Can a friendship recover after I withdrew during tough early baby months?

[Cupofteandtoast]

I had a baby last year, and for various reasons I found it quite tough going especially with sleep etc. As a result I found it quite hard to maintain my friendship with my best friend as I was so exhausted and just found it so much easier to be around my antenatal friends instead.

Initially my BF was really supportive, and would text me all the time & tried to arrange weekly meet ups but I’ll be honest I found it too much and even replying felt like another chore on my never ending list & I found myself not replying, often for weeks at a time which I know was really rude & meet ups became few & far between especially as when we did arrange something it always seemed like my baby was ill so I had to cancel.

Anyway, I’m nearing the end of my mat leave now and baby is in a good routine etc but I’ve just sort of realised that me and my BF are really not that close anymore. We used to text every day but now it’s only to arrange a meet up & she doesn’t really suggest anything or seem overly keen. I can also see from instagram that she’s become a lot closer with another group of women which I do get & tbf ive got a new group of mum friends too but I just feel so sad about it.

Has anyone been in this situation and managed to recover their friendship back to how it was ?

You need to explain and apologise.

Have you said sorry? I think given that you did meet up with other friends, you’ve basically told her she wasn’t important enough to you to try. That’s quite hard to come back from imo. I’m not trying to be harsh, but I think that’s how it’s going to be viewed. I think if I was you I would apologise with some kind of personal gesture to affirm it and hope for the best. I wouldn’t be that surprised if she kept you at arms length now though, sorry.

Sorry but no, you basically soft ghosted her in favour of your new mum friends. That sort of betrayal isn't one that a friendship recovers from

I did say to her I’d been a rubbish friend but she didn’t really say anything in response to it and then the conversation moved on

Has your friend got kids? I assume not. There's no harm in sending her a nice note saying something along the lines the lines of ' so glad to be back to work, Mat leave was tough. Just to say I'm really sorry for going quiet this last year...' but really its completely understandable why you wouldn't be around much after your first child. Id have thought most friendships would survive this. Nothing prepares you for motherhood and it's not very compatible with a social life.

I know it does look that way but it wasn’t intentional - I did all the same baby classes as my antenatal mums so we just naturally spent more time together and were going through the same thing at the same time

I think you could be forgiven for struggling with keeping up with your friendship, feeling like you've outgrown it or don't want that kind of close friendship any more but to me, it seems like you made a clear choice, and chose your mum friends instead. Even though I'd normally sympathise with someone like you, it just comes across like you got quite excited with your new social group and she didn't seem so much like a shiny penny any more, in comparison to them.

I found myself not replying, often for weeks at a time which I know was really rude

You didn't 'find' yourself not replying, ffs 🙄That is such passive language which shows you don't really want to take responsibility and want paint this is a nicer light. You chose not to reply. Own it.

And it wasn't just rude. It was unethical and insensitive. You prioritised your own reluctance to communicate or uncomfortable feelings regarding that above any sense of loss or painful confusion she most likely experienced during that time. It must have been humiliating for her to suddenly find herself friend-dumped like that.

For a so-called best friend, you treated her badly. Don't be surprised if she doesn't want to be treated like a doormat again.

Sorry OP, this is on you and its really sad you have done that to your best friend. I’ve had a baby…they sleep for hours, partners can hold them etc etc saying you don’t have a single minute to txt, particularly for weeks at a time, is just rubbish. You have basically ghosted her for your new mum friends.

That kind of makes it worse as it's almost as if you were saying that she wasn't good enough because she doesn't have any dc.
I get that you didn't mean to come across that way but its how it likely did. You can't ignore someone's texts for weeks and still meet up with other friends and then think that saying sorry will make everything better. She now knows how little you respect her and swanning back into her life now your mat leave is up so you won't get to spend as much time with your mum friends is insult to injury

I think it absolutely can recover. The first year with your first baby is difficult, and your world changes. I think you should apologise again and pick up the effort.

It would be one thing if you didn't see anyone and ignored everyone but thats not the case. You met and interacted with your new friends (bet you wouldn't have not replied to them for weeks) but ignored your best friend who was very supportive. That would have hurt, a lot. I don't know , people give new mums a lot of passes but this would be hard to swallow. I think most things are recoverable but this is going to take a lot of time and effort on your part. Problem is she has probably filled the slot and time that was usually reserved for you .. which won't be easy getting back in I suspect

Depends how long you’ve been friends, I think with real good friends these things can be sorted out

I think you’re very fortunate she’s maintained the friendship at all.

Agree. The friend needs to understand that life changes massively with a baby and meeting up once a week is much too intense.

ask her to meet up soon. Ideally without baby and make sure to ask how she is doing and catch up on the non baby world.

I was in the place of your friend in this scenario. Someone I was close friends with had a baby and I basically didn’t see her for a year. By then she had her new mummy friends all established and there wasn’t much room for me. It was a really sad, painful time. If she had told me she was struggling I might have understood a bit better.

