Am I having my time wasted?

[supertrampgirl]

I’m 59F and my partner is 64M. We both own our own homes and live 20 minutes walk from each other. He has been retired for the last two years whilst I work full time in a busy stressful job and will need to continue working until 67 to build a retirement fund( late starter due to divorce in forties, kids etc but I’m on track) , although I hope to be able to reduce my days down to four days a week in a few years .
He doesn’t drive as a result of reduced vision, whilst I do and him not driving is not an issue.
He spends his week at home, doing his weekly chores, watching seasonal sport on TV , walking into town occasionally and plays golf twice a week ( it’s within cycling distance ) .
We see each other most but not every evening , by the time I get home I’m tired from the high intensity of my job and the commute and it’s a rush to eat, shower , do daily tasks and get to him by about 8:30. We usually watch a bit of TV before I drive the 5 minutes back home at ten . Maybe once a week, very occasionally two, he will cycle to mine.
We lead completely separate lives otherwise , I will stay over at his on the Saturday night, go home to shower and then pick him up to go weekly food shopping , drop him back off, go back to mine to put my shopping away and then back again and we’ll usually eat late dinner and spend rest of Sunday together before I go home and the week starts all over again.
Although it’s a short distance it feels like a lot of toing and froing when I’m always so time short. I do my household chores on my day off in the week ( I work every Saturday) whilst he plays golf on that day.
He will mow my grass every few weeks but generally does very little else and rarely initiates any help unless prompted.
I feel fed up, we do holiday together every year but apart from that I just feel like a scheduled weekend visitor.
He is loyal and a solid man but so passive . Take tonight for example , I went round and had I suggested I stay the night ( it’s bank holiday tomorrow) he would have been happy for me to stay I’m sure but he would never suggest it.
I do love him and he tells me he loves me but he is completely lacking in any desire to spend more time together, it’s just a comfortable convenient set up for him and he’s used to his own company ( never married, no kids) .
I have discussed this with him many times and he takes it all in, but nothing ever changes, although recently he has put petrol in my car for picking his mum up and returning her home after a trip , she lives about 50 miles away . She’s a nice lady and I was glad to help.
We are due to get engaged in a few weeks, he has purchased the ring but I’m honestly wondering why, given that we lead such separate lives and he has no motivation to change it.
we have discussed selling up and moving in together, lots of talk but no real motivation on his part. Again so passive.
I don’t really know what I want from this thread, he’s not horrible , I just think he’s so used to me being so capable financially and domestically that he feels he doesn’t really need to do anything to support me so doesn’t.
its all just so low effort from him and he’s not bringing anything to my life apart from company at a weekend but I’ve got friends for that.

Yes, exactly. It’s the OP’s behaviour that is puzzling, not her dull boyfriend’s. She’s the one dashing about an exhausting herself for a relationship that she recognises is totally unsatisfactory to her. She’s apparently contemplating marrying him!

I’ve got the ick about him and your relationship reading your post.
I can’t believe at your age you’re getting engaged in 3 weeks - why then, why not before? It all seems a bit odd. Presumably you’ve been the driver in that.
If you want a dull life, go right ahead but I’d be running for the hills fast.

"I will stay over at his on the Saturday night, go home to shower and then pick him up to go weekly food shopping , drop him back off, go back to mine to put my shopping away and then back again and we’ll usually eat late dinner and spend rest of Sunday together before I go home"

This Sunday routine sounds bonkers. Why do you keep toing and froing from home? Why can't you just shower at his, put your cold/frozen items in his fridge/freezer, then return home at the end of the day?

The constant toing and froing sounds exhausting. You both need to re-think this pattern because it is not sustainable. For eg., why can't you take a shower at his? Or why does he need to be picked up for food shopping? Surely he can do it in his own time? Do you guys spend time together on date nights or activities like movies, walks etc.? These are really relationship basics. Make a list of the positives and what really attracts you to him, because at the minute it's looking quite jaded. If you aren't happy, then have a serious conversation and see if he is willing to put an effort to make changes. Not sure why you are getting engaged- will anything change after that?

In answer to the thread title, it sounds to me as if you’re wasting your own time, OP. No one has you at gunpoint and is forcing you to participate in this joyless routine.

It all sounds really dull. Life is for enjoying and you seem to spend very little quality time together. I'd toss him back and look for a few things to do independently.

Yeah I can’t see any reason for OP to continue with this. Hopefully this thread has given her a chance to further reflect and she makes the right decision!

Also just to add OP - men typically put their best foot forward at the beginning of a relationship.

So while this is probably the “best” it’s going to get between you two, just remember it could easily get even worse once he feels you’re tied to him in some way ie. Marriage.

But the OP doesn't have independence? She's running around after him, looking after him. It's not on equal footing or of equal benefit.

OP. PLEASE do not sell up or you might be starting again in your 60s! If you divorce and youre still working and he's not, that's hugely not in your interests.

It's awful to have to think this way, but he probably has some internalised misogynistic view of "I'm put a ring on her finger, that'll shut her up".

He sounds dreadful, don't waste another precious minute of your life on someone who'll never feel like they have to earn your respect and want to spend their time with you willingly insteadhave to be dragged kicking and screaming.

i bet he wants you to keep working .....

