Stuck in an on/off not relationship, where we still act like a couple. Feeling lost and confused

[angelpa]

Hi, I’d really appreciate some outside perspective because I feel stuck.

I’ve been on and off with a man for a while now ( around 5 years). We’re not in a relationship and he’s made it clear he doesn’t want one, but we still talk every day (phone calls for hours, texting etc) and see each other about once a month when dd is with dad. When we’re together it feels close and like we care about each other, but it never actually becomes anything stable or defined.

He says “I love you” sometimes usually in response when I say it but not always ,sometimes randomly but also says he doesn’t mean it and only says it because I like hearing it, which I know is confusing. He can be kind and supportive and will help me out financially at times, drive to see me and spend time with me, but he can also be quite moody and gets stressed easily, and I often feel like I end up managing his emotions a lot.

I’m very attached to him and I know part of that is loneliness. I don’t really have a strong support system and I find it hard to let go. We’ve broken up and got back together multiple times now, and I feel like I’m stuck in this cycle.

I also have a child (dd 9, with audhd) and although he’s not really involved with her, I’m starting to worry about the overall environment and whether this kind of situation affects her indirectly just by it being in and out and not stable.

I do know deep down that this isn’t a secure relationship and probably wouldn’t become one, but I still don’t want to lose him. At the same time, I feel like I’m a bit stuck in life in general (health, motivation, etc.) and I’m not sure if this is part of what’s holding me back.

I guess I’m just wondering if it’s okay to stay in something like this if I know what it is, or if I’m actually settling or avoiding being alone. I’d also really like to know how something like this might affect my child long term, and if anyone has been in something similar and managed to handle it in a healthy way.

Please be honest but kind — I think I need a bit of a reality check.

please feel free to ask question if it’ll help with advice.

If you want a relationship, but he’s clearly said he doesn’t, he is unlikely to change his mind. Ultimately men like this enjoy the girlfriend experience, whilst being single and not having to give anything back. It truly is the epitome of selfishness.

I really wouldn’t recommend staying in a situationship with an emotionally unavailable man as a boost to anyone’s self esteem tbh.

Take a deep breath. Centre yourself and picture him writing a letter/email to a friend in which he describes :
you
your interactions/relationship
how he sees the future.

Think about what HE would say to his closest friend.

Is it making you happy or is it leaving you feeling sad and unfulfilled and questioning your self worth?

This sounds sad, OP. Like you are in it without much agency because of loneliness and circumstances. I know I formed unwise attachments when I was lonely (but didn't act on them). This situation is definitely holding you back from having the space to do meaningful work on yourself and to find a loving relationship with another person in due course.

If you're not happy then end ti. These situations are supposed to be mutual and both parties happy, if not then you're not compatible. That's the only reality check really.

Honestly it doesn’t make me sad. Sometimes I’ll feel a bit defeated because I do love him. I know he doesn’t want a relationship. But I’m not sure I do but I do like what we have. Seeing each other is always fun. We talk every night for hours I fall asleep on the phone, he helps finically, he listens to my rants. I don’t really have anyone else and he definitely doesnt. He doesn’t have friends. Only his mum and dad as family and colleagues. Says he never wants a relationship with anyone. So idk. I do want another child but I’ve had so many fertility issues and miscarriages (3 with him) idk if it’s worth the shot again and to lose him to have a baby eveen if it is donor.

You haven't said how old you are, but if you have a 9 year old i'm guessing you're late 20s at least.

Life's short you know. Don't waste precious time on this man. If you'd be happy/happier in a relationship where real love is (not someone saying it because they think you want to hear it) then go out and find it !!!
💐

I’m not sure I would be happier. @LaisteI am 27, he is 26.

That's awfully young to be in the situation you are in. You don't know what you are missing (real intimacy, love and care) is my guess. Have you had that with anyone before? Did you see that with your parents? If not, you really don't have a healthy template for a relationship.

You are in a relationship. You just have different definitions.

Usually these men say it because they want a get out clause for being slutty.

You're not 'stuck'. You're choosing to remain.

The situation is confusing for you because that is his intention. He wants you to be confused and insecure because then he has all the power and calls all the shots while you sit there waiting for him to throw you a few crumbs.

Honestly, this is really unhealthy and you should have some dignity and walk away. You could do so much better than this absolute tosser. He's manipulating you like crazy.

@Summerhillsquare he really isn’t like that. He is really antisocial, doesn’t speak normally in front of people just stays moody and shut off he’s only relaxed with me and a few work colleagues. Never goes out just work and home or pops to the shops. Lives with parents and sees me once or twice a month.

@Itsanewlife no my first proper relationship I was 16, he was 20. That was my dd dad. It ended after 3 years better someone else had rung the police due to me screaming. I had never left him for long. He was violent.
i got with a guy who only drunk and smoked and was horrible and controlling when drunk. Then some flings and then this guy and we’ve been on and off I’ve had a relationship since but me and this guy were still ‘ friends’ throughout that. My parents spilt up last year after a very unhealthy 25 years together.

