Stuck in an on/off not relationship, where we still act like a couple. Feeling lost and confused

[angelpa]

Hi, I’d really appreciate some outside perspective because I feel stuck.

I’ve been on and off with a man for a while now ( around 5 years). We’re not in a relationship and he’s made it clear he doesn’t want one, but we still talk every day (phone calls for hours, texting etc) and see each other about once a month when dd is with dad. When we’re together it feels close and like we care about each other, but it never actually becomes anything stable or defined.

He says “I love you” sometimes usually in response when I say it but not always ,sometimes randomly but also says he doesn’t mean it and only says it because I like hearing it, which I know is confusing. He can be kind and supportive and will help me out financially at times, drive to see me and spend time with me, but he can also be quite moody and gets stressed easily, and I often feel like I end up managing his emotions a lot.

I’m very attached to him and I know part of that is loneliness. I don’t really have a strong support system and I find it hard to let go. We’ve broken up and got back together multiple times now, and I feel like I’m stuck in this cycle.

I also have a child (dd 9, with audhd) and although he’s not really involved with her, I’m starting to worry about the overall environment and whether this kind of situation affects her indirectly just by it being in and out and not stable.

I do know deep down that this isn’t a secure relationship and probably wouldn’t become one, but I still don’t want to lose him. At the same time, I feel like I’m a bit stuck in life in general (health, motivation, etc.) and I’m not sure if this is part of what’s holding me back.

I guess I’m just wondering if it’s okay to stay in something like this if I know what it is, or if I’m actually settling or avoiding being alone. I’d also really like to know how something like this might affect my child long term, and if anyone has been in something similar and managed to handle it in a healthy way.

Please be honest but kind — I think I need a bit of a reality check.

please feel free to ask question if it’ll help with advice.

Jesus. Six years :(

With your dd, do your have time and capacity for a full relationship at the time? Or does this friends with benefits situation actually kind of work for you?
(but reading your updates it sounds unhealthy and like it doesn’t work for you)

@FirstdatesFredI’m not sure I even want a relationship anymore tbf. Have really been thinking ( in 5 years or more) to do ivf sperm donation for future children to avoid these situation and to aid fertility issues.

I wish I could let go, focus on myself and my child solely. Sort on going health issues of mine and work on my mh. Him saying what he had has definitely helped break some attachment.

Another child? Why?

I want another child in the future. I have for a long time. I have had many losses of varying stages. My daughter has lost many siblings. Why would I not?

Update (as things have moved on quite a bit):

I didn’t expect to come back to this thread but I’ve been reading all the replies and I know what most of you were saying does make sense logically. I’ve also spoken to a few people about this more recently and things like limerence, attachment and it almost being like an addiction were mentioned, which I can see in myself. Most people have basically said the same thing – that I need to walk away – but I think what I’m struggling with is how to actually do that in practice. So if anyone has any specific advice on steps or mindset that helped them, I’d really appreciate it.

Since posting, we’ve ended up falling straight back into the same pattern again – talking all day, phone calls, being very close, and it slipping back into something that feels like a relationship again. We were even talking about things like wearing rings and plans for the future (including living together eventually when my daughter is older), which I think is part of why I keep getting pulled back in.

I did try to have a proper conversation with him about it and said that from my perspective this is a relationship based on how we are with each other. His response was basically that if that’s the case then we should stop everything, because he doesn’t want a relationship.

The biggest issue now is my daughter. At the moment she can’t go to her dad’s as planned because things are quite inconsistent there, so I don’t have that regular time where she’s away anymore.

He has now said very clearly that he doesn’t want to be around her at all. He said he finds it / her stressful and annoying, and would rather end things than be in a situation where he has to be around her. He did come down recently and we all went out together, but he barely interacted with her apart from maybe half an hour talking about a game they both play, and otherwise kept his distance.

He’s also now said he’ll only see me once a month if she’s here, and anything we had planned (like a week away) won’t happen if she doesn’t go to her dad’s.

I think if I’m honest the other issue is how dependent I’ve become on him. We talk throughout the day and most nights he’s on the phone while I fall asleep, and I really struggle to sleep properly without that now.

I do feel like things are a lot clearer than when I first posted, but I’m still finding it very difficult to actually step away, even though I know what most of the advice will probably be.

I suppose I’m just wondering if anyone has been in something similar and how they actually managed to walk away from it when they knew it wasn’t right

I say this kindly but you and this utterly awful man are the issue and not your daughter. Saying that your daughter is the biggest issue feels so wrong.
Walking away from a man who treats your daughter like an inconvenience and say she is annoying should be quite easy. Because if anyone said anything like that about my children they would be out of my life so quickly they would get whiplash.
Get some help if you need to work on your self respect but please don’t bring this man around your daughter. When I started dating, after my divorce, I looked for someone who will not only respect me but my children too as we come as a unit. I hope you find the strength to leave not just for yourself but for your daughter too

@Definetelynotanathletethank for taking the time to reply. I definitely did not mean she was the problem, I should have worried it better, I meant the problem is that she wouldn’t be attending her dads and he’s bothered by that. So in other words it’s his problem. I would never call her that. I am furious with his behaviour (and words) and although my daughter hasn’t noticed it now - as far as I know, he has made comments in the past that she probably remembers. I need to leave him I know. I want too. I will. I have been attached for 5 years and half years through multiple miscarriages and many many other situations he’s supported me through that at this point I can’t even fall asleep without him ‘talking me to sleep’ we even set allotted time for it which sounds pathetic. It is pathetic. I just wondered if anyone had direct experience and the steps they took to make it easier.

Believe me when I say that your daughter definitely picked up on his behaviour towards her and she will remember.
The advice I would offer is to tell him you are done with him, then block him and then delete his number so you can’t contact him. But we both know that you won’t do it.
And again kindly, yes you are pathetic to focus so much of your energy on the person who doesn’t deserve it. You really need a professional help to learn how to respect and value yourself.
You already have a person who loves you unconditionally and relies on you. And that’s your daughter. Focus on her and bring all of your energy to that relationship instead.

I have told him I am done, this evening. It is pathetic you’re right. I have deleted his number and pictures and pretty much anything to do with him, which was hard, but this next part is harder. She comes first, she always has, I am trying my best and I am in counselling since losing my son last year and it’s been helping, but it made things ‘worse’ with him when I lost my baby as in more dependant which is why it’s taken so long. Thank you for replying again.

You said in your previous post that you need to let that relationship go so you can focus on your daughter and yourself. So now, do exactly that. Focus on getting better and get a professional help to learn how to respect and value yourself. I know miscarriage is painful and you said you are getting some counselling for that so lean on your counsellor for help not your ex. Sort out some contraception because getting pregnant three times with a person who doesn’t want you or your child is the last thing you should do. If you do want another child in the future that’s fine but not with this man and definitely not until you are mentally in the better place. Your daughter needs you and I don’t care if the bloody sun shines out of this man’s arse, don’t ever let him be around her so he can destroy her self esteem too

@Definetelynotanathletethank you again. Ive woken up this morning furious. Like why did I actually let him chat to me like this and for so long. I know it’s more dependent/ toxic attachment than it is love and shows now. I feel stupidly heartbroken but relieved. It’s like he alters my brain chemistry. I become a different person when speaking to him. Anyway he’s out of my life now and will remain that way. Thank you for taking time to be kind but also reality check me.