Stuck in an on/off not relationship, where we still act like a couple. Feeling lost and confused

[angelpa]

Hi, I’d really appreciate some outside perspective because I feel stuck.

I’ve been on and off with a man for a while now ( around 5 years). We’re not in a relationship and he’s made it clear he doesn’t want one, but we still talk every day (phone calls for hours, texting etc) and see each other about once a month when dd is with dad. When we’re together it feels close and like we care about each other, but it never actually becomes anything stable or defined.

He says “I love you” sometimes usually in response when I say it but not always ,sometimes randomly but also says he doesn’t mean it and only says it because I like hearing it, which I know is confusing. He can be kind and supportive and will help me out financially at times, drive to see me and spend time with me, but he can also be quite moody and gets stressed easily, and I often feel like I end up managing his emotions a lot.

I’m very attached to him and I know part of that is loneliness. I don’t really have a strong support system and I find it hard to let go. We’ve broken up and got back together multiple times now, and I feel like I’m stuck in this cycle.

I also have a child (dd 9, with audhd) and although he’s not really involved with her, I’m starting to worry about the overall environment and whether this kind of situation affects her indirectly just by it being in and out and not stable.

I do know deep down that this isn’t a secure relationship and probably wouldn’t become one, but I still don’t want to lose him. At the same time, I feel like I’m a bit stuck in life in general (health, motivation, etc.) and I’m not sure if this is part of what’s holding me back.

I guess I’m just wondering if it’s okay to stay in something like this if I know what it is, or if I’m actually settling or avoiding being alone. I’d also really like to know how something like this might affect my child long term, and if anyone has been in something similar and managed to handle it in a healthy way.

Please be honest but kind — I think I need a bit of a reality check.

please feel free to ask question if it’ll help with advice.

I@StandingDeskDisco do realise I’d probably have to give him up at some point but usually there’s an external factor. We did almost stop talking not long ago but he said he wouldn’t if I took the plan b. But usually it’s like external factors like his decision or something big happen and we stop.

{mention:TheAvidWriter}@catipussno i want another baby. Not necessarily with him. I have been considering donation/ ivf for my next due to fertility issues. He doesn’t want a child, he begged and persuaded me into take a morning after pill a couple of weeks ago, we’d seen each other hadn’t been careful enough, he said he was gonna block me after that anyways as it was meant to be for closure but said he wouldn’t if I took the morning after pill and kept saying it so I did. So no not a baby with him

@TheAvidWriteri pasted the comment above what I had commented earlier. I misspoke earlier, I want a baby but not with him. Ashe doesn’t.

You're very young to be settling, 5 years in a situationship, it sounds mentally exhausting, it's your life but if he's stressed he doesn't want you full time you must know you need to back away, you deserve more than that. Try to love yourself, fill your time with simple things that bring you joy with your daughter, hobbies, groups.

Surely this is okay as a friendship? He just updated me he only wants to kiss. No more sex? I don’t understand it ffs.

@Justchillinherewe have been in a relationship on and off and he lived here briefly too.

Honestly don’t think I need anymore advice. Thank you to everyone that’s commented. I have spoken to him about this post. And about how I feel he said he’ll try and do more things I like now. Like seeing my family with me even tho he doesn’t like them. And going for a drink once a month or whatever. But he doesnt want anything more than friendship. No intimacy no kissing nothing which is weird because we was doing it all last time. It hurt me more than I thought it would. Anyways. Thank you again.

Echo this

He doesn't want to risk getting you pregnant again, that is why he doesn't want sex any more.
He just wants a friend he can have sex with, no comittment.
Now with you, he dare not even have sex, so you can expect the friendship to slowly fade.

@StandingDeskDiscoyes, that’s true. He doesn’t want children at all. Wants to talk all the time on his lunch breaks. 7pm-12am every night , on and off through the days on weekends/ holiday, share the bed when he stays. “Cuddles”- his words. But no sex or any intimacy. Odd behaviour.

What are you getting out of this non-relationship?
Do you want to be tied up talking to him on all his lunchbreaks and every evening?
Are you not fed up of him monopolising your time and energy like that?

What quality time are you spending with your daughter?
What time and effort are you devoting to your career? Do you work? Are you training to improve your prospects, or job hunting?

It is ridiculous that he is taking so much of the time and energy that you should be spending on your daughter and yourself.

I am currently a “full time carer” for my daughter. I get called into the school most days to support her with her extra needs which caused me to leave my last job in childcare as it was everyday I was needed and have yet found another job as flexible. I don’t study. I have cats I rescued I look after. (6). I honestly don’t think I’ll be able to stop this. So maybe I’m wasting my time. I love him. Enjoy his company. I spend after school hours until that time playing with my daughter and doing dinner etc.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read this and comment. I know what should be done, I’m going to take some time to figure out how. I am aware of my codependence but it doesn’t make it any easier to solve.

