Questioning sexuality later in life

[Lemonthyme]

I'm in a relationship with my partner (male) who I've been with for about 12 years. It was a slow burn so I can never really pin down the date it started.

Like any long relationship, we have our ups and downs but we're still physical and I love him more than I have anyone else.

But as I get older, and this is kind of weird to admit. I'm not entirely sure I'm straight. I have always been attracted to women as well but grew up in a strict and homophobic household. My Dad is terminally ill and I'm not sure whether that's why it's in my head now. But I suppose I feel disappointed in myself I didn't realise all this consciously when I was younger.

I remember looking at a poster advertising the LGBT club at my uni (no more letters in those days) and for a second thinking about it then buying "Diva" magazine (lol) a few times... But this was the 90s when women were taking half their clothes of and appearing on the front of "Loaded" claiming they were Bi and it all seemed like it was just to attract men. And that just made me think I didn't want to be that kind of person or for people to think that's what I was doing.

It's so funny. I accidentally seek out content on Netflix that it suggests "here is other LGBTQI content you may like..."

Oh I don't know why I'm sharing this. It's not like I'm going to act on it.

Never given myself a label
Maybe because I worked in the adult industry for a good few years and met all sorts of good people that wished to act on their sexuality
My advice be kind always and you’ll find a path with side paths you may wish to tread xx

Oh I don't know why I'm sharing this.

It's good for you to express it and understand yourself more.

I'm sorry about your dad.

I guess if he's part of why you repressed that side of yourself (?), it's natural to think more about it. Also reminders of your own mortality make you think more about who you are and how you want to live.

I think sexuality ebbs and flows. I didn't really discover that side of myself until I was 45, after my divorce. I'm now 55 and haven't really acted upon it, although have often thought about it.

I'm currently in a relationship and wouldn't stray. Although recently, I feel my wife is having affair. Something's not right.

I think that's the problem with rigid labels. MN particularly buys into them (a lot of users typical question if a man is gay all the time), but sexuality is more fluid and it's probably more fluid in women than men.

Many years ago, I worked on a lesbian help-line. The group of women we got the most calls from were women, married to men. I fit that category myself once.

After separating from my husband, I had a lesbian partner. After that ended, another heterosexual relationship. So I guess, officially I'm bi. But I don't bother with labels.

I'm sure the letters 'LGBT' were used by some activists in the 90s but I don't think they were properly used until about 2014

I’ve shared bodies with both sexes this year, not at the same time l hasten to add. Some will disagree, but l think sexuality is fluid. It wasn’t a case of questioning it for me, it was a case of discovering and being lead to it in my 30s. It took me by quite by surprise, or rather she did; but looking back it shouldn’t have been a surprise at all.

Well over 10 years later l regard myself as “sexual”. No prefix required.

Edited to make my point clearer.

They were used by the LGBT society.

I have always dated men, was with the children's father for 15 years. I have no interest in men anymore but definitely am attracted to women. Probably always have been but never took it further than the odd snog. If I had to identify as anything now it would be lesbian. You aren't unusual. Take a look at the late blooming lounge on facebook.

I'm going to say this as a straight person. But I see this as i fancy another man, but wont progress this...because I am already in a relationship.
But I don't understand why you'd rock the boat with someone youve been with 12 years and it's working well. The grass was never greener.

I used to question if I was bi, and I definitely was not brave enough to explore it when I was 20. Then on my 40s I did, and I realised I like men more. Which is very frustrating, if I could choose I would be 50/50.

Sexuality is a very interesting and very fluid thing. I'm still trying to figure out how much of it is socially constructed.

I've only ever seen a beautiful woman as competition, unfortunately. I think that's the clear decider if you're in any way confused.

I’m similar age to you. I also remember buying diva magazine in the 90’s - not knowing it was a lesbian magazine…just had interesting articles and not full of the usual women’s magazine crap. But it did make me pause for thought as a younger woman. I think that if I’d been Gen Z , I’d probably be bi. But in the 90’s, it would’ve been very tough to come out as gay. Especially as a woman.

a lot of what you say resonates with me. Looking back I think ive kind of made myself feel attracted to men. I definitely think ive denied the part of me that’s attracted to women.

im with a lovely man now though, and as a pp said, I don’t see fancying a woman as any different from having a crush on another man. I’m not going to act on it because I’m committed to my partner.

but there was a guardian article about mid life lesbians recently. Apparently, it’s a thing. Lots of women having their first same sex relationship in their 40’s. Many say they didn’t feel
attracted To women when younger, others think they buried any feelings…would be interesting to find out!

yes - I remember it in the early 1990s

I've been through similar, 20 years in s heterosexual relationship but raised in a very homophobic Christian home. I was watching Gentleman Jack and at one point she says "God made me this way" about her sexuality and, even though I don't believe in God, it was like I suddenly had permission to be myself. Looking back i can see I've always been that way.

My partner knows. I have no desire to act on it, I'm just glad to have let go of the burden of feeling guilty for being bi (due to Christian indoctrination).

I hope you can unpick those childhood learningsfrom your dad and embrace who you really are.

Op says they were used, she saw them in a poster, I think she just means it wasn't lgbtqia+ or similar in the 90s.

I went into psychosis and lost everythign - it wasnt even a strong feeling but I was an evangelical minister and going to a very very homophobic church

I only realised I was bi around the age of 30 when I became attracted to a female work colleague.

Thankfully I was living in London where the LGBTQ+ community is much more visible and I was very comfortable with the realisation that I wasn't straight.

Like you I had a very homophobic father and I lived in a very small town as a kid and teen where I never met anyone who was openly gay.

I think sexuality can be fluid and that it is not unusual for people to realise later on that they can be attracted to the same gender too.

What?! Where did you get that idea from? What do you mean by properly used?

I know what you mean. Not even always “competition” though. I can STARE at the picture of a stunning woman. Sexualise her body. Obsess over it. In a way that honestly I don’t do with men (I’ve never been into eyeing up men’s bodies or being turned on by looking at a man I don’t know just because he’s got a good body).

And yet - I have absolutely no lesbian desires at all. I’m firmly attracted to masculinity and all my desires are towards men. But I’d spend far longer looking at hot women than hot men 😂 I think part of it is wishing I had their body but it does seem more than that in the way I can sexualise them.

Exactly. It was a widespread term. I suspect there is some anti trans/queer agenda here.

Interesting perspective. I've never seen women that way.

Yes, there was an LGBT society in my university in the late 90s and early 00s. It was a poster from them I was looking at.

As I wrote. "It's not like I'm going to act on it."

Nope, me either.