. Don’t get engaged and/or move in. You can love someone but it doesn’t mean they’re compatible with your life and your values

Sounds dull and like there's no spark there.

dont get married, that will change your legal financial situation when it doesn't sound like the foundations of your relationship are solid.

write down all the positives of the relationship and the arrangement, and all the negatives. Compare the two. Are they in balance, are you willing to,compromise on the downsides because the upsides are stronger. He sounds like he's quite meh about the whole thing and is appeasing you with a ring, just because you take issue with things. Not a good basis for the long term

You need to decide what you actually want and be clear about it. You've fallen into the pattern of catering to his needs and doing all the thinking running around for him.
I doubt he will change now, he's 64 and has settled into full retirement mode, though you can always chat about it and suggest he becomes more proactive. He probably hasn't given it a thought! Although he can't drive any more there's no need for you to do his food shop every week for example. He can easily book a weekly delivery like many people do!
Also why rush to see him every night? Go to his a few times a week instead and suggest he cooks so you can eat there.
You have made the mistake of facilitating his every need and why would he change things when it suits him just fine!

You clearly want more than he is willing to give you. What exactly do you want? To live together and he picks up more slack around the house?

I’m more like him in that I like my own space and would be happy to live separately but if you want more, you need to decide whether you can accept what he is offering and if not, break up.

Say that with the rising petrol prices you want to avoid unnecessary car journeys so he’ll need to cycle to yours of an evening more…then see if he actually does.
Not living together can be really great as you have both independence to relax properly etc and also great companionship when you feel like it, but if you feel compartmentalised it can leave you feeling glum.
Three years isn’t long, you could use the coming good weather and longer evenings to tweak things a little. What actual changes would work well for you? Maybe write a list to make it clearer in your head before you talk.

I have a similar set up to you and it sounds like you're missing passion! My boyfriend can't wait to see me, he's excited to tell me things from his week, we discuss our hopes and dreams, he tells me all the time that I'm beautiful and clever and the best thing thats happened to him. We don't intend living together etc either but I feel important and involved in his life.

Would this all be fixed by him getting a working shower so you can stay over?

Thank you for all your insightful responses. I am taking them on board.
I do feel completely taken for a ride, and compartmentalised. It’s like he wants the benefits of being in a relationship , someone to holiday with, go to golf club presentations with etc etc, a sex fix on a Saturday night but he’s not interested in putting any real work in to us on a daily or long term basis. He thinks putting g a ring on my finger is commitment but it’s meaningless in its present state.
He knows how exhausted I am and stressed from my professional career but just sees that I earn good money . He is also solvent but there is never any discussion about how we could together to resolve that , no care , he would be happy for me to keep working forever. Everything is in the vague future . I firmly believe it’s suits him to keep the status quo as it is for as long as possible so he can continue as he has done for the last 40 yrs but with the added benefits that I bring . i jut feel like an accessory . Words are all very well but his actions , or lack of actions speak volumes.

Don’t get engaged. Just don’t. He will always be passive and nothing will change whether engaged or not. It’s part of who he is.

He’s shown you what his personality and expectations are …, red flag. He’s not bringing enough to your life. As we get older our energy levels drop, we don’t have the physical energy and lose the inclination in my experience to “look after” a passive dead weight of a man.

In your shoes I’d start drawing back with a view to ending it. You say it’s exhausting so listen to your gut. This relationship, the way it’s configured, is not working for you and his passivity is driving you nuts. It always will. He’ll never change.

its all just so low effort from him and he's not bringing anything to my life apart from company at a weekend but l've got friends for that.

Then why do you want to get engaged ? Does he just want a Nurse with a purse ? He seems to be getting more out of the relationship than you. You make his life easier so what’s not to like from his perspective. Do you want to care for him if his vision deteriorates? What do you want ?

But why would you even contemplate marrying this passive, routine-bound dullard? Why are you making your own life considerable less pleasant by having him in it? Imagine being able to get home from work after a busy day and take a long bath before eating at your leisure. Freeing up your spare time to see friends, not doing his food shop and watching TV?

OP you’ve answered your own question. You are clearly fed up and aware this man with you out of convenience, but doesn’t care much for your wellbeing. He is probably quite fond of you in the way that men are when a woman makes their life easier, but it doesn’t sound like he actually loves you.

The resentment you feel will only grow particularly if he benefits from your finances in marriage.

I think you know what do to!