So much negativity

[FlowerPowerHour]

I want to start dating again so I posted on a group asking for recommendations on which apps to use and omg so much negativity! Literally trying to put me off! Why so much negativity? I understand lots of women have been hurt but that doesn’t mean all men are trash. Why do women try to put others off? 🤔 has anyone else noticed this?

It’s definitely an “experience” but I did meet a good ‘un on there (Bumble in my case)

I’m an introvert and big meetups with lots of strangers just aren’t my thing and I find it hard to get a word in or actually connect with anyone.

Meeting one person for a coffee is completely different. It’s quieter, more focused, and I can actually relax and have a proper conversation. Also feels more manageable knowing I can leave easily if it’s not working.

I understand. I'm not a big group lover either but did do some walking things which were enjoyable.

Dating apps are objectively terrible though. I’m not saying there aren’t any decent men on them, but you will inevitably have to filter though sex pests, weirdos and generally undesirable profiles. I personally find that process incredibly unfulfilling and demoralising, but I wouldn’t say other women ‘shouldn’t’ do it.

But at the same time it’s important to know what it is, if you go on there expecting to be overrun by charming articulate men you’re going to be very disappointed.

I’m 35, been single years and feel very content with it, I have used apps on and off although not recently. The process I described above outweighs any desire to change that. I’m not saying it’s inherently better, but if I meet someone at some point it will be in person by default.

I think your reasons for using an app are perfectly valid. Going around once you are over a certain age, when single men are not in plentiful supply, joining groups and chatting to random men is not likely to deliver results- as most of these men are coupled up! Same at my work, all my lovely male colleagues are married or in partnerships.

I think apps are then the uneasy compromise as they are awful, but at least there's a 50% chance some of the men on there are single!

What I would advise is to use the Burned Haystacks dating method, I used it, met my lovely partner. Weeds out the quantity of awful men and awful dates and seems to leave you with ok men and then you can take it from there.

In terms of which app, I prefer either Bumble or Hinge, Bumble is the best for me although you do need to block quite heavily if you want to encourage matches from further away. I would rather travel to meet someone great than date in my local area.

As for being negative, I think some of this is natural. The apps are awful, people aren't lying, but having BHDM gave me a way of tackling the awfulness that minimised it a lot.

In terms of being single, I think a lot of women are only just discovering this as a great life choice and seeing it as a viable alternative to coupling up, and norms around this are only just changing- so it's inevitable people are enthused when they find out they don't have to wash socks, pay for or worse put up with the abuse of horrible men. I've always preferred to be single than in a not right partnership, sounds like you do too, so this is a great time to explore the options, but I think it's pretty obvious why many women are extremely against spoiling their peace with a man.

I take it with a pinch of salt though, everyone makes their own choices, and no-one is forcing you to remain single, so I don't see how some women loving that state is affecting you too much.

Do make a proper profile though, with pictures, thoughtful text and then block to burn (BHDM) like there's no tomorrow. Nice men on the apps do not stay on there very long. My lovely single male friend stayed single for about two weeks!

Thank you this is really helpful! I don’t mind people being happy single but I’ve been single for longer than probably all of them so I find it a bit cheeky when people make out I should be happy on my own when they’ve been single for a year or 2 i was happy on my own for the first 5ish years but after 10 years alone im ready to find someone now

You sound exceptionally patronising.
People believe it or not, know their own mind.

It's not dated quite the opposite. The evolution of online dating has gone from being generally friendly nice place to chat to being a go to place for hook ups and dick pics

It's a basic human instinct to pair up, even though we can survive alone. Personally, even though I'm really glad that many love the single life, I don't subscribe to the idea that people have to be happy alone, or else the must be something lacking in their life or personality.

I should also have said that Burned Haystack dating method is a group on Facebook and free, so you don't have to pay for it, you can join, read the 'red flag' rhetorical patterns to watch out for, but also choose whether to apply it. It's good information even if you don't fully commit to it.

I can't give much advice on apps as things have changed so much over the years but with regards to people being so negative just ignore it. If you use dating apps sensibly there's no reason why anyone should be cat fished or scammed or whatever else it is people are doing nowadays. I found you could spend time getting to know someone before you actually meet. Yes I met a fair few idiots but thats life. Also had a few short term relationships, they were ok guys just not meant to be, Then I met dh and we have been together 14yrs. Perhaps try a few different apps and I wouldnt pay a fortune either try the free ones if there are any left. Go for it, just keep your wits about you and have fun!

Microtransactions are not adverts.

As I've already detailed, their aim is to get people to pay and they use the free accounts to entice other people onto their platform, no different to nightclubs offering free entry to women to get the paying men to come in.

Bumble has laid off 1/3 of its workforce because they're not getting people to move from free to paid or buying microtransactions, and as there is no advertising they're not making the money.

Pretty much this. Its a bit of a numbers game but once you fine tune your radar so to speak you can start weeding out the time wasters and fruit cakes. I ran the gauntlet of OLD for a few years and actually met some incredibly interesting funny people a world away from my normal social circles and had some lovely dates even if the romantic chemistry was not quite there.