Silent treatment for 10 days

[Whenlifegiveslemons]

My husband & i have had an awful few years, we aren't happy, can barely tolerate one another in truth. We have 2 young children. Financially i'm worried re divorce as I dont think I can afford life alone with 2 children & have no family support. I feel trapped.

We had a big row 10 days ago & have barely spoken since. We share a home together. He is completely giving me the silent treatment - which he knows I find unbearable due to childhood trauma. Completely blanking me, no eye contact, nothing. Its awful.

The row was big, I physically pushed him, he didnt do anything back. I cant even remember what it was about now - probably about me doing everything constantly & him being a bystander in our lives, constantly being asked to do things to help. I was so angry, I have PMDD & undiagnosed ADHD.

I haven't apologised, i know I should. But i think im withholding because a. Sorry holds little value when the cycle is rupture, no repair, resentment - repeat. b. I also want a conversation to talk about the state of our marriage & how we move forward, which he never initiates & we barely ever have. I'd love to have more open chats about everything really, our future, finances, hopes, dreams - but everything is civil & surface level at best.

Im spiralling mentally & it feels intolerable while having to put on a front to my children. Im sure they are aware there is tension & i cannot stand that for them, i lived with that as a child, its awful. I do take some accountability, im not an easy person to be married to, I know my faults & work on them, but he won't. He believes its all me & he takes no responsibility which isn't right - he never repairs. Its always me.

I think i just need some solidarity/clarity - what do I do? I know what i need to do but as above, Financially I cant.

Thing is, it's not about you and him. It's about what your kids are having to put up with and what they're learning about relationships from you both.

Your worry is money. Start there, get some advice about benefits and a plan going. Who the house belongs to and who would have to leave. Things are easier with a plan.

You'll probably find that you're a lot calmer and happier in general when you're not bouncing off the wrong persons energy.

Sounds like you're doing it all alone anyway though.

This sounds like an abusive relationship. On his part. You reacted badly but it screams reactive abusive to me. He's wound u up to the point you've done that and is now playing the victim and now emotionally abusing you giving you the silent treatment as he knows this it what you hate. Everything you say about things being your fault and you're not easy to be married to makes me sad. He's made you feel that way. You're not both as bad as each other that was a cruel comment. I've been where you are and you need out. Contact a domestic abuse charity for some help and advice. You will find your peace. It might not be easy but you will.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Divorce is really scary, I know from personal experience. Do you have support around you?

Write a list and then a micro list.

and tick them off slowly. Keep reminding yourself to redirect and set phone reminders!

You may end up in a squashier home and much poorer but you will have complete control over the environment you live in which is absolute bliss after leaving a distressing and destructive relationship.

Leaving must feel absolutely terrifying but what you’ve got atm is simply miserable. If you can break down leaving him, try dealing with it in small bites, yes, it probably does look like a mountain, but don’t tackle the mountain, tackle it in small pieces.

Just the fact you do not have access to joint money is appalling, it really is. You have no independence. When you are able to access funds that in itself will be quite a confidence booster, not to mention the independence you will need going forward. Try to remember, one step at a time. If a life of peace is truly what you want, you will do it. You don’t know how strong you can be until you test yourself. Good luck!

OP you know what you have to do. Do you really want to repeat this cycle and have your kids enter the same relationships when they are older? You have to get out and you have to get out as soon as possible. He is abusive. What you are experiencing is reactive abuse. You need to remove yourself from this situation asap.

My ex gave me the silent treatment and it was abuse. Please don’t put up with it, get out.

So this morning, I was up with my youngest at 6am. He is golfing (the only thing he has planned over half term). I heard he was up so got my running stuff on & said i was going for a run before he left for golf - he says "I've got golf 8.45am" - i said "you put in the calendar, golf was at 9am" - he said he got it wrong....difficult/controlling?! He hasn't got up with the kids in weeks, every damn day its me. So expects me just to be there, on standby. All the time!

I dont have any support. Not close to family at all. I have friends for support. His family are amazing, I will miss them terribly.

My mother was a fan of the silent treatment. She didn't speak to me for 3 months when I was teenager until I had an accident at school and broke my arm. Then everything was nor again.

it had such an impact on me, don't expose your kids to this x

Seriously - you are complaining about 15 mins different between an 845 golf start time and 9am - you sound like the controlling abusive one to be honest?

