Can a marriage recover after years of hidden debt and overspending?

[HulaHoop31]

I posted a few weeks ago about my situation discovering husbands 20k credit card debt, however I asked Mumsnet to remove the post as I was feeling quite overwhelmed and regretted posting so soon after finding out.

I am updating as the situation is now much worse.

After H swearing there was no more, it turns out there is. He owes a total of 60k over multiple credit cards and loans. He told me after I saw a 10k payment to a credit card and questioned where he got that sort of money.

He has a plan to pay this off by doing overtime over the next 2/3 years and his parents have loaned him 20k to pay a chunk off and stop the interest from overwhelming him. I have been through every statement with a fine tooth comb and it has all been spent on pointless crap. Shopping, buying presents for people, paying for rounds of drinks at work… he even spent 3k on add ons for a PlayStation game!! He would use his card for work and not pay it back when he claimed expenses. There is nothing suspicious on there. He took out loans to clear the cards, but then continued to spend and max them out again. This has been going on for around 4 years now. The payments started to be missed once the minimum payments over everything were almost 2k a month, which is when the letters started arriving to the house.

He spent all that on credit, and also manages to spend most of the money in our joint account every month. He orders things online all of the time, I have had countless conversations with him about stopping spending all of our money. He would do this without even discussing it with me first.

I am struggling with my feelings and how I can forgive him. I’m not sure I even can, but the thought of breaking up my family is killing me. In one sense we are lucky that we are able to pay this off, but this now means I have to take control of all our finances and ensure what we are left with covers bills and anything that the DC need. I am terrified to spend anything and am updating a budget spreadsheet I have made every day. He swears he will change and not buy anything stupid again, but I don’t know how I can believe him.

I am mentally drained and hurt by the deceit. I am upset that this has even happened as we earn decent money and have a reasonably nice life. It didn’t need to happen but it seems H has a spending addiction. Thinking back, it’s clear he has always been like this but I never realised until now. I feel like an idiot for not realising.

I feel now this is out in the open that he is feeling relief, whereas I am not. I hate what he has done, and I’m struggling to be able to even speak to him at the minute. I love my husband but I am so angry with him. He has put me in a situation that I never wanted to be in. I’ve always been big on financial security, and not spending above my means. Everything I have I’ve worked hard for. He knows this is important to me.

Has anyone got through this sort of financial infidelity? What did it take? Or if anyone has left, was it the right decision? Can people with this level of spending addiction really change?

For a bit of extra info - he has now told me that he got into an overdraft debt of 5k in his early 20’s and his dad bailed him out. I’m worried there may be a pattern to his behaviour.
We have been together for 9 years and have two young DC

I’d been with my partner for 5 years and 6 weeks before we married I found a credit card statement with a balance of £5k that I knew nothing about. I went mad, we took out a loan and paid it off. Fast forward about 10 years, we were moving house and he confessed to having credit card debts of £17k. After a couple of days of thinking what to do I ended up agreeing to pay it off with the remortgage. All spent on nothing and like a pp said he also used it for work expenses then didn’t use the claimed money to pay off the card. I lost all trust in him after the second time - he promised things would be different and I made him manage the finances for a while (why?!!!!) which he obviously made a complete hash of. I divorced him about three years later because I lost all trust in him and respect for him. It was 100% the right decision.

Bottom line is, he has lied to you repeatedly and will continue to do so. Get out now while you can. Taking on his debt and paying it off is a pattern and he will not learn. I’m so sorry you and all the other posters have had to go through this. It really is shit.

Financial reasons are one of the biggest reasons marriages end, your reaction is completely reasonable. His parents are helping him hide it from you too it sounds like- I wouldn’t be able to go over there again for a long time. I think divorce and you can try on the relationship with zero financial risk if you like but it’s high risk. I wouldn’t commit to anything that required his financial input as who knows when he’d just fuck it all up.

as a first step perhaps ask him of the crap he’s bought what can be sold? Computer game add ons don’t sound very saleable unfortunately. But anything physical would be being listed, no matter what he thought.

if you want to stay together then he needs intense therapy & you need joint marriage counselling

My dad financially ruined my mum. He was an alcoholic so it’s a bit different. She left pretty early on, he got sober and paid it off, he also gave my mum some money. They’re fine now, they’re fine about most things like him drinking and being a shit bag, but the money thing is still a real sore spot between them.

Leave him. For better for worse, for richer for poorer - it’s NOT for lying about my financial status.

First serious partner did this, like yours revealed a little and then I totted up the total. His was all amazing fashion bargains …shop stock amounts, all unworn labels on..hoarded. I took him through step change. We sold everything we could on perishing markets and then he did it again a few years later when I had been shouldering the financial burdens on a lower wage…the stuff he bought he was getting sent or left at a relatives. I wasted many years then left. It’s a capacity for deceit that’s been revealed. I wouldn’t trust someone who could do that to your family.

Good luck 💐💐💐

His plan of paying it off with overtime has more holes in it than a swiss cheese.
Overtime earnings are a + not a guarantee .
All it takes is the business failing to win an order,restructure,looking to cut overheads IE overtime
I worked with someone who relied on overtime so much so they started putting in fraudulent hours to make ends meet.

I

Get out ASAP as your credit score won’t stay good with him around. I’m so sorry. I’ve been there, it’s really really awful. But please get away from him

Been there, done that. IME, it's not the money that destroys the marriage, it's the deceit...not just one lie or unrevealed spend...it's the years spent concealing their own rotten attitudes and behaviour.

A story as old as time so don't carry on being the foolish person who built a house upon the sand. Good luck.

The problem is he is going about his day as if nothing is wrong. As far as he is concerned the debt is paid all is well. Until the next time.
I know this all too well. My 20 year marriage to a secret spender cost me half my pension and my beautiful home. I had to downsize to a much smaller house in a different area.
Ive divorced him.
Within a year of our divorce he's £50k in debt and there is nobody to bail him out this time.
Trust me they never change. Never.

The way I deal with the marriage vows side of it is that I made the vows but my kids didn’t. I will take whatever guilt I feel about breaking vows if I as a responsible adult see that my kids are having their lives damaged by this stuff. And they almost certainly are. Sixty THOUSAND fucking pounds. Come on.