How do others handle a partner staying cross after a misunderstanding?

[picomega]

Last night due to a miscommunication I pissed my DH off and he was in a mood all night and still pretty much in a mood this morning when he went off to work. It was a really stupid misunderstanding about what we were supposed to be doing last night and dinner but it ended up meaning we didn't get dinner until a bit later and he is prone to getting hangry and to be fair to him I was kind of distracted and not really listening properly so I am to blame for that.

He's also under a lot of stress at work and he's in a bit of pain from his arthritis and I think a lot of it is probably due to that. He never really came out and said anything directly to me but he was just like of giving me these short monotone answers all night and being a bit cold.

Its just upsetting as we never really fight to be honest so when it happens I'm always like fuck what do I do??? I used to get really upset and cry and beg him to forgive me but now I just kind of act normal (even if I'm actually upset) and wait for it to blow over which is what I did last night but I was kind of surprised at how pissed off he still was this morning.

Anyone else deal with anything like this?

Well, sulking is abusive behaviour. So I’d point that out, tell him to stop being a dick and to use his words. If he didn’t, I’d consider ending the relationship.

I think usually if it blows over in a few hours or overnight I just let it pass not that it happens often. I don't think he does it to be abusive I think he does it when he feels overwhelmed by his emotions and needs to kind of withdraw to process them. I think when I used to get upset, say I was sorry and ask him to talk to me, tell him what is wrong it just made him worse because it was just heaping more feelings on a situation he was already struggling with.

I do appreciate what you are saying and I've been telling him for years he needs take responsibility for his own hanger issues and eat something before he becomes an asshole and he still tends to let that get the better of him at times.

Hopefully he'll be in a better mood when he gets home!

So he frequently gets arsey and holds a grudge?

Any kids around?

No he doesn't do it frequently he used to more in the past but he's matured out of a lot of that.

He's waiting for you to grovel and say sorry. Don't give him that reward.

Let him stew in his own juice, the bad-tempered git.

So how often are we actually talking? It’s relevant

@begonefoulclutter Thats the thing I used to grovel and apologise in the past and that just made it worse because I think he's struggling to regulate his own emotions and how he does that is to withdraw, so when I was upset and begging forgiveness it just made things worse because it was yet more fraught emotion he couldn't cope with.

I do agree with letting him stew, I'm better than I was but I do still tend to panic a bit when he or anyone else is like this that they are going to leave. I can keep a cool face on it these days though.

@Fable2024 When we were younger he did it quite a bit but it is rare now (a few times a year) and usually over fairly quickly like even within an hour he'll be ok again. Last night he was cold all evening and again this morning. Possibly the worse I've seen in a long time.

Any kids or planning to?

Well, what advice do you want?

You’re now minimising what he’s done.

Exactly

it’s a bit odd

I’d just ignore him and carry on with me day however if he carried it on today I’d be telling him to grown up or it’s over , such childish behaviour for a grown man , I really can’t tolerate it

@dollyblue01 Thanks I think that is what I need to do. It annoys me to but mostly he's fine and nobody is perfect.

it's not really acceptable @picomega he is not a child, it's passive-aggressive behaviour and he is punishing you.

This may help with strategies for you 🌸

He sounds horrible. Just act normal or ignore him back I suppose. But it doesn't sound healthy. You seem desperate to make it seem fairly reasonable but it isn't.

I don't mean to minimise what he has done I just wondered what other here do or feel when their partner acts like this. I don't think he's doing it abusively or to try and control me but I would suspect that lots of people sometimes struggle with overwhelming emotions and that many women might have partners who do this too so I just wondered if anyone else had been in this position and how the handle it.

Do you have children op?

@Alicorn1707 Thanks for that article. I read it and I think a lot of it doesn't apply

"With sulkers, you need to be super-aware of their moods, moment by moment.
Otherwise, you risk upsetting or mistreating them e.g. “well, if you really cared I wouldn’t have to tell you how I feel – you’d know!”"

That really isn't true at all I don't have to be on eggshells or constantly on alert and I really don't think he wants me to apologise either or change my behaviour.

Yes

Hmm i think you're giving him far too much 'sympathy' here. DH pulled this shit early on in our relationship after a silly tiff and i told him right there and then that if it carried on i was off.

Funnily enough he's never done it again in 30 yrs.

I know there are some posters on MN who love to assume the woman is right and the man is wrong in any disagreement, but I'm not reading this as him being wrong here.

I mean, none of us know what the 'misunderstanding' was, or how justified either OP or her dh were in being annoyed by it but stepping back from a situation when you are annoyed so that it doesn't escalate is a perfectly valid way to deal with being upset / angry at something.

I much prefer people who are emotionally mature enough to recognise they are upset or angry, and are able to realise that shouting, or crying, or blaming, or escalating an annoying situation into a fight rarely helps the situation, and who then withdraws until they have calmed down.

Oh… so they’re subjected to this too? Awful tension. Dad not talking to mum. Arsey dad. Worried mum.

My reasoning for posting it, was just trying to highlight the "How to deal with a sulker" aspect of that article @picomega

Good luck though.

He is old enough to know better and deal with conflict in a more adult way which does not lead you to worry about what sort of mood he's going to be in, when he gets home!

Last night he was cold all evening and again this morning

over a delayed dinner

Thanks yeah I think this is it really, its better him being withdrawn rather than causing a big fight. Doesn't mean it's enjoyable or anything but people are different. I can get mad at him too but I can process those kinds of feeling a lot faster than DH also its lots of things like he's in pain, having issues with his medications and a shit time at work. If he keeps it up again tonight then its more of an issue. I was just venting a bit cause I was upset about it.

It is annoying how posting here people immediately label him as abusive when I don't think that is the case here and missed the point a bit.