Low effort dp

[Mummblebee]

i find myself increasingly frustrated by the relationship I’ve been in for a year. We meet at the weekends only and during the weekend contact consists of good morning / good night texts and not much more. I feel like I put more effort than him in initiating contact and with gestures including gifts. I just have spent 1k on him on clothes and shoes etc over the year and other than birthdays Christmas or Valentine’s Day he hasn’t bought me so much as a bunch of flowers ( and I have asked ).
He’s usually better in person when we meet up, however the last couple of weeks he’s been disengaged and when I mentioned it he said he is stressed and it’s nothing to do with me, but I am really starting to feel the imbalance in the relationship and it’s making me unhappy and flat.
When he comes to my place, I make breakfast and make sure he’s comfortable but when I’m at his he doesn’t offer me so much as a drink when I arrive, and he always asks me to bring him something small from the shop and doesn’t offer to pay me back. He tells me what to wear when we go out to public places and I’ve paid for dinner the last 3 times we’ve been out as he said he’s struggling with money.
I posted a year ago before we were official and Mumsnet advice was that I am with a low effort man and I should bin him.
wish I had listened. So I messaged him last night at 6pm and didn’t hear back until 12am ( a regular occurrence during the week) and he said he was sleeping. I have told him that I feel I am putting in more effort to us and it’s making me unhappy. Now I’m waiting for a response.

He's not going to change now. You are wasting your time with any more effort in this relationship. Just move on.

I realise this now :( Thank you@LadyDanburysHat

He’s a user. Bin him.

Deep down, I know. I even had a dream about him wanting steak and chips and asking me to pay for it.
my gut is telling me I’m being taken for a ride @Catcatcatcatcat

What a waste of a year OP! He has shown you who he is by his actions ( or lack of them!) He hasn't even had the grace to respond when you pointed out you were unhappy. Do yourself a favour, end things today and tell him why. This man is a lost cause lm afraid and very selfish so please don't waste any more time on him.

I know. I’m trying to build up the courage to end it which is why I posted on Mumsnet. Thank you @Seaoftroubles

He is both a user and abusive in telling you what to wear when you go out with him.

Value yourself more and do not date until your boundaries are a lot h higher. Ask yourself why you thought it was a good idea to spend all that money on him.

You owe him nothing least of all a relationship here so you should block him from being able to contact you on all channels.

Trying to say this with kindness, but your problem is not your boyfriend, it's your self esteem.

You knew a year ago he was a loser, but you preferred to stay with a loser than to be by yourself or find a better partner.

I have no idea what advice to give you about raising your own self esteem, but I hope someone can come along soon with some advice for you.

Meanwhile, please dump this loser, he's using you.

I know you are right and I need to raise my standards. The worst part is, this is the best relationship I’ve had. Others have been far more abusive @AttilaTheMeerkat

Why on earth are you continuing to flog a (long) dead horse??

Do you think if you keep making efforts, spending stupid amounts of money on him, that he will suddenly, miraculously, 'come to his senses'?

I genuinely cannot fathom what you are doing here. He is treating you like a fool and you are behaving like one.

Ok thank you @ImdunferI will try to work on myself esteem and focus on myself

They see you coming. I do hope someone can suggest how you can work on raising how much you love and value yourself, because that's what you need.

Doesn't sound like this relationship is really working for you OP?

Maybe time to focus on yourself? You deserve more than this.

What do you expect posting on here Op? You were told a year ago to bin him and you didn't.

If a man wants to, he will.

Yours isnt.

OP

Enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme as this will help you re abusive relationships.

Also consider what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up. What sort of an example did your parents show you?. Was one particular parent abusive towards you physically or emotionally?. Were you always made to feel not good enough?.

Thank you. I will check this out. Very helpful and kind @AttilaTheMeerkat

I guess I’m looking for a handhold as I come to terms with it and end this relationship. Thanks @DrMorbius

You give an awful lot, @Mummblebee .

You need to funnel that time and money you'll be saving, into working on yourself.

I've just seen @DrMorbius post. Don't end up back here in a year lamenting over the same nonsense. Engage some therapy or such to help sort yourself out.

You Are 100% correct.
Im already in therapy. Thank you @Dweetfidilove

He’s read my message and I’m waiting for a response

Don't waste a moment more of your life, you don't need a reply from this controlling parasite.
You can ghost him, or if feeling even more generous than you've already been, text him that you are not attracted to him and he is not to contact you ever again.

Enjoy the bliss of being free of men, and relish in your peace and joy.

Haha! Love this response. Thanks for making me chuckle @DalmationalAnthem

The most important thing is to end things.
I felt really sad for you, reading your words.
You are a caring and generous person.
The worst thing you can do next is get involved with anyone else for a while.
It might seem lonely but what you are going through now is real loneliness.
If you don’t take a step back you will just attract another loser.
All of the energy and resources you’ve put into him - stop! For a good long while put them into yourself.
I took a good long while away from dating and worked on myself. It was eye-opening. When you learn how to value yourself you can root out idiots easily and will attract someone to meet your new standards.
But your focus now needs to be on you - spend your money on getting your hair done, buy a new outfit, start a new hobby.
Once you have learned to be generous with yourself first, that’s the first step.

There's no conversation needed with the man, ghost, or inform him he is not to contact you or access your property again and then enjoy life.

Engaging him in a conversation or argument is a waste of your time and eroding your self esteem.