I posted a few weeks ago about my situation discovering husbands 20k credit card debt, however I asked Mumsnet to remove the post as I was feeling quite overwhelmed and regretted posting so soon after finding out.
I am updating as the situation is now much worse.
After H swearing there was no more, it turns out there is. He owes a total of 60k over multiple credit cards and loans. He told me after I saw a 10k payment to a credit card and questioned where he got that sort of money.
He has a plan to pay this off by doing overtime over the next 2/3 years and his parents have loaned him 20k to pay a chunk off and stop the interest from overwhelming him. I have been through every statement with a fine tooth comb and it has all been spent on pointless crap. Shopping, buying presents for people, paying for rounds of drinks at work… he even spent 3k on add ons for a PlayStation game!! He would use his card for work and not pay it back when he claimed expenses. There is nothing suspicious on there. He took out loans to clear the cards, but then continued to spend and max them out again. This has been going on for around 4 years now. The payments started to be missed once the minimum payments over everything were almost 2k a month, which is when the letters started arriving to the house.
He spent all that on credit, and also manages to spend most of the money in our joint account every month. He orders things online all of the time, I have had countless conversations with him about stopping spending all of our money. He would do this without even discussing it with me first.
I am struggling with my feelings and how I can forgive him. I’m not sure I even can, but the thought of breaking up my family is killing me. In one sense we are lucky that we are able to pay this off, but this now means I have to take control of all our finances and ensure what we are left with covers bills and anything that the DC need. I am terrified to spend anything and am updating a budget spreadsheet I have made every day. He swears he will change and not buy anything stupid again, but I don’t know how I can believe him.
I am mentally drained and hurt by the deceit. I am upset that this has even happened as we earn decent money and have a reasonably nice life. It didn’t need to happen but it seems H has a spending addiction. Thinking back, it’s clear he has always been like this but I never realised until now. I feel like an idiot for not realising.
I feel now this is out in the open that he is feeling relief, whereas I am not. I hate what he has done, and I’m struggling to be able to even speak to him at the minute. I love my husband but I am so angry with him. He has put me in a situation that I never wanted to be in. I’ve always been big on financial security, and not spending above my means. Everything I have I’ve worked hard for. He knows this is important to me.
Has anyone got through this sort of financial infidelity? What did it take? Or if anyone has left, was it the right decision? Can people with this level of spending addiction really change?
For a bit of extra info - he has now told me that he got into an overdraft debt of 5k in his early 20’s and his dad bailed him out. I’m worried there may be a pattern to his behaviour.
We have been together for 9 years and have two young DC