How do others handle a partner staying cross after a misunderstanding?

[picomega]

Last night due to a miscommunication I pissed my DH off and he was in a mood all night and still pretty much in a mood this morning when he went off to work. It was a really stupid misunderstanding about what we were supposed to be doing last night and dinner but it ended up meaning we didn't get dinner until a bit later and he is prone to getting hangry and to be fair to him I was kind of distracted and not really listening properly so I am to blame for that.

He's also under a lot of stress at work and he's in a bit of pain from his arthritis and I think a lot of it is probably due to that. He never really came out and said anything directly to me but he was just like of giving me these short monotone answers all night and being a bit cold.

Its just upsetting as we never really fight to be honest so when it happens I'm always like fuck what do I do??? I used to get really upset and cry and beg him to forgive me but now I just kind of act normal (even if I'm actually upset) and wait for it to blow over which is what I did last night but I was kind of surprised at how pissed off he still was this morning.

Anyone else deal with anything like this?

Its just upsetting as we never really fight to be honest

Why? Conflict in itself isn’t bad. It shows you have different points of view; how you work together to deal with it says a lot about your relationship. People who don’t “fight”, by which I assume you mean argue? have in reality given up communicating. That is exactly what your original message describes.

Learn to disagree, learn to argue and to negotiate constructively. It really is positive if you have different points of view because you’re not clones and you need to talk about your different views, wishes and feelings.The alternative that the years ahead will be spent in a superficial relationship.

“I don't think he does it to be abusive I think he does it when he feels overwhelmed by his emotions and needs to kind of withdraw to process them”

This is him punishing you OP, for not complying. Toddlers struggle to regulate their emotions too. If he’s hangry give him this

You asked what other posters do when their partners do this. I'll tell you what I did- i divorced him and married a different man who has the emotional maturity to discuss how he feels with me instead of going into a sulk. Life is too short to be married to someone who goes into a sulk with you for 12 hours bevause he got hungry. Sorry to be blunt but you're blaming yourself for his bad behaviour. It's nobody's fault but his.

I just roll my eyes and ignore him too. It blows over.

Even though you don't see it as such, it's emotional abuse, I left, didn't look back, life's too short to put up with a sulky grown man

Even though you don't see it as such, it's emotional abuse

Don't be ridiculous.
Such exaggeration and over dramatic claims on this thread.

Emotional abuse is terrible. This is just somebody approaching the way they deal with being annoyed differently from the way you might. Let's not try and confuse the two.

I think it’s just how people are. I’m the one who stays pissed off quite a while and my other half gets over things a lot quicker. I don’t expect (nor has he) ever cried or begged, that’s not what I want. I just want time to process and get over things in my own time.
Sounds like he has a lot of stress so this could have been the thing to just tip him over. I don’t think it’s a big deal. You say this happens a few times a year, so very rarely and you don’t argue inbetween so I’d just let him take his time to come around.

You think you are implicated in his sulky behaviour therefore you are feeling you need* *to do something to fix it.

I'd be addressing that straightaway when you notice it.

Say 'I've noticed you are not speaking much this evening,not sure if you noticed that. I'll presume that's to do with your mood, and that it's nothing to do with me - unless you tell me otherwise'.

That means you've put the ball firmly in his court.
Do that every time.

if this is an occasional rather than a repeated occurrence you both need to get better at navigating conflicting views or misunderstandings between yourselves. Why not try couples counselling.

There's no need to over-react to the ups and downs of your relationship, you've said it isn't abuse and he isn't deliberately trying to manipulate you, so you both need to get better at building resilience and for your husband to also rethink his behaviour and response to conflict (hint: not going off in a huff the day after the issue). He has to be 50% responsible, what is he doing to think things through and understand his own emotions. Hopefully not nothing.

Let him get himself out of this sulk.

When he is back to normal tell him pleasantly that you have no intention of living with someone who can sulk for 24 hours over a miscommunication so he needs to sort himself out.

Ok maybe once or twice a year isn't too bad for this kind of childish abusive sulking but will it stay like that as the years go by. Does he do it to your children? How are they affected when he is going around like a cat's arse and you are tiptoeing around him feeling crap?

I ‘sulk’.

though I don’t see it as sulking. I see it as trying to re-regulate and find peace after a situation that has hurt / upset/dysregulated me, and I need time and space to feel ok again.

I also find it very hard to turn off my feelings like a tap because the other person has apologised or wants to move on. I have to work through them.

I’m lucky that DH doesn’t see it as childish or punishment for him and gives me processing time. Though he prefers to go straight back to normal and move on, so it’s been difficult for us both.

I try very very hard to still allow for normal interactions to take place, even though it’s a massive challenge. I’ve got better at it.

I have autism.

OP, could any of that apply to your husband? Or is it more, does it feel like he is intentionally punishing you?

Very well articulated @SENsupportplease

I don't have autism, but I prefer a bit of space and peace to calm down after a disagreement. I like to go over things that were said to me or that I might have said. I like to try and give myself time to understand the other person's point of view.
It seems like people calmly behaving like adults like we do, and the OP's dh do are being mocked on this thread.
It is a shame that more people can't be more empathetic to people who those who respond differently from themselves.

My husband can be angry for days. I just ignore him and carry on with what I need to. I did tell him he is using too much emotional energy and he gets tired physically through it all.
It did come to blows a few years ago and he eventually sought counseling as he knew it was wrong and he had other issues which needed to be addressed.

Husband and I both use, "Shall we start again?" and have a hug. Sometimes we then apologise to each other but not always - depends on the context. Maybe have a chat when you're calm about how to handle these situations in future.

Oh come on, OP - he's not 'struggling', he's not 'overwhelmed', he's not 'unable to cope with more emotion', he's just being selfishly and self-indulgently bad-tempered. He's not a fragile child, he's a grown man who's choosing to punish you with the cold shoulder even though you've apologised (though it sounds like you do that even when the fight isn't your fault) and literally begged him to be nice. He's just being selfish and horrible to you, and you don't have to contort yourself to try and make him stop - you should call him out and then just ignore his mood.

He’s teaching you not to step out of line.
He needs to use his words.
Next time he does this just ask him if he’s ok, if he won’t communicate just tell him you are going to get on with your life.
It’s unbearable hanging around waiting for him to come out of his mantrum, makes you second guess yourself and jump through hoops.
Dont buy into it @picomega just leave him to it, it’s not you it’s him.

It sounds like you are both handling this badly. If I had done something that I knew had upset my DH, I’d say sorry. Not beg forgiveness or cry but more “I’m really sorry I messed up the dinner plans last night and that dinner ended up being so late. I got distracted by X and lost track of time. I can tell it has really pissed you off. Shall we talk about it?” Then I’d listen. I’d address the specifics of what it is that he was angry about. I’d also explain that it wasn’t deliberate or a personal slight and ask him to take some responsibility for his part in ruining the evening. I’d also ask about work stresses and his health and just listen to what he had to say. If he was still sharp and cold after that I’d tell him it wasn’t acceptable and was an overreaction. But by that point we’d have worked it out and moved on.
people get pissed off in relationships from time to time. It doesn’t mean they are abusive unless they actually are abusive. It’s how you both deal with it that matters.

My dog used to have a tendency to stonewall so I would just go out for the day. That did work to stop him. He has mostly matured now, which is lucky for him as he’s retiring in a couple of years.

Let him leave
Why are you begging for shitty behaviour?
He isn't enhancing your life

True, that's why it takes more for men to forgive an affair for example.