Is this emotional infidelity, and should I consider ending the marriage?

[Calpurnia1]

DH of 20 years has met a woman at work who has become a very good friend over the last year or so. In a small group they occasionally went out for meals and drinking. There was lots of non work messaging late into the night and at weekends and I began to be concerned. Some of the messages were of the nudge-nudge-wink-wink type. It was painful and frankly heartbreaking to read them.
It really upset me and I asked if he could keep it to work where they spend time together anyway.
He has other woman friends and always has. Not a problem. But with this one…it’s different. They are clearly very close and share a lot of private jokes. It reminds me of we used to be when we first met. That easy friendship, knowing how we make each other laugh. Seeing something and wanting to tell them. Now he is like this with her.
Eventually after I let her know that I was aware, they did stop messaging but I worry it continues.
I don’t know what to do. When together, he spends most evenings with his phone in his hand, which makes me feel increasingly worried, in my own home, that it’s going on again.
It’s not physical between them but it’s so hurtful and their connection is slowly destroying how I feel about him and it makes me very sad.
I love him and our family and our home very much but it makes me feel lonelier each day.
Is it time I just face reality and leave or ask him to? I don’t know where to go with all this.

Everytime he messages this woman, he's driving another nail into your heart. I'd say he's already checked out of your marriage and is at least emotionally involved with this woman if not physically. I'm not sure that my self esteem could live with being his back up plan after everything you've shared - I'd remove myself as an option. But that's easy to say when you're not in the situation. I'm so sorry he's doing this to you.

Yes I would feel the same as you and consider thi emotional infidelity.
He should respect your feelings and reign in the friendship. What did you say to her?

I let her know that I’d read some of their messages and I found it really upsetting

Yes I'm sorry OP it sounds like an emotional affair.

I don't think telling yout H to keep their relationship within working hours was a helpful thing to do. Because so long as he is working with this woman their affair will continue and escalate.

If you really want to save your marriage your H needs to cut all contact with this woman and this would involve him changing his job so he no longer works with her. But you can only have a chance of saving your marriage if he is willing to cut contact with her.

I know that this won’t happen. Neither will change their jobs.

He's crossed the line imo.

Then I would ask him to leave OP.

What does he say when you tell him how it makes you feel?

Insists it’s all above board and I’m overreacting

It’s such a huge decision, and if he just stopped this whatever it is he has with her I would be willing to go back to how we were.

Bet he’s telling you your paranoid as well. Have you seen them together and noticed a spark? I’d be going out to every event their at.

He has always been a kind, lovely person. He’s intelligent too which is why I don’t get why he thinks I wouldn’t find all this upsetting. I think he thinks I’ll get over it and everything will be fine with us. I suddenly won’t feel upset and he will keep his lovely new friend too.

Couples counselling, and put it all out there. Tell him you're booking counselling and you would very much like him to be there as you want your marriage to be better. Either things will improve, or you'll get more clarity. After 20 years together it has to be worth this.

I’d be wanting him to change jobs if I was this upset about it and everyone in the office must be thinking the same as you which is mortifying! Is this person younger than him as well? No fool like an old fool.

So, out of the blue one night, when he's been on his phone - ask him to hand it over, to see what he's been doing.

If, like me, he's been Mumsnetting and reading Twitter, he'll be pissed off that you've asked but will be pleased to show you he's not messaging with her. Unless he has been messaging with her.

Unless he can recognise what this relationship is then he won’t be able to change. Does he not see any difference in how he communicates with and behaves around this woman compared with how he communicates and behaves around his other friends? I bet you he does see it, and he’s gaslighting you because he’s going to push it into a physical affair having denied any wrongdoing so far.

Couples counselling could be a good move if you are both willing. But unless he can admit wrongdoing I’m not sure I could move past this. It’s cheating to me, whether in body or mind, it’s cheating the same.

This will just carry on unless one of them changes jobs and even then there is no guarantee they wouldn't contact each other. Read him the riot act and tell him if he has any respect for you and your relationship then it all has to stop.

I don't know if you have read any of the other threads on MN where the OP's H is having an emotional affair with another woman but I'm afraid your H is behaving exactly the same as in all of them: refusing to acknowledge that he is betraying his spouse. Expecting his spouse almost to give permission and to bless his relationship with the OW. Like all of these other men your H wants to enjoy his new exciting relationship with his OW whilst keeping his home life and his wife as well.

Honestly OP it's heartbreaking. So long as he is unwilling to give this woman up it will be heart break for you. And it will totally affect your self esteem and mental health.

Tell him to leave. Make him realise he can't have you as well as the OW.

I think it’s difficult as he has let this go on for so long. A lot of the damage has been done in that you have seen he doesn’t have appropriate boundaries in place to protect your marriage. Hopefully it is just an over close friendship but his lack of concern for you here would be tricky for me to get past if I were you.

I have done this and he said it had stopped but then I walked in and saw him messaging her a few days later when he thought I was out. It’s so depressing. Makes me feel so distant from him which I hate.

Yes but you can’t. It’s heartbreaking. His head has been turned and I don’t know what you can do to stop it.

Then you know that you can't trust him. No way to live, you deserve much better.
Time to get those ducks in a row.

Exactly this. All I needed was for him to stop contacting her outside of work but he continued. Then lied and told me he wasn’t. No idea which bits Im meant to believe anymore. It’s such a headf*ck

How do you even start to do this though? It’s scary after being with someone for this long. And actually only wanting to be with them.

You need to start getting angry and push past the hurt for now.
He knows he is hurting you but continuing to choose her regardless.
Time to get distant, glow up, plans for you, new hobby, no cooking or cleaning for him.
You get one life, don’t let a man steal more years from you by doing this - ducks in a row