Am I having my time wasted?

[supertrampgirl]

I’m 59F and my partner is 64M. We both own our own homes and live 20 minutes walk from each other. He has been retired for the last two years whilst I work full time in a busy stressful job and will need to continue working until 67 to build a retirement fund( late starter due to divorce in forties, kids etc but I’m on track) , although I hope to be able to reduce my days down to four days a week in a few years .
He doesn’t drive as a result of reduced vision, whilst I do and him not driving is not an issue.
He spends his week at home, doing his weekly chores, watching seasonal sport on TV , walking into town occasionally and plays golf twice a week ( it’s within cycling distance ) .
We see each other most but not every evening , by the time I get home I’m tired from the high intensity of my job and the commute and it’s a rush to eat, shower , do daily tasks and get to him by about 8:30. We usually watch a bit of TV before I drive the 5 minutes back home at ten . Maybe once a week, very occasionally two, he will cycle to mine.
We lead completely separate lives otherwise , I will stay over at his on the Saturday night, go home to shower and then pick him up to go weekly food shopping , drop him back off, go back to mine to put my shopping away and then back again and we’ll usually eat late dinner and spend rest of Sunday together before I go home and the week starts all over again.
Although it’s a short distance it feels like a lot of toing and froing when I’m always so time short. I do my household chores on my day off in the week ( I work every Saturday) whilst he plays golf on that day.
He will mow my grass every few weeks but generally does very little else and rarely initiates any help unless prompted.
I feel fed up, we do holiday together every year but apart from that I just feel like a scheduled weekend visitor.
He is loyal and a solid man but so passive . Take tonight for example , I went round and had I suggested I stay the night ( it’s bank holiday tomorrow) he would have been happy for me to stay I’m sure but he would never suggest it.
I do love him and he tells me he loves me but he is completely lacking in any desire to spend more time together, it’s just a comfortable convenient set up for him and he’s used to his own company ( never married, no kids) .
I have discussed this with him many times and he takes it all in, but nothing ever changes, although recently he has put petrol in my car for picking his mum up and returning her home after a trip , she lives about 50 miles away . She’s a nice lady and I was glad to help.
We are due to get engaged in a few weeks, he has purchased the ring but I’m honestly wondering why, given that we lead such separate lives and he has no motivation to change it.
we have discussed selling up and moving in together, lots of talk but no real motivation on his part. Again so passive.
I don’t really know what I want from this thread, he’s not horrible , I just think he’s so used to me being so capable financially and domestically that he feels he doesn’t really need to do anything to support me so doesn’t.
its all just so low effort from him and he’s not bringing anything to my life apart from company at a weekend but I’ve got friends for that.

From what you’ve said I wouldn’t marry him or anyone else for that matter - therefore I wouldn’t get engaged either.
Perhaps see him less and develop other friendships (M&F), hobbies and interests.
My Aunt widowed in her 30s never married again although she had a long term ‘boyfriend’ for over 40 years - they didn’t live together but stayed over and holidayed together.
She said if she married he’d stop taking her out and she’d be cooking and washing for him. Another major issue was that she didn’t want to be in the possible position of again looking after a very ill man.

There is a quote that says...
"My alone feels so good, I'll only have you if you're sweeter than my solitude," by Warsan Shire.
My friend was with man like this he talked the talk but there was no substance to it .
He to never had children or was never married my friend always had to go to his house even after finishing work at 10pm it was more like friendship .

OP you are clearly Useful to this man. However, from what you've said you already realise you are Not Valuable. Being Useful has a value but in a relationship it is far, far better to have some Valuing too. Also by doing all the running around (facilitating as another paster pointed out) you are NOT Valuing yourself. Even without this man in your life it sounds like you have a lot going on, stressful job, daily commute, taking care of your daily tasks and needs and no real down time just for you. what a tread mill you are on and then you, yes you, are doing the heavy lifting for this man too. It's your life and you must do what is really the very best for you and only you can choose what is best for you but ... I would be asking myself just what does this man Bring to you life and what does he take from your day, week, energy and joy. Good Luck and I hope you find a good outcome for You.

Sorry OP but this sounds joyless and completely devoid of passion.

It could be a pleasant friendship (with benefits if you both want to) but less back & forth and doing tedious stuff. A couple of nights a week and maybe the odd holiday but I’d steer clear of engagement/marriage at all costs.

You are sleepwalking into becoming his carer. Which is fine, if that's the future you want.

Only you can know what’s right or enough for you, what would you change to make you happier or more full filled?
It doesn’t sound like you should marry at the moment.
I broke up with someone because we only saw each other once a week, he didn’t want to do anything to make it more and I wasn’t happy with that so I broke it off after 2 years.
My mum has been with her partner for 20 years, never lived together and probably never will, they spend a lot of time together but their families don’t mix much and I know my mum would like more commitment but she accepts how things are.
It does sound like a lot of running around for you and I wonder what would happen if you stopped driving midweek?
like with my ex maybe nothing and you would only see him at weekends, or he would show commitment and make the effort?

I don’t see how marriage would benefit you here really. I also wouldn’t be spending my time ferrying him to do his food shop - get it setup up online and he has it delivered. It’s not your job to facilitate all that.

If you like his company generally then I’d just dial it back a bit and have a few (most!) nights to myself during the week to relax and see him when it suits you at the weekends and holidays.

Decide what you want to do with your life after retirement (move to the sea? do pet-sitting abroad for months of the year? start a course? buy a holiday home and stay there as much as you can? do voluntary work regularly? renovate your garden? travel round the UK for a year?). Plan it to see if it's really feasible and what you really want. Tell him that's your plan and ask if that's what he wants, too. If it isn't, decide if you want to carry on doing what you're doing now but with your own hobbies during the week. If not, don't marry him and gradually wind things down until you begin your retirement plan.

What's the point in marrying this man?

It sounds absolutely devoid of anything that's worthwhile about a relationship.

He will mow my grass every few weeks but generally does very little else and rarely initiates any help unless prompted

is this a euphemism?

If I’m being honest the thought of being with someone but not living with them sounds perfect to me 😂
I think the problem here though is that from what you’ve written, you sound bored. It really does read that it’s more a company and convenience thing with no passion or fun. Depends if you’re happy to stick with that for the rest of your life.
Good luck with whatever you decide x

He sounds a bit dull (at best!) What's the sex like?

I don't live with my partner, though I see him usually twice a week and stay over at least one of those. On other days we chat, and I occasionally see him with friends too if we're at the pub etc. We don't want to live together, but our arrangement feels like what we both want as there's still a decent amount of time together. It sounds like you're more getting a couple of hours a couple of times a week, when you maybe want something more like my situation. I would be unhappy to not spend a decent amount of time with someone, and it sounds like you both want slightly different things unfortunately.

A good partner is supportive in bad moments more than in good times. I suppose the issue at hand is personal respect for you. But he is getting older and retirement tends to relax someones mind.

The balance of tasks is one issue what about the balance of finance and how that would shift. You need to consider pensions, tax all that and what marriage changes. You say he is solvent- are you absolutely sure? What condition is his house?
They are all important questions a marriage is a financial contract as well as all the rest.