It’s not my job to check on him is it?

[TheMoonAndTheSun]

Am I actually expected to check in on my ex every so often just to make sure he’s still alive?

For context, my ex has had no contact with our children by his own choice. It’s been three years since he last saw them. The only thing he’s done in that time is send a birthday message each year to me to pass on to them. However, my son’s birthday was a couple of weeks and we heard nothing.

I mentioned it to a few people and was surprised when they suggested I should reach out to him to check he’s okay/alive. That feels odd to me?

Our last interaction wasn’t great, he didn’t reply to my last email, and I’m fairly sure he blocked my number. So to me, it seems far more likely he’s chosen to stop contact altogether, rather than anything serious having happened.

I have no reason to think something’s wrong, and he’s made no effort to stay involved. The children don’t ask about him and don’t want to see him. He clearly isn’t concerned about whether they are okay.

So genuinely is it my responsibility to check on him? Do other parents actually do this? Or am I right to think that would that come across as strange, given the circumstances?

My dad didn't wish me a happy birthday. Turns out he was dead. It isn't your responsibility OP, don't put that weight on your shoulders. But you could check in, for your child. It doesn't hurt anyone. But no, it isn't down to you.

Pursuing it now would be one way to "check" he isn't dead. Let all those who think it's your responsibility know that in future you will know he has died because the measly pittance CMS would stop.

I don’t think its your job

but on the otherhand, whilst he has been a shitty parent, he is still the children’s dad. If something has happened or not wouldn’t you rather be able to tell your children you did what you could to contact him/keep him in their life.

just thinking from a perspective of potential resentment from the children towards you in the future should something had happened to him.

on a personal you level its absolutely bot uout job

They don’t resent me they know I tried a lot over the years but I’m done now.

No. Simple as

I think thats fine then. Not sure on age of children but they sound old enough to know.

As long as thats the case I would leave it, you aren’t responsible for his actions or lack of in this case and the children sound better off

They are teens sorry I should have said we split up nearly 10 years ago it’s just the last 3 years it’s been no contact before that he was in and out so they know what he is like, in 10 years he never took them anywhere, never had them overnight, extremely inconsistent, no set times as he refused to stick to anything, making plans to see them then cancelling last minute or just not showing up, including on birthdays.

even being unemployed he should be paying min £5 a month CMS. Get a direct debit sorted. How do you know he is unemployed if no contact?

He's no longer your problem. If other people are so concerned they can check on him.

No. And given how little he cares for the children it's better for them that there's no contact between you at all. Having a positive relationship with both parents after divorce is very much what is best for children so if he wanted to be in their lives you would need to be in regular contact with him. However this less-than-half-arsed semi-contact of sending them a birthday message and nothing else is not good for them - it only tells them how unimportant they are to him. Better to protect them from that and have no.contact at all.

The only reason to maintain any awareness of him is that if he dies your children should be entitled to a claim on his estate. Is there any mutual acquaintance who could reliably ket you know if he drops dead? Probably unlikely obviously as he's presumably young and healthy but aside from that you have no need to know how he is.

You should spend some time on these boards reading about men like this. Your intentions are good but its clear you have no idea what its like.

The "you did what you could to keep him in their lives" is ridiculous. It's not up to a mother to cajole and beg her children's dad to stay. And personally, I thibk this attitude (which is hugely prevalent and internalised by a lot of women in these sotuations) is hugely harmful. It makes the woman feel responsible for the man being shit and, because often it sort of works for a while, it drags the time it takes for him to actually disappear out. But he always does disappear eventually or, if he is sort of vaguely in their lives, he mostly makes it worse.

the last time we spoke he hadn’t worked in about 7 years, (we split up 10 years ago) i assume it’s still the same and i’m not bothered to claim a couple of quid from him i doubt he’s got a job since

Can we please normalise not doing the hard work that a shitty dad doesnt want to do? He's clearly not interested, chasing him up is time consuming and he ignores her, there is no point putting the onus on OP's doorstep to try and maintain contact with someone who is clearly a waste of space.

All that does, is create extra work and the inevitable disappointment for the children.

Children: “Mum, why isn’t Dad in our life?”

Mother: “I’m not stopping him.”

Getting the CMS involved stops you thinking about contact. Not the money aspect of it. Give then his address and leave them to it

I don’t want to involve child maintenance tbh, don’t particularly want anything from him, I had a case opened and I closed it because it was an insult, not sure I want the constant reminder of how little he gets away with

Whoever these people are that are telling you this are ignorant.

He is absolutely not your problem, you do not need to check on him. Checking on him does nothing for the kids. From his behaviour, he isn't a father - just a sperm donor. This doesn't warrant any acknowledgement or check ups. He is very irrelevant to your lives.

Thank you, you are right he is nothing more than a sperm donor, he also did not acknowledge Christmas.

Fuck no, he sounds like a waste of space

He makes no effort with his kids, he made no effort with you.
You have moved on, he is not your responsibility.
People's stupid ideas assuming exs are just another child we have to look in on.
He isn't your problem, so no. So no do not check in and do not have any guilt feelings, he is grown man who can take care of himself.

No. He's not part of your or your children's lives anymore. I wouldn't waste any time trying to locate him.

First Rule of Misogyny: women are responsible for what men do.

If he doesn't even want to say "happy birthday" to his own kids, that's his fault, not OP's.

Absolutely not. He's not yoyr responsibility.

Who said you "owe it to the children"?
Who suggested "a welfare check"?
I mean if they genuinely think a welfare check is appropriate they are free to request one.

No don't bother, I assume he has family of his own, if something has happened I am sure you'll find out one way or another