He does not want a relationship and a step child which is fine, he is still quite young but you have a child and seem to want more certainty which is also fine. But there are mixed messages all over this with the long phone calls etc. if you are happy to have a casual relationship with him then perhaps take a step back and enjoy having that. But if you want more then he is not right for you so time to move on. Find ways to be happy without a relationship first then see who you meet.

This explains a lot, OP. I am really sorry for you but until you get some counselling you will not be able to break out of the pattern of being in unhealthy relationships - and being attracted to men like this, and stuck. Please get help. you are 27 and a single mum. You can have a healthy relationship, and also show your child what it is like to be in one, so they carry that forward into their life.

I am currently in a waiting list for grief couselling/ cbt since losing my baby this time last year hopefully that’ll give me some perspective

You want to have a baby with a man who doesn't want a relationship? This seems to be fwb on his side anyway. If you want more you need to move on, if it's enough for you fair enough, but what would happen if you had a baby would he stay or would he be gone? Would he be happy or furious, sounds like he wouldn't be a real dad whatever.

What has been his reaction to you wanting another baby? You mentioned you've had three miscarriages (with him) and I'm just wondering how he thinks this would work out if he becomes a dad but still "doesn't want a relationship"... What a strange situation.

@catipussno i want another baby. Not necessarily with him. I have been considering donation/ ivf for my next due to fertility issues. He doesn’t want a child, he begged and persuaded me into take a morning after pill a couple of weeks ago, we’d seen each other hadn’t been careful enough, he said he was gonna block me after that anyways as it was meant to be for closure but said he wouldn’t if I took the morning after pill and kept saying it so I did. So no not a baby with him.

I'm glad. Please do raise these issue too. It's all in a package. And, don't have a baby with this man. Put yourself back together first.

@Itsanewlife@Blorengia I didn’t mean a baby with him I explained in my last comment

Echo this

Oh, sorry, didn't see that. But maybe don't have a baby until you're in a better place emotionally? Ask yourself if you are fixating on having a baby because it fills a void, and what that void is. Take care. You come across as sad and broken, even if that is not your self-image.

Agree with others that the relationship with this man is a red herring and the real issue is your relationship with yourself. You’d benefit massively from working this through in counselling, ideally longer term work. Can you access low cost counselling online within the UK? There are a few providers and you may as well get on the list now.
I’m so sorry for your pregnancy losses also, that must have been really heartbreaking.
basically if you want a short version of a roadmap out of this, it would likely look like:
get therapy where you focus on you, your feelings and what has happened to you in the past - not just rehashing the behaviour of the man you are seeing but your own stuff.
slowly improve your self esteem via therapy until you begin to populate your life with more gorgeous and lovely things so the importance of this man shrinks down to almost nothing in your mind and heart.
eventually move on from him which by then would feel manageable, do-able, okay. Because you’d know you will be okay no matter what, and because you’ll have a support network that isn’t just him.
build a relationship with someone healthy who wants to show up fully and is proud and delighted to be with you and wants to shout it from the rooftops. Which will have all of the nice bits of your connection with this man but none of the shit.

but it starts with you, and your relationship with yourself. That’s where the real work is. Best of luck. ☺️👍🏻

OP I get why you are emotionally tangled with this one. He is clearly filling a void and has been for 5 years, and although he has been up front and honest with you what he wants, you seem to hope that one of those days he will change his mind about wanting a future with you.

What sticks out to me is that you want a baby, and you have become pregnant 3x by him, who is adamant that he does not want you, and so if you were to get pregnant by him again, and that one sticks, can you imagine the huge rejection that child will go through knowing dad will not want either of you. Are you ready to take that on? Is that even fair on the child? He is not going to suddenly wake up and realise that he has been wrong all along and you are it for him, so are you willing to be in this secenario with him another 5 years?

You are still young, and so you have got time to find someone who is going to want the world with you, so perhaps have a look at why you are holding onto this one, is it unconscious decision beacuse you say you are "happy with what you have?

Your DD is learning from you, so what you allow into your life is what you are allwoing into your DD life, regardless of if she is not there when you and him meet up. It has an impact.

We talk every night for hours I fall asleep on the phone

This is like an addiction.
Like some people drink alcohol every night before bed, or smoke weed.
It often happens when you can't face the reality of sleeping alone.

It will be extremely tough to go 'cold turkey' and give him up all at once.
So I suggest doing it slowly.
Start by ending the phone calls a good 30 mins or an hour before you fall asleep - aim to fall asleep without him.
Then give up being on the phone in bed - switch to only being on the phone when fully dressed and not in the bedroom.
Etc.
Also, stop taking money from him. Learn to manage your own money, alone and independent.

Because you realise you do have to give him up, don't you?
This cannot go on for decades into the future. He is not the life partner you want and need.