Can a friendship recover after I withdrew during tough early baby months?

[Cupofteandtoast]

I had a baby last year, and for various reasons I found it quite tough going especially with sleep etc. As a result I found it quite hard to maintain my friendship with my best friend as I was so exhausted and just found it so much easier to be around my antenatal friends instead.

Initially my BF was really supportive, and would text me all the time & tried to arrange weekly meet ups but I’ll be honest I found it too much and even replying felt like another chore on my never ending list & I found myself not replying, often for weeks at a time which I know was really rude & meet ups became few & far between especially as when we did arrange something it always seemed like my baby was ill so I had to cancel.

Anyway, I’m nearing the end of my mat leave now and baby is in a good routine etc but I’ve just sort of realised that me and my BF are really not that close anymore. We used to text every day but now it’s only to arrange a meet up & she doesn’t really suggest anything or seem overly keen. I can also see from instagram that she’s become a lot closer with another group of women which I do get & tbf ive got a new group of mum friends too but I just feel so sad about it.

Has anyone been in this situation and managed to recover their friendship back to how it was ?

If you apologise properly and if it's a heartfelt apology, you might get a different response

Don't do it by message!

I totally understand where you were at. And I was the friend in this scenario. My best friend (and other friends) had their kids ten years before me. They moved to the suburbs or further. They were in new baby land. They had new mummy friends. Our lives were different.
I saw my best friend occasionally. And her baby. Then she had more babies. I moved into other circles & enjoyed a great lifestyle unlike that of my settled-down friends. Eventually, as her kids got older, we saw more of each other, but could go months without contact.
Crucially, we love each other. And have always come back to each other. So, it depends on the strength of your friendship. We’ve been through other hurts, fall-outs in our younger years. But with babies, I totally understood that it’s a life-phase, not her ghosting me.

I’m child free and this has happened to me three times now. Throughout the pregnancies I’ve given my friends lifts to the hospital for appointments, arranged baby showers and made a fuss of them etc. only to be dropped for new ‘mum friends’. It fucking hurts. Whenever a friend announces they’re pregnant now I take a bit of a step back and assume I’ll be ghosted in 9 months time.

It’s easy to spot the posters who haven’t had clingy / velcro / non-sleeping / always ill babies.

@2088cm that’s a presumptive, you can have a baby and still not ghost your best friend, she had time for other mums but not her bf.

Ha, 3 of them. Never have I had more time sat with a grouchy baby who has finally fallen asleep on me, or bouncing around with a baby in the sling, or walking the streets with a pushchair, or driven every single back road to induce a nap. For all of which it was perfectly feasible to reply to a message.

Nonsense! DC1 was clingy, didn't sleep and was always ill as a baby . Turned out that was all linked to his heart condition which was diagnosed when he was around two and which he had surgery for the day after his second birthday, when DC2 was just weeks old. That was a very stressful time and we were all shattered. I still managed to keep in touch with my best friend.

I've been the friend that mum-friends want to pick back up after they kicked me to the kerb in new motherhood.

I'm not keen and much less bothered. Damage is done and I wont forget it.

Sorry you’ve been a crap friend and she has moved onto a group who value her.

Whether she's right or wrong, she probably feels like you basically told her to do one, and now she's inevitably, and understandably, got new mates that have time for her unlike you..

You were going through a major life change, and you were struggling with it. Just explain this to your friend. It probably won't be the same as before straightaway but I'm sure you could both move past this

I agree with PP, the only hope here is a sincere apology where you fully acknowledge your role in this. It sounds like she's lost faith in you and doesn't want to risk hoping that you'll come back if that makes sense.

You haven’t actually said you’ve apologised though have you you just mentioned how you’ve been a bit shit. Go and talk to her properly. Stop “suggesting meet up” be proactive.

“hi friend. What dates are you free this week/month for a catch up. Happy to come to you or meet a place you want whatever’s easiest. Let me know what works.”

stop being open ended. If you want your friend you are going to have to make a smidge of effort.

the issue isn’t you just ghosting it or having a bad time. It’s the clear that you could make effort just not with her. I’m sure she would’ve been happy to just come and chat or hold the baby while you slept.

I agree.

My best friend did this to me, it was very hurtful. I waited and waited and in the end after 2 years of getting virtually nothing back, I reluctantly moved on. I have kids myself so its not like I havent been in that place myself but I still managed to send a 30 second reply back to the people I care about.