It does sound like you run around to his convenience. I’d have a think about how I would want my life to be and start to rearrange things along those lines. For example, you might decide you are too tired and time poor in the week to go over to his. Just drop it. Watch TV at home at your leisure. Tell him not to cycle over unless you want company.
Over the weekend, why would you stop over and then go home to shower and then go back again? That really struck me as strange. I’d start to try to organise some things for a Saturday night so you are not available for his weekly convenience. By all means ask him if he would like to come too, but do dates and expect some effort and excitement. Organise other things for Sunday too - days out - with or without him. You don’t care if it won’t fit the weekly shopping in. You can do that on your day off in the week or late one weeknight.

It’s a very unbalanced relationship and you are doing 70%/80% of the load.

If someone loves you, and they see you run-ragged, they naturally want to take the pressure off and make things easier for that person, cook for you for example, come to you after a hard days work. Do nice things for that person.

Cutting the grass every two weeks isn’t anything to write home about, it’s minimal in my opinion.

He sounds very ignorant, or is he actually very canny, and likes being idle and waited on hand and foot!? Because it sounds like he’s got a wonderful deal compared to you.

It sounds to me like it could be a great set up, and one many would envy. IF you enjoyed his company, and liked having a partner to do things with - days out, dinners out, holidays. Do you enjoy his company? Is the conversation good? Do you laugh together? Do you fancy him and is the physical side of your relationship good? Do you feel desired? Or is it more of a friend zone thing. Would he make a good companion in older age and pull his weight if you lived together? Would you miss him if he wasn’t in your life?

And to add to my post - a potentially great set up IF you felt looked after, and cared for. That seems to be missing. It would be lovely if he cooked for you after your long day at work, maybe let himself in and started dinner at yours. (If you like the thought of coming home to him)

@FirstdatesFred
That’s the whole point, it’s absolutely not a great set up for OP, because her DP is completely PASSIVE and she’s exhausted because she’s the one doing all the running.
Otherwise, I would agree with you wholeheartedly.

Well I was thinking your relationship sounded nice until I got to the part that you don't like it. And that's all that matters really.

It sounds like your expectations are misaligned.

Before you get engaged speak very openly and thoroughly about what marriage will look like. If it's a continuation of similar then don't bother.

Also don't expect him to change his personality. He won't and frankly why should he.

It sounds like you spend loads of time together to be honest.
Plus you get your bed to yourself and dont have to clean, cook or wash for him.

I agree with others that it all sounds very dull - for me though I would like the separate lives side but I need my own space (and lots of it). But…there’s no reason why he can’t visit you on an equal basis. Does he do stuff like cook for you? Take you on dates? It seems like this relationship can be summarised as sitting on his sofa and ferrying him around for his food shopping. None of this sounds like a strong foundation for marriage. I’m assuming the goal is to live together?

But if she weren’t in a relationship with him, she would still have her bed to herself, not have to cook, clean etc for anyone other than herself, plus she’d have her evenings back, so she’s not gulping down food and dashing off to watch tv in his house most nights, and spending Sunday mornings on two food shops. Even better!

Good point!
What is it you actually want op?

@supertrampgirl He knows how exhausted I am and stressed from my professional career but just sees that I earn good money . He is also solvent but there is never any discussion about how we could together to resolve that , no care , he would be happy for me to keep working forever.

Selling up and moving in with this guy would give you a decent pension pot and would allow you to stop working sooner (and this must be the underlying reason why you are considering marrying this man) but he is happy not only being together but apart from his woman, but also living quite a restricted routine.

I'm not sure that this is worth the gamble. Besides, a chunk of the capital you release from the sale of your house would have to go towards putting in a shower at his place, as clearly he has no intention to.

@supertrampgirl He knows how exhausted I am and stressed from my professional career but just sees that I earn good money . He is also solvent but there is never any discussion about how we could together to resolve that , no care , he would be happy for me to keep working forever.

I think the key here is that there is no teamwork, no sense of a partnership between you in your life together. You would be grafted onto his life, whether that suited you or not.
It's good that you have stopped short of diving into marriage with him. Lot of thinking required here. Good luck with it all.

It depends whether you’re happy with what you have together or want something different, which it doesn’t sound like he’s willing to give.

I am in a different situation, and what you describe has the bones of what I would really like. I wouldn’t be going to his house every night for an hour and a half though!

My dream situation is a partner who is monogamous, good in bed, lives close and doesn’t want to live together, happy to see each other a few times a week when it suits both, fun to go away with every now and then. You seem to have most of that, except for the 1.5 hours a night thing which just seems weird if you’re not even eating together! Unless it’s for an hour and a half of something you find really fun (sex? Board games? Intellectual conversation?), which it doesn’t sound like it is because you’re unhappy with it!

You're having your time wasted if you want something other than what you’ve got, because he doesn’t want anything different. If you’re happy with what you’ve got, maybe with a few tweaks, then no time wasted!

Definitely don't move in. Not that he seems to want to. He's not really adding much to your life. Maybe just split up? Or just say you've decided you're only interested in an FWB situation. If you think you'd miss the sex.

Hi op do you want a commitment because if it was me I would go less in the week tell him he has all his freedom while you are at work so you need to make less effort in the week also if you did live together I think it would be difficult he has his routines freedom there is no point getting engaged if you know it’s not what you want will you be heartbroken if it ends? Do you think living together will be better because your still going to be tired after work.

This is just a relationship of convenience for him. Don't get engaged to be married to this man, you're worth more.