Do we?

[SereneGoose]

We've all fallen in love with a house.
Sil, bil me and dh...approaching or in our 60's. v. close relationship with each other and good communication (can argue and make up etc).
We could only afford this place by going in as a foursome...do we try?

No

This is a mad question to put to Mumsnet considering most of us would rather shit in our hands and clap, than get into a living situation like that.

But you obviously all see to think it's doable.

No.

Being able to get along with someone is very different from being able to live with them.

Especially as you get older and health problems etc kick in.

It sounds like a recipe for hell on earth to me.

What would happen if one couples circumstances change ? Care needs , mobility needs , one dies and they get a new partner and wants them to move in , cognitive decline , money problems and something major needs doing etc
In answer , probably not a good idea .

Nope. Getting along is very different to being tied to each other financially and living in each others pockets. Be neighbours.

Have you all holidayed together before in one cottage/villa?

How would the property be split for use - bedrooms each, separate living areas etc.

Are your finances similar

What if one couple splits up
Or someone dies

Dementia/disability in future

There are so many things that could go wrong, you would have to be 100% best friends and so laid back you’re all horizontal

But only you know each other so…?!

Objectively it is completely batshit...but ...it is an absolutely stunning house and big enough (?) to have separate space..as a family we have supported each other through tragic difficulties..bil and dh both survivors...me and Sil ..different but very loving and respectful relationship.

Thank you already these are the questions we absolutely need to ask ourselves.
I so much want this house but not at the cost of ...well everything that matters more.
Yes we have done shared hols cottages etc abroad and here a lot..we all do shared care of our (very much loathed) step mum of dh/bil...we have experience of negotiating with each other...

If you all get on and there's separate space so you can be away from each other, then it could be great.

I like the idea of it, although in practice , who knows.

You'd have to make sure you protect your shares so if it goes pear-shaped, you can all walk away and be OK financially.

I think you'd need to have really clear and very honest discussions about expectations of who does what and how it will work with bills, groceries, chores and repairs & maintenance. I think that means being very realistic about everyone's habits and relative standards.

And a discussion about how to exit the situation in the least damaging way if people are unhappy.

You keep going on about the house.

The novelty will eventually wear off no matter how nice you think it is now and then you'll be left with the reality.

Plus are you all really going to agree on colour schemes and designs etc?

In just thinking of several people I've known who were roommates--they started off as best friends and wound up enemies.

Hard to be on the exact same page for cleanliness, noise, visiting friends and overnight guests who might be raiding the refrigerator and items going missing. Deciding on upgrades and maintenance and repairs. Arguments could ensue over prices spent or being too cheap. Women not being able to hang out in the living room braless, nor men going without shirts, not being able to scratch their rears, etc. being in that total comfort level you have when there are no guests in the house.

Think of how you like having out of town visitors but also breath a sigh of relief when they leave so you can go back to not always being "on." Having your privacy back.

As for me, I'd rather live in a tiny studio with my spouse than share a luxury villa with anybody else at all.

Do you like each other individually? Can you cope with sharing bathrooms and encountering each other’s idiosyncrasies? If so, give it a try

😂

Yep...all very relevant questions.
Three bathrooms and six bedrooms...huge sheds/studio and gardens..the kitchen is probably the most likely point for contention.
Sil and I share taste but ...yes..a big massive question for consideration
Not students...nearing or already retired.
It's interesting ...surely in some ways it makes sense to pool resources ?

It's interesting ...surely in some ways it makes sense to pool resources ?

It's a massive risk and I think you'd all be mad not to give it at least a year of renting together first.

Up to you, only you know if you would all get along enough to make it work. Would be a big no-no for me though!

Big house = lots of upkeep and none of you are getting any younger.
I think it sounds fun and like a film script but there is a lot to consider in the real world.

As PP's have said, what if one of you dies & you are a no longer a foursome? Or if one or more of you needs care?

What about if you don't get along & one couple wants out?

I think if you do consider it you should take careful legal advice to sort out all the potential pitfalls.

My first thought was the kitchen. I love my SIL dearly. My DH and his brother are very close. When we holiday together, we book accommodation next to each other, especially if we are self catering. I love my SIL but I can not share a kitchen with the woman.

The breadcrumbs. The washing up
piled on the drainer for days on end. The cluttered work surfaces. The
only way it would ever work is if it was one big house divided into two separate flats with a shared garden.

One person / couple could just say no I am not paying for repairs Then what ?

Could you put a second kitchen in? So that you have totally separate spaces?

The other alternative is to rent for a year and see how it goes. Then looking to buy.

I don’t even like when my BIL and SIL come for the weekend (and I genuinely like them). I do not want to live with them, even for a night.

Do either of you have children? We had relatives that moved in together, they all had grown up children who would inherit the share of the house that their parents owned. The foursome had been living together for 10+ years when one of husbands died and then their wife the following year. The children wanted their half of the inheritance, the remaining couple could not afford to buy them out.

The remaining couple were forced to sell the home that they had grown to love, which caused a major family fallout. They ended up in a small bungalow full of resentment that they were no longer in their dream home. The children of the deceased couple felt terrible but they were not in a great financial position and couldn't wait for remaining couple to die or decide to move before getting what had been left to them.

Things like this need to be made clear legally before entering any kind of joint purchase. It's easy to not think about things like this when you are all in good health but no matter how great the house is, it will almost certainly turn sour at some point. Why put yourselves in that position?

That's awful. But very helpful. Thank you.

Its a grade 2 listed 17thc house so possibly difficult to get permission...yep its definitely going to need a lot of thinking...
The renting is a good suggestion...