Much like you OP, after 2 years she then decided she had lost her close friends and tried to start the friendship up again. Unfortunately, I had moved on by then and had made a different set of friends. I had got so used to her not being in my life any more that there just wasnt enough space and I felt weirdly emotionally numb towards her as during that time I had gone through a lot and she simply hadn't been there (despite me being there for her many times).

We are no longer close and thats been largely led by me. After 2 years of very little contact I just dont feel motivated to reciprocate any more and Ive prioritised my newer friends as they have been there for me. I am sure she's sad about it but I cant help the way I feel.

Nope. My first baby was exactly like this. It takes 30 seconds to send a text- I managed it. Everyone has 30 seconds- no baby is awake solidly for 24 hours a day 😂

If anything I was probably replying to messages faster during those nap trapped days. Didn't have anything better to do.

I can't say I did the same as you when I had children, I guess you chose to become more friendly with the other group of friends, it wasn't that you couldn't reply to your friend or leave the house to meet her, you chose to meet and prioritise the other group instead. I don't understand how anyone doesn't have time to reply to messages on mat leave, you are literally sat there breastfeeding for hours on end bored, I had an abundance of time to message people compared to working full-time.

I'd be really annoyed if my close friend did this, your friend has obviously moved into a new circle now as she's got bored of it taking weeks for you to reply. I imagine you have now realised you don't have much in common with baby friends other than having a baby the same age. If you are really old friends (which makes this worse for me) maybe she will come back, or maybe she will have decided it isn't worth the 1 sided friendship?

I don't understand how anyone doesn't have time to reply to messages on mat leave, you are literally sat there breastfeeding for hours on end bored, I had an abundance of time to message people compared to working full-time.

Nor me, even with a clingy baby, I had hours and hours of time to message people and was bored out of my mind at times.

I also agree with previous posters- this isnt like you didnt have the energy or were severely depressed-you literally chose to spend that time with other people and to purposefully ignore your close friend. I would be so hurt if I was her and frankly, I dont blame her for moving on- you haven't even properly apologised to her.

You've treated her like shit so not really sure what you expected would happen 🤷‍♀️

On the face of it you blanked her and still had time for other new friends that suited you better. I doubt very much she considers herself your 'best' friend anymore.

I would struggle to get past the hurt if I was her and I would very much see you as an arms length friend not a close friend goingforward. A genuine apology and a lot of effort on your part might go some way to helping but I suspect (hope) she has found new friends now.

I had gone through a lot and she simply hadn't been there (despite me being there for her many times

This is exactly the point people choose to miss when they duck out of friendships for extended periods then expect to be met with grateful open arms when they want back in. Everyone’s got stuff going on, good and bad, and when one of the people goes off doing their own thing spending time with shiny new friends instead they should acknowledge the friendship is over or at least very damaged and it can’t be brushed over.

I’m sorry about your experience and glad you have better people you’re close to.

Agree, I'm always very cynical when I read responses that claim this is something that you can get away with and that "real friends" will understand and welcome you back like nothing has happened. In reality you're taking a risk and that should be acknowledged.

Yes. Also the "real friends understand" thing just seems to be something people trot out to excuse their selfish, shitty behaviour.

If someone was a genuine "real friend" you wouldnt treat them so poorly in the first place that they have to try to "understand" why your actions have been so hurtful!

I think at this point I'd make a grand gesture of some sort tbh OP. A gift that shows how well you know her and a card to say sorry I've been rubbish I hope you can forgive me and hand deliver it. If that doesn't improve anything then i think you'll have to accept that she's moved on and there's no point flogging a dead horse.

You spent the time you could with other friends while blowing her off and she's found other friends.

No, your friendship likely won't recover and be what it was. You treated her poorly and basically ghosted her when she tried to be supportive. Now you are almost done with maternity leave and want to be her friend again but she's done. You can't just drop friends and pick them up again when you choose.

Yes, this. I managed to text and even call friends when I was on mar leave - both times. It’s not difficult even with a Velcro baby. People only stay around waiting for scraps for a little while before deciding you aren’t worth the bother anymore. It is really shit advice on here sometimes to say that to new mums - that old friends can ge treated like that. Friendships are a relationship like other relationships and need nurturing by both parties even if it is just a text conversation whilst feeding. I do wonder how many new mums think it’s ok to abandon old friends for their mummy friends only to find that the mummy friends aren’t real at all and they’ve ruined the proper friendships they had 💁🏻