But what has made it a little easier is last night when I mentioned everything in this ‘relationship’ is in his favour and he needs to be out of his comfort zone too, I asked him to come down this weekend ( he lives 3 hours away via car) he said no. I asked why and a few light excuses like the. Money aspect which is easily solved as I can pay fuel, he’s already seen me two weekends this month whilst my daughter was away, but if he wanted to he would, an that my daughter was here. I said what’s the problem? He said he just can’t. After some questions he said he doesn’t want to hear whining, moaning, doesn’t want to play with her. I said so you just don’t like my child and after some time he said no I don’t. I said how? She’s just a kid. He said he answered the question he’s not saying anything else. Asshole.

He is using you. The moment someone comes along who he’s really into, he will drop you like a hot brick, and you will have to deal with the emotional fallout of seeing him in a ‘proper’ relationship with someone else. RIP off the plaster and leave now. It’s much better for you.

He is basically a twentysomething teenager.
He has no idea how an adult relationship functions.
You have been through such a lot. Your parents divorcing will have upset you.
Previous relationships have been abusive.
While this ‘boy’ isn’t abusive in the same sense, he can’t give you any of the basics you need.
A lot of young men his age don’t want to take on a child in any sense. There are enough boards on here where really grown-up men with responsible jobs don’t want to be around their own children.
You need to slow down a bit. You’ve enjoyed having company and someone to talk to but this is going nowhere.
I know you have a desire to have another child but could you wait a while?
Concentrate all of your resources on the wonderful child you already have and yourself for a while.
Nothing will come into your life that will bring you joy while this young man is taking up
space.
You deserve so much better - someone as fantastic as you!

Sorry to hear about your fertility issues. That's going to make your situation harder to process.

Have you considered the fact that he would quite like a relationship, just not with you?

At the moment, he's having all or most of his needs met with you, at zero commitment cost to him, so he'll continue that until you say 'no more'. I'd urge you to consider that the other reason why he doesn't want a relationship with you is because although you give him so much, you are not 'The One' for him. He likes you as a good friend he has sex with, but he's not romantically attached or in love with you.

The fastest way to get over him, is instead of pouring hours into spending time with him, you need to spend those hours trying to make friends. You might even surprise yourself how much more emotionally independent you become when you do that.

This

@MidnightMeltdownThank you. Yes this is exactly what I said, he gets everything it’s not okay. And calling my child annoying and saying he doesn’t like her is just not okay. Saying she’s whiny and moans a lot and wants to play to much etc

He sounds like a young boy who doesn’t want to play with an ‘annoying’ girl.
You are better off without him.

This is so weird op

Just block him. Start modelling a woman with self respect to your daughter so she doesn't end up in such a wretched position.

A friend of mine was in a relationship for 6 years with a man she really loved, he told her from the beginning that he didn’t want marriage or a long term relationship but she was so happy she chose to ignore that and as the relationship grew she assumed he had changed his mind.

One day he left with his head held high and said he’s always been completely honest about not wanting to settle down.

Next she heard of him he had met someone and before long was happily married with kids it was clear he was just passing time until he met the one.

There’s no doubt he probably loved her in a way but he didn’t see a future with her but she was nice enough for now. She was devastated and shocked that he actually still meant that.
It’s so sad because like her someone is out there who will love and cherish you but it’s not him.

Listen to him when he says he doesn’t want a relationship because if you were the one for him, he wouldn’t let you go.

You get to choose who you "love" just like you get to choose what you are "prepared to put up with" from other people.

Counselling sounds like a brilliant idea to me because I think your bar is way too low.

Also get onto your dd's school and ask when they're going to sort out the support she needs. I have been there with DS2 and had to push hard for an echp. Both me and dh work - it was touch and go whether we could maintain that for a while because ds did not have the support he needed. Because I work in education I knew what school should have been doing and could force the issue - it sounds like your dd's school is also not meeting the standards it should be.

Oh, you sound lovely and kind and he is not. He is taking your time talking for hours and company when he wants it on his terms, but it’s very limited what he is offering back.
Being a single parent is lonely and you have had a lot to deal with in recent years but you are pouring energy into someone who is not giving it back.
I also think you have given him the privilege and courtesy of letting him into your DD’s life and if that is his view of her, there is not really any going back from that.
I really hope you can get some counselling as you say, and find some other things in life that give you joy. There are a lot of hours of your precious life going to this man who is giving not much back.

OP, in the nicest possible way: he is just not that in to you. I promise you that you WILL meet someone one day who will make you look back and wonder why you wasted so much time. Be kind to yourself, but please dump this man child and pour into yourself and your daughter.