I sympathise, the silent treatment is cruel and very painful however I don't see how you can have the conversation you want/need to have without you first apologising for pushing him.

As is the physical abuse of OP’s husband. For which she refuses to apologise.

I agree you both sound as bad as each other. This isn't fair on your children.

Making a mistake of 15 minutes on a calendar isn't controlling at all?! ...and you already mentioned it was the only thing he had planned during half term. If these are the only interactions you are having it's no wonder he doesn't want them. I would also be waiting for you to apologize for pushing him. His silence at the moment, if abusive at all is reactionary.

I also have PMDD and ADHD. I know the dance, and the only thing that saves us from blowing our lives up with our heads, is self awareness.

You either love him and want to stay, or you don't . If that's the case then stop being so selfish and leave, allowing your kids some peace at least. There are many organizations and benefits out there that will ensure you will make it through.

Then they are as bad as each other and need to split up.

Women's Aid will help her do that.

If you pushed him and he did nothing back and you didn’t apologise. He ignored you and it’s toxic all round. You could have gone for a run and said split the different back at 8.52 am or just said fine back at 8.45 and shortened it.

The children are in the most awful circumstances. Split up and divorce a court will give you access to marital savings and pension etc and go for a clean break. Smaller house, less stuff and no mess and then you can work on yourself and diagnosis and strategies so you stop this physical abuse etc you and the children will be happier for it.

OP May I direct you this post I made with lots of useful pointers that have been helpful for me in reconstructing my relationship? We hit rock bottom in 2018 but are doing very well these days. You're welcome to take it or leave it 😍 Just my 2 cents.

Relationship pointers

It wasn't simply "making a mistake" though. He doesnt use the family calendar, its a battle we've had for a while where things are sprung on me last minute. The commitment he made is the only one - that isnt a good thing, he's planned nothing for the kids. The changing of times is an easy mistake but its to my cost, I did cut my run short. But after getting up every day for weeks now with kids & him just laying in or getting up & out - doesnt feel fair. Because im always the one having to flex & change things. I dont think that is me being controlling.

Im not refusing to apologise. I guess im trying to change the script - rather than me always initiating apology/conversation. I'd like him to & id then apologise & wed hopefully share our feelings on everything like any married couple would.

You need to see it in context. It isnt just 15 mins - it's him changing things last minute & that's to my cost (cutting run short, running is keeping me sane atm). I wasn't the one who'd lay in bed till 8am. I was up at 6 am with kids - if hed been up & id lay in, there wouldn't be so much a problem with that. But the share of kids/duties - just isn't fair or balanced. Id love to wake up on any given morning & just go to work or have a day out alone, I sort kids first - im the default parent.

"I'd like him to & id then apologise & wed hopefully share our feelings on everything like any married couple would".

It's not going to happen. This is who he is and he is not going to change. Why would he when he has you where he wants you; put down and shut out. You are to him his uncomplaining domestic drudge/appliance who he abuses when he feels like lashing out. He does not treat others in the outside world with the contempt he shows both you and your DC. No this abuse of you from him is reserved solely for you and in turn his children. And as for his family they will likely side with him so you cannot rely on them to help you either in the event you separate.

What do you want to teach your DC about relationships and what are they learning here?.

You will remain in an abusive relationship with him until you decide that enough is finally enough. You have a choice re this man a your children do not. Put them front and centre in your mind now. He is also using your potential ADHD diagnosis against you and using that also to his advantage too.

The whole things toxic nobody has covered themselves in glory
I’m sorry but the title is misleading and a deliberately point to gain support

fair play to him for not responding if he would of pushed you back then you’d instantly become a victim and he’d by at fault even though you got physical 1st

it’s gone past blame and who’s at fault you need to go your separate ways

You are married to this man and thus has rights in law. You can choose to divorce him and free yourself and your kids from his tyranny.

Its over anyway and was over the first time he abused you; the silent treatment is the latest in a long line of emotional abuse against you.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none and you in turn are not some rehab centre for such a badly raised man.

Put your kids and you first now, perhaps for the first time ever.