It’s not my job to check on him is it?

[TheMoonAndTheSun]

Am I actually expected to check in on my ex every so often just to make sure he’s still alive?

For context, my ex has had no contact with our children by his own choice. It’s been three years since he last saw them. The only thing he’s done in that time is send a birthday message each year to me to pass on to them. However, my son’s birthday was a couple of weeks and we heard nothing.

I mentioned it to a few people and was surprised when they suggested I should reach out to him to check he’s okay/alive. That feels odd to me?

Our last interaction wasn’t great, he didn’t reply to my last email, and I’m fairly sure he blocked my number. So to me, it seems far more likely he’s chosen to stop contact altogether, rather than anything serious having happened.

I have no reason to think something’s wrong, and he’s made no effort to stay involved. The children don’t ask about him and don’t want to see him. He clearly isn’t concerned about whether they are okay.

So genuinely is it my responsibility to check on him? Do other parents actually do this? Or am I right to think that would that come across as strange, given the circumstances?

Absolutely not.

Absolutely not! He’s made his bed, he can lie in it. He is not your responsibility and he’s a massive dick for abandoning his children.

Are your CMS payments still coming through? If so, he’s collecting a wage and therefore alive and in a fit enough state to work.

I personally wouldn’t worry any more than that.

Absolutely not for you to get involved with

Forget him.

I don’t get child maintenance he is unemployed

I think I would want to know out of curiosity.

Does he work and do you get cms payments or have they stopped?

Nah. You are free. Just spread your wings and never look back.

Of course he is, fucking waste of space “father”.

He’s not your problem, so no, you don’t have to find out if he’s alive. If he’s not you’ll find out eventually.

If he wanted his kids to care if he was dead, he’d make a meaningful contribution to their life.

Absolutely not. My mother was forever checking on my dad and I always found it very odd. He was similarly unemployed, no child maintenance and hadn't talked to us for years. She still felt compelled to call him at least once a year to make sure he was OK.
When he died, we were informed within hours. Things like that travel fast.

This.

Thanks for the comments, I didn’t think I should but apparently I owe it to the children, who haven’t asked to see him and never mention him.. someone even suggested a welfare check 🤦‍♀️

Tell that "someone " that he hasn't bothered doing a welfare check on his children to see if they are still alive and he's actually related to them.

I bet they won't mention it again.

Definitely not your place. You're doing an amazing job with your kids. One day He will regret not being involved. But for now its not up to you to do anything about him! As for a welfare tell whoever to get to fu**

They said it was because it’s “out of character” however our contact didnt end on good terms the last time we spoke (I called him out of his absence and lack of interest which he didn’t respond to) so it’s not really out of character being a dead beat is normal to him

Do you have any people in common that you could ask to check discretely that he's OK or at least alive. I wouldn't try to contact him directly. His decision to go NC.

“INeedAnotherName · Today 19:50
Tell that "someone " that he hasn't bothered doing a welfare check on his children to see if they are still alive and he's actually related to them.
I bet they won't mention it again.”

This with bells on!

No we don’t have any mutual contacts and we live quite far from each other so I don’t know anyone that knows him.

I hadn't seen my horrible brother for over 30 years, the police still came to tell me he'd died. Don't worry OP, you'll know soon enough if anything has happened to him as you live with his children. x

God no. It's yet another sexist bullshit thing where some people somehow put the responsibility on women to keep chasing men to be fathers to their children, instead of expecting the men to take responsibility.

You can't make a man be interested in his children.

People who make these suggestions are usually also.people who have never experienced the reality of a complete deadbeat man. They cant comprehend that a father would ignore a child's birthday and so are convinced he must be ill or dead.

Whereas sadly, for those who have experience with these men ... we know its just another Tuesday for them.

yeah I think that makes a lot of sense, they can’t accept that theres just some deadbeats out there that don’t care about their kids so have to make up a reason thats stopping them getting into contact, truth Is I suspect he may just have a new partner or possibly another child on the way if he hasn’t had one already

He should still be paying child maintenance, albeit minimal.

@TheMoonAndTheSun he should still be paying CMS. My sons dad does. It's only a few quid but he's still responsible for his sons

Im not bothered about claiming a couple of quid from his benefits tbh. Not worth it.