Long-distance partner lied about his age twice, how to rebuild trust?

[ironyoftheworld]

I’ve been in a long‑distance relationship for over a year. We met online and became very close emotionally. He has a child with his ex, so his life is more complicated than mine, but we’ve always talked about a future together.
The problem is that he has lied about his age twice.
At first he told me he was born in 1997. Later I found out that wasn’t true, and he said he was actually born in 1994. He said he lied because he thought his real age would scare me and that he didn’t want to lose me. When I asked him why he wasn’t honest from the beginning, he said things like “what does this change?” and that he can’t share 100% with me because I’m someone he met online and he’s scared of being vulnerable or giving too much information in case things go wrong one day. He also said he’s afraid of losing his daughter if his ex finds out about our relationship.
I understand he has reasons to be cautious, but it still hurt me. I love him, and I’m not asking for every detail of his past — just honesty about basic things. Now I’m worried about what else he might be hiding, and I don’t know if I’m being naïve or if this is something couples can work through. I don’t want to fight with him, and he hates conflict too, but I also don’t want to pretend I’m fine when I’m not. I just want stability and honesty.
My questions:

1. Is lying about age (twice) a red flag, or something people do out of fear?
2. Is it normal for someone with a complicated past to be overly cautious about sharing personal details?
3. How do you rebuild trust after something like this?
4. Am I expecting too much by wanting honesty about basic things?
5. How do I communicate my feelings without it turning into a fight

But how does being cautious make you hide only 3 years of his age?? It makes no sense. Once I knew someone could lie about something so trivial, I’d be forever on my guard and not be able to trust anything they said again.

I will answer your questions op:

1. Is lying about age (twice) a red flag, or something people do out of fear? Yes it’s a red flag. And it Means they have something to hide
2. Is it normal for someone with a complicated past to be overly cautious about sharing personal details? No. It’s not normal. At least not about something as seemingly innocuous as your age.
3. How do you rebuild trust after something like this? You can’t.
4. Am I expecting too much by wanting honesty about basic things? No. You are expecting too little.
5. How do I communicate my feelings without it turning into a fight. You’ve already communicated your feelings. He didn’t care because he lied again.

let me guess op, you’re much younger than him and now The gap is uncomfortably big?

Dont move for this relationship you'll only be more invested in making it work

This is not the way you described it in the OP.

I skim read your OP

I did read the bit where you say 'we are close emotionally'

No you are not. This is not a relationship, sorry to say

Its a fantasy

End it now and move on and meet someone in real life.

You’ll save yourself a lot of future heartache if you get out now OP. Trust your instincts.

When I asked him why he wasn’t honest from the beginning, he said things like “what does this change?”

Well, it means he's untrustworthy for a start.

You're asking how to rebuild trust with someone you know has lied about something as insignificant as his age.

As other have said, it's fairly normal to change slight details when first chatting to someone online to anonymise yourself (eg change your age by a year, not give your exact location, etc) but you'd expect to clarify those by the time you were actually dating them.

I wouldn't consider any of that to be a breach of trust.

So, if someone has lied to the point of you needing to rebuild trust in a LDR after a year, I wouldn't bother.

I don't know much about LDR but I'd assume that they require complete trust to work. I certainly wouldn't be thinking of relocating to be with someome I didn't trust.

Rebuilding trust only really works in long term relationships where people have an extensive, positive and supportive history to call on from which to rebuild and, even then, it's difficult and there are no guarantees. Otherwise, it really just amounts to asking, "How can I ignore the response of nervous system that is designed to protect me and push these feelings down so that I can remain in this relationship?"

You have no idea what else he has lied, or will lie, about.

I also wondered if he wants to be untraceable.

He’s married! Dump him

The problem is, HE should be the one asking the question about how HE can rebuild your trust.

But it's you running round trying to fix things on your own and trying to work out how you can accept his lies and bizarre behaviour.

1. Am I expecting too much by wanting honesty about basic things?
2. How do I communicate my feelings without it turning into a fight

Don't you see how fucked up it is that you're even asking these particular two questions?

He’s lied about his age because it’s potentially identifying?

have you googled him?

have you met any of his friends or
family?

do some due diligence

There are so many red flags here it’s unreal, and his excuses don’t even make sense

So he’s actually 29 but pretended to be 26

why? Why would three small years
scsre somebody?

OP, how old are you?

Sorry OP, I agree with this. I’ve experienced this too. He’s a liar. You are scared to speak openly to him about issues you are unhappy about. Both of these are massive red flags. NEVER continue a relationship with someone you can’t constructively work through disagreements with. This is the number 1 sign of a relationship that will fail.

Ok. Any more drip feeds to come?

How old are you @ironyoftheworld?

As a pp has already said, if he lied about his age to be more acceptable to a 18/19 year old then it’s a big red flag.

Did you first meet online or in rl? If you met online, I wouldn’t be too bothered about the age thing because I think it is quite wise to be cautious about revealing personal information such as dates of birth etc.

The big red flag here is the situation with his child and his ex.

100% - in my experience when they lie about the smell things they also lie about the bigger things.

Cant trust a word that comes out of a liars mouth

sorry OP but he sounds like a complete weirdo and you sound very naive and would be foolish to continue this. This will not be the only thing he is lying about.

And I agree with this.

Honesty about basic things should be a minimum expectation not a want. If someone can't give you that, do not try to build a life with them.

If your expectation is already that communicating your feelings will cause a fight with someone, do not try to build a life with them.

And certainly do not uproot your life to move closer to them.

Do you have a trusted friend or close family member you can talk this through with? Someone who genuinely cares about you and not just someone who will say what you want to hear?

How old are you?

you are not in a relationship, you have a pen pal

You don’t. He’s a liar and will lie about other things. You must be very young if someone who is 31 scares you due to their ancient ways.

Hes not afraid of losing his daughter that’s what court is for. Unless you’re a child of course. And you don’t love him… you don’t know this man! Break up, he’s manipulating you with all his sorry sad man tales.

No he’s 31/32 pretending to be 28/29. To say he’s in his 20s not his 30s. I’ll bet OP is about 19.

The bottom line is, he’s a liar.

Lying becomes habitual, and if he can lie about something as stupid as his age, he will be able lie about anything.

In the end you’ll be second guessing yourself about everything he says to you.

For example, why do you REALLY think he’s worried about his child’s mother finding out about you??

OP says you met online, your next post all in text talk which is fairly annoying, says you met him in real life. Which is it? And why when you saw each other all the time is it now long distance?

Yep. There’s a lot of contradictory information between the Op and the updates so it’s difficult to know the real story other than he’s a liar