My friend does have children, I know a few people have assumed she doesn’t.

i know I’ve not been a good friend.

Yes I’ve been trying to suggest more meet ups but she doesn’t seem as keen these days. But I will keep trying.

How on earth did you ‘find yourself’ not replying for weeks at a time? Presumably you were still using a phone, arranging these antenatal classes etc?

I don’t buy this at all, you’re feeling jealous cause she’s moved on. By all means apologise again, properly, but I would fully expect to be kept at arms’ length and not fully embraced/trusted again.

Friendships evolve over the years and sometimes other bits of life - whether work, family or relationships - get in the way. I’ve had a friend for 20 years who I probably see a couple of times a month. When her husband left her a few years ago, I spoke to her several times a day and saw her at least a couple of times a week. Then it gradually went down to speaking a couple of times a week and seeing each other once a week and then it settled back to a couple of times a month. She started seeing someone back in the autumn and I’m currently not getting a look in. It’s fine. She knows where I am when it all settles down a bit and I also know that, if I were to call her now, at 3am in the morning or during school drop off she would stop whatever she was doing to speak to me and then coming running to me if I needed her. Likewise, now that my DC are teens I am picking up friendships with people who I’ve scarcely seen since the DC started school as life just got in the way. We’ve kept in touch on an ad hoc basis but, with some of them, no more than once or twice a year. But they’re good friends and we’re delighted to be back in touch. I posted about whether to contact one of them on MN a few months ago and was told not to in no uncertain terms. I am so glad that I ignored everyone and reached out as we’ve had some great times together since our initial coffee and are planning a weekend away doing the activity we first met through 25 years ago.

I don't think this friendship can recover without at least a candid conversation about what happened, and a genuine heartfelt apology from you.
Whatever your reasons were, you ghosted your best friend and left her guessing as to why. That was incredibly hurtful and just not okay. And for some reason you felt that this friendship was costing you more energy than it was giving you, which is also something you should be talking about.

I don't think you're a bad person and I'm not judging you, only your behaviour at that time. No wonder she's not keen to reconnect. She has zero guarantees that you won't do this all over again some day.

My best friend and I went through a rough patch as well after I had a baby. She was still partying every weekend and dating and traveling the world and I was dealing with a baby who cried for 8 hours a day. But we at least talked about it and said, even though it hurt, we weren't who we needed at that time. Fast forward 2 years, she meets her now husband. She slows down, settles down, has babies of her own, and we're on the same page again and closer than ever. But I don't think I could forgive her for just disappearing on me. You have some making up to do.

Can you really blame her? You kept cancelling when you arranged to meet her before and didn't bother to reply for weeks. She's moved on.

I'm not surprised she's annoyed. You made the choice to ignore her for weeks at a time and see other friends instead, now she's holding you at arms length and seeing her other friends. You're lucky she's still speaking to you at all - hopefully in time she'll come round , but you owe her a big apology.

IME yes it can recover - but you both have to want it to recover iyswim.
I was the first among my old friends to have a baby - and I had a tough time of it, he was the unputdownable baby!
The friendships have waxed and waned since then - depending on whichever of us was pre-occupied with babies/weddings etc & also geographical distance, because we've all moved around a bit - but we are still strong friends in our 50s because none of us took offence at one of us needing to withdraw a bit for whatever reason.
You should arrange to meet her and just be kind - apologise unreservedly, don't be defensive and explain you just how hard you found your time with a newborn, and maybe how you just didn't realise how much you'd neglected the friendship.

I think you’ve been incredibly self centred and rude, texts were another chore? was hanging out with the other mummies a chore??
Good on your ex bf for getting on with new friends and not waiting on you, having a baby doesn’t need to be your whole personality.

I think you know you didn't handle this well, OP. Most people would be upset at being treated like this by a best friend, it's pretty brutal to ghost someone and drop them for months on end then reappear wanting to meet up again like nothing happened. If I was your bestie I'd have been wondering what on earth I could have said or done to make you freeze me out.

It's normal for maintaining friendships to move down the priority list when you're in the trenches with little ones. But communication can help a lot - letting your friends know you're tired, struggling to keep up with messages, meet ups, etc, letting friends know you do miss them and think about them. It gives context and helps people understand why you aren't as available or might struggle to reply or meet up.

If you value her and genuinely do regret how you handled things, offer her a genuine apology for your behaviour and the hurt it is likely to have caused. Apologise only if you genuinely feel regret and want to make amends, and without attachment to the outcome, not because you now want something from her again. She may not want to continue the friendship, which is a risk you may have to take, but she is likely to appreciate the gesture and it may help her to know it wasn't her fault.

Losing your friend for good would be really sad, but also could be something you may need to go through to grow. The experience, although painful now, may help you have better friendships in future.