Please tell me what the impact of marriage counselling was for you

[Squarehairbear]

I've come to the slow realisation that I don't think I can live with things the way they are with DH. Nothing dramatic, no other parties involved but he has, over our 20 years of marriage, done a lot of things I've found very hurtful. He can be very cold and detached, and very rigid in his thinking. I think all of this could be overcome but he doesn't seem willing to reflect on his behaviour. He was very unsupportive in the early years of our having DC but will always deny this (despite hard evidence) and attempts to address it get shut down or I'm told I'm 'angry' or 'getting at him'. He has travelled a huge amount for work over the years so I spent a lot of time on my own with the DC but I've noticed that he's started minimising that and implying that I'm exaggerating things. Over the years, I've talked myself down about it and balanced out my negative thoughts about the relationship by telling myself all the really good things he does - and there are many, I really do recognise the good things about him. I'm also very aware that I'm obviously as flawed as the next person (or more so!) and there will be things I've done and do that have, if not hurt him, then irritated him and got him down. But things have come to a head (in my mind at least) since Mother's Day - both DC forgot and he knew it was mother's day (sent his own mum flowers etc) but decided it 'wasn't his job' to remind the DC. So no-one so much as wished me Happy Mother's Day - until DD realised late in the day and was gutted, made me a card the next day etc. Anyway, the point was not mother's day itself but the fact that he knew how hurt I would be but did nothing and, although it's a minor issue, it's made me realise things are a bit broken between us. I don't think he recognises this.

Our youngest DC will likely be leaving home in the next couple of years and I fantasise a lot about moving into a flat on my own somewhere. I don't look forward to spending time with him the way I used to and I'm losing hope that anything will change.

But, we have a life together, children, animals, a house, we both come from big families that are very intertwined now, and I keep thinking of all the things that separation would mess up. I also keep imagining what would happen if one of us got sick - and how important it would be to be there for each other. The whole thing feels totally intractable.

I recently confided in a friend who thinks I should broach the subject of marriage counselling with DH. I've started googling and found someone who might be suitable. But my heart does sink at the thought of how gruelling it would be, and I don't have much hope of the dynamics between us changing. Please can you tell me if you've tried it and how it was/what, if anything, it changed?

thank you

Hi all, I've been off mumsnet for a few days. Tricky few days, unrelated to all this but it does always lurk in the background. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I have read and considered all of your messages (many of them multiple times) and am letting them all percolate.

@Whyarepeople it's an interesting point about the battle analogy, I hadn't noticed that but can see it now. Appreciate you taking time to read the whole thread and respond.

Still no response from DH to my email about counselling. I just can't seem to muster up the energy to raise it again so I'm thinking now that I should just start the individual counselling without talking it through at all and see where that take me.

To be able to create a better relationship and "fall back in love", both parties should:

1. WANT to change.
2. Be CAPABLE of change.

Here, the H has shrugged off multiple suggestions of marriage counselling over the years, uses the silent treatment to keep OP in line (= red flag), "needs to control things" (= big red flag), repeatedly reminds OP of old grievances she had and resolved with others (= attempts to isolate OP from others = red flag), has an argumentative, confrontational, and combative personality that has also created problems with other relationships, tells OP how she should be/react (toxic positivity eg she should be happy with her life = directive arrogant attitude = red flag), thinks he's always right and thinks everything should be done the way he thinks they should be done (= insufferable).

He sounds like a hubristic bully, frankly.

Such a man is very unlikely go to marriage counseling. Even if he did, he'd have to be dragged. I doubt that this man is "dragable", and in any case, (a) it's absolutely pointless to drag someone to marriage counselling, and (b) this man lacks the humility to learn anything from a counsellor.

He doesn't WANT to change, because he thinks he's perfect the way he is and that OP is the problem (a lie that she has bought hook line and sinker). And I doubt that he is CAPABLE of change: he'd have to change his personality, which has at its core a highly aggressive defensiveness and perhaps toxic masculinity that will be very difficult for him to reflect on, let alone understand and modulate.

OP really has two choices here: accept who he is and how he behaves (with the distinct possibility that it could get worse as he ages), or leave.

OP, individual counselling will help you in your decision-making.