Silent treatment for 10 days

[Whenlifegiveslemons]

My husband & i have had an awful few years, we aren't happy, can barely tolerate one another in truth. We have 2 young children. Financially i'm worried re divorce as I dont think I can afford life alone with 2 children & have no family support. I feel trapped.

We had a big row 10 days ago & have barely spoken since. We share a home together. He is completely giving me the silent treatment - which he knows I find unbearable due to childhood trauma. Completely blanking me, no eye contact, nothing. Its awful.

The row was big, I physically pushed him, he didnt do anything back. I cant even remember what it was about now - probably about me doing everything constantly & him being a bystander in our lives, constantly being asked to do things to help. I was so angry, I have PMDD & undiagnosed ADHD.

I haven't apologised, i know I should. But i think im withholding because a. Sorry holds little value when the cycle is rupture, no repair, resentment - repeat. b. I also want a conversation to talk about the state of our marriage & how we move forward, which he never initiates & we barely ever have. I'd love to have more open chats about everything really, our future, finances, hopes, dreams - but everything is civil & surface level at best.

Im spiralling mentally & it feels intolerable while having to put on a front to my children. Im sure they are aware there is tension & i cannot stand that for them, i lived with that as a child, its awful. I do take some accountability, im not an easy person to be married to, I know my faults & work on them, but he won't. He believes its all me & he takes no responsibility which isn't right - he never repairs. Its always me.

I think i just need some solidarity/clarity - what do I do? I know what i need to do but as above, Financially I cant.

Gosh I really feel for you. 10 days is a long time to ignore someone, I think neither of you come out looking good if I’m honest. You physically pushed him but him ignoring you is equally as bad. Can you sit down with him and have a conversation?

I was given the silent treatment by my mum as a child (and even now as an adult). I understand the impact it can have on you. My partner started doing it a couple of years ago, I usually let him walk all over me but one time I’ve robustly told him that it’s domestic abuse and I wasn’t standing for it. I’ve suggested counselling but he won’t go. I think it’s the beginning of the end for you, unless he makes major changes.
could you do a benefit calculator to see if you’d get any help?

I’m wondering if it isn’t time to call it a day. This marriage cannot work if only you want it to. The alternative is frightening, but compare this to the misery you are now being subjected to, doesn’t a peaceful albeit possibly smaller home hold appeal?

Is it possible for you to have a break from each other? You say you have no support, but does he, could he head away for a few days to enable you both to calm down and think about what sort of future you’d prefer. You might find with him out of the house, the change in atmosphere fuels a reluctance for a reconciliation!

This is abuse OP and shouldn't be tolerated.

Have you thought about contacting Women's Aid for some help and support?

https://womensaid.org.uk/

Please split up. As a child who saw my parents go through cycles of arguments and silent treatment it’s really damaging. Please don’t expose your children to this.

Silent Treatment = Emotional Immaturity. Save yourself the mental stress and heartache and choose peace. You will be surprised what you will attract when you reflect peace.

The issue needs to be forced at this stage. Either initiate a divorce or go to your wider families and involve them. It doesn’t really matter about anyone taking sides, you just need to force a change from the current status quo.

The marriage needs to end whether you can afford it or not. It sounds completely toxic and damaging for your children.

Maybe I’m missing the point but everyone seems to be ignoring the part where you physically pushed him. I think an apology for that behaviour would be a good starting point, him ignoring you isn’t good but I’d be pissed off if someone got physical with me and then refused to acknowledge they were wrong.

You pushed him but refuse to apologise. If the roles were reversed a few days of silent treatment would be the least you’d be advised to do and people on here would be advising you to pack up and leave

Single mum of 2 (5 and 2) here. I left when my child was 3 months old due to domestic abuse and you absolutely CAN do it alone. You might not have luxuries but you willl get by and your kids will thrive. Definitely apologise for pushing him. That part isn’t ok.

She pushed him. He didn't physically touch her, she's refusing to apologise.

"Silent treatment" is still abuse.

I don't care who's fault it is but one of them needs to leave.

Womens' Aid will advise her.

You are as bad as each other. Your poor children living in that atmosphere

Financially divorce may be hard, but this is no way to live, OP.

I know, I lived it aswell. Maybe its why iv accepted the cycle of silent treatment & no repair? Its familiar. The thought of what this is doing ti the kids is what i carry the most. I just feel so alone in my next steps.

Id like that but he won't I tried a couple of nights ago & he completely blanked me.

Same re mother as a child & adult. It happens regularly with her - which makes me think is it me? But I am always the one to start the repair, go back to normal or initiate a conversation about what to do next. I suggested counselling but he wasn't keen, id have to sort it, as usual. He isnt proactive in organising anything - which is where my overall frustration comes from. I did do a benefits calculator, i'd manage.

A peaceful smaller home sings to me. Id love that. I loved my entire childhood in tension so this feels awful. Like I have no power in next steps, he is the breadwinner & i have no access to "our" savings. I think it is time to call a day but I feel like that is a maintain to climb alone. Time away would be great, he does have family he could stay with but he wont leave the house. Ive asked before - he has the whole "woman takes everything" rhetoric in his head.

Thank you, this is encouraging!

Im sorry you experienced this, good on you for doing it alone. I know what needs to happen next, im not bothered about luxuries, honestly just want peace.

That hit hard but I know you are right.

I would stop focusing on him. Are you getting help / treatment for your PMDD and ADHd to help you manage and make plans.

it doesn’t seem like this is a good marriage for either of you. You should apologise for pushing him as that’s not Ok. And apologising is the correct thing to do. It doesn’t absolve him of wrong doing.

Start making plans and figuring out how you can extricate yourself from this marriage as this is an awful way to live.

Pushing isn't ok, im ashamed of myself for that, i certainly dont want to be that personz but honestly -, it is the cherry on the cake in terms of how toxic things are between us. I feel he is quietly very abusive - financially & emotionally.

If you’ve done a benefits calculator and you think you’d manage then I’d definitely leave. I wish I had years ago.

Pmdd is managed, ish. I need to get an AdHD diagnosis as it exasperates everything. I manage it as far as I can, diet/exercise/space from kids which is minimal. I know what needs to happen but feel so overwhelmed at the prospect of doing it all alone. I guess on step at a time.