So much negativity

[FlowerPowerHour]

I want to start dating again so I posted on a group asking for recommendations on which apps to use and omg so much negativity! Literally trying to put me off! Why so much negativity? I understand lots of women have been hurt but that doesn’t mean all men are trash. Why do women try to put others off? 🤔 has anyone else noticed this?

With online dating, there’s no ambiguity everyone’s opted in to being approached and getting to know people romantically. In a hobby group, that’s not the case, so I’d feel like I was bringing a different agenda into a space that’s meant for something else and it feels a bit off to me joining a hobby group with the intention of meeting men.

I'm in an 11 year relationship ( am 54) I go travelling, have my own social life, redecorate my home etc. so what am I losing out on?

Well I think people should just join with the intention of meeting people, not romantic partners specifically. It just opens your real life circle to more people, who have similar interests to you, that could potentially be a good match romantically.

And just be prepared for there to be plenty of ambiguity (or outright lies and untruths) in online dating. People can and will write whatever they want on a profile to get what they want, say they have interests and values that they don’t, that they are looking for a LTR when they’re definitely not etc.

I’ve done online dating. It’s a jungle out there! Many men are just after sex. There are a lot of men who serial date, with the mentality that someone better is just another date away. You need a very thick skin.

I’ve had a couple of dodgy encounters. You have to follow a few sensible safety rules.

Well I don’t know you, or your relationship. What I said was, of all the LTR that I know personally, not one of them is truly happy and at peace, but the single women in their 40s and 50s I know, the very vast majority are far happier than their coupled/married counterparts.

Don't think you've used any of the apps. Only on Tinder have I come across an occasional ad, on all the others there is no advertising.

What they require is active users to make other people pay for a subscription.

No different to nightclubs offering free entry to women so that they could get the paying men to come in.

Brace yourself for the inevitable "have you thought about joining a walking/hiking club" question.

😂 oh dear that sounds like my idea of hell.

Good luck OP. There is negativity for a reason. I really hope you find what you’re looking for. Keep safe and come back and tell us how you get on.

Thanks but No different to real life though is it? I’ve met some awful men in real life too

I’ve literally used all the apps! And plenty use adverts, Tinder is now very advert heavy, with about 1 in every 6 to 10 swipes being an advert. POF, OkCupid, Badoo etc all use adverts. The free subscriptions have become increasingly limited as well, all with the aim obviously of having you pay to upgrade to send messages, spotlight your profile, or send roses or other such nonsense. I can see them becoming even more limited as time goes on.

These companies also sell your data, although aggregated and anonymised, so you, your activity and your eyeballs are all essentially part of their product!

There’s a method that many people recommend called The Burned Haystack when it comes to OLD. Give it a google. I’ve only read the cliff notes but if you’re set on delving into the world of OLD it seems to be a good system.

Work out exactly what you want from a partner, all the nonnegotiables etc and then you aggressively eliminate potential matches in line with this. Could be worth checking out!

They worked for me! Don't let the negative Nancies get to you xx

How about they are all miserable blah blah ....?

Here's the rest - you looking ahead to when you're grown up

People dont want to support it because if you meet someone who is actually nice, it will mean it isnt in fact all men who are shite, and just perhaps its their fault.

I think there is probably a lot of truth to that

But they are? I don’t personally know a single coupled or married woman who is happier than our single friends and acquaintances. Not one single LTR I know am I envious of or would want for myself. Which is exactly why I think I’ll just end up giving up dating and following their suit!

Yes, you don’t need to remind me of what I’ve said thanks, I stand by it. I am looking ahead to when I’ve grown up! 😅 That was tongue in cheek by the way, I’m late 30s 😅 I’ve had a number of long term relationship, short term relationships, brief dalliances… all were disappointing in one way or another. Even the ‘really good’ ones were not worth the effort I put in, because most men don’t return a fraction of the effort. And it’s something I see with my coupled up friends all the time, the woman carries far more of the load.

I’m confused… What point are you trying to make exactly?

Why not join it with the intention of meeting a really good friend, which is how many of the strongest relationships start?

No thats ok

Wouldn't you miss sex though ? Or just planning casual encounters?

To reduce the competiton and/or misery loves company.

Oh I definitely would, I thankfully still enjoy a pretty high sex drive and have some FWB arrangements when I’m single that mostly do the job! 😅 Unfortunately, they invariably get too comfortable and lazy as well though after a time.

While I haven’t given up hope completely of meeting someone, my interest and desire to search for them is really dwindling, and I could definitely see myself being happy with casual FWB for the remainder of my years!

Lol. I never actually went" searching" for my current partner ( or any previous ones) just met him in the pub where I was out with friends

Did have a fwb situation before but it got complicated with him wanting a relationship. He was great in bed but wouldn't choose him as a full partner in a million years