Questioning sexuality later in life

[Lemonthyme]

I'm in a relationship with my partner (male) who I've been with for about 12 years. It was a slow burn so I can never really pin down the date it started.

Like any long relationship, we have our ups and downs but we're still physical and I love him more than I have anyone else.

But as I get older, and this is kind of weird to admit. I'm not entirely sure I'm straight. I have always been attracted to women as well but grew up in a strict and homophobic household. My Dad is terminally ill and I'm not sure whether that's why it's in my head now. But I suppose I feel disappointed in myself I didn't realise all this consciously when I was younger.

I remember looking at a poster advertising the LGBT club at my uni (no more letters in those days) and for a second thinking about it then buying "Diva" magazine (lol) a few times... But this was the 90s when women were taking half their clothes of and appearing on the front of "Loaded" claiming they were Bi and it all seemed like it was just to attract men. And that just made me think I didn't want to be that kind of person or for people to think that's what I was doing.

It's so funny. I accidentally seek out content on Netflix that it suggests "here is other LGBTQI content you may like..."

Oh I don't know why I'm sharing this. It's not like I'm going to act on it.

I think if you’re bi (as obvs you’re not a lesbian if you chose to marry a man and still have a sex life) it doesn’t have to affect your life in any way. You’re in a relationship with one of the sexes you’re attracted to, you’d in be the same situation if you were straight. I do understand though, that for some people it’s important to identify as their sexuality. If you think it would help you feel more like yourself you could acknowledge it and call yourself bi. I’m a lesbian, but I’ve been lucky as it’s always been very clear to me that I’m attracted to women and only women (despite disastrously dating men in my youth!) I think for a lot of other people though, sexuality can be much more fluid and not necessarily one thing or the other, I think you can be bi-curious without being bi also. Do you think about having sex with women in the context of something you’d want to do (if you were single)? Have you had crushes on women though out your life?

I'm in a similar situation @Lemonthyme though my marriage has slipped quietly into celebacy - and for me as well as growing up in a homophobic family I was in my student years an enthusiastic member of a church that taught that although God loves gay people he requires them to either be celibate or to get over it and marry someone of the opposite sex. (I have long since left that church and do not believe that any more). I remember being strongly attracted to the (female) LGB Rep on the SU committee (no T then) and therefore consciously avoiding her as she was clearly there to tempt me into sin, and I married DH shortly after graduation having never yet had sex. Oh how I wish I had known then what I know now but that is life, we only get one shot and we never get to know what would have happened. I do love my DH and we make a good team and support each other well through the ups and downs of life and we have been through a lot together, but I feel no physical attraction to him. I know that if he were to die while I still have the energy to cultivate new relationships I would be seeking a woman - but I do not wish for his death at all, and I take "till death do us part" seriously.

It’s possibly because society sexualises women’s bodies so much that we become conditioned to do it. I think it’s entirely possible to be straight but to see women’s bodies as entirely sexual

If I were single, yes, I would be interested in sex with a woman. I have had crushes on women throughout my life. I had super intense friendships (one to one) with friends when I was young and I realised later they were more than just friendships in my head.

I've only ever kissed a woman once but she meant it as a joke.

I'm not married but previously was, however, I've been with my male partner over a decade. I've kind of drifted from relationship to relationship. Often without any significant gap and without consciously thinking about it. My childhood was quite abusive. Sometimes it's hard to know what I want or what a good relationship would look like because of all that.

Loads of threads on this and later in life lesbians are definitely a 'thing'.... a mixture of repressed feelings resurfacing, societal expectations or the effects of heteronormativity fading and sexuality being more fluid than we realised.

It seems perimenopause (or when kids finally no longer need as much attention) we suddenly 'wake up' and get a little time to think about our wants instead of everybody else's!

I never understand in these scenarios why people don’t understand this. I get that it is not the acting on it you are looking for, but understanding your feelings within. A bi person can be in a monogamous relationship just as much as a heterosexual person.

Likewise straight people tend not to shag everyone of the opposite sex which they meet.

I were 20 now, instead of in the early 1990s, I think might have given it a try - as so many of my DD's friends seem to these days. Suspect I would have ended up married to a man all the same, but who knows? It's hard for someone younger to understand how much stigma about a "non conventional" sexuality there was back then.

Later life lesbians are definitely a thing.
Don’t forget that Section 28 effectively banned mentioning homosexuality in schools from 1988 until 2003, and many of us were deeply affected by this as well as generally widespread homophobia in society.
I remember feeling very smug and relieved that I could “choose” to be more straight because I definitely wasn’t brave enough to be actually a lesbian despite only really being attracted to women: the moment I realised I wasn’t brave enough is absolutely crystal clear in my memory.
So I did what I thought should make me happy and carried on with men. I did eventually meet (now ex) DH, and we had a 24 year relationship and marriage with wonderful DC keeping me busy. But we were functionally celibate and that was awful, my mental health was appalling and it was all making everybody miserable. I’m not saying you have to leave your partner to be happy, but despite the pain it has caused exDH and consternation to my mildly homophobic DM and DF, everybody is happier several years down the line.

There are lots of women like me around who realise they ended up in the “wrong room” in mid-life, and I’m grateful I had the capacity to be able to get out of it.

My parents, fairly recently, said that if one of their grandchildren turned out to be gay, they would disown them. They talk about gay people in the same breath as abusers. I know. It's horrendous and I've challenged their views many times. I now limit contact with them as much as I can.

Sadly some of those views still persist. And it's hard when it's your family.

That’s awful, I’m so sorry. I came out in my mid 30s and my mother didn’t speak to me for a year. It was horrific and our relationship is still not the same now - but it is in some ways better. She at least no longer says outright homophobic things in front of me, though I don’t know for sure whether she still thinks them or not. She thanked my girlfriend for looking after me during a recent hard time, and that meant a lot.

I was married to a man - for all the reasons - internalised homophobia, strict religious upbringing, absolutely refusing to let myself acknowledge that I wasn’t straight even to myself for fear of - everyone really. I too went to school under section 28. I didn’t know any gay people, I barely saw gay people on tv (apart from dying of AIDS). I was a coward, and I also empathise with my younger self and understand why I was a coward. If I could go back I wouldn’t have married my now ex-DH, though he was lovely. I have lots of regrets and lots of shame about my previous choices and lack (terror) of insight - but none about my actual sexuality.

I hope you find some peace OP.

Hmm… yeah that could be it. I honestly don’t know. It’s hard to know without being in the head of other straight women to know if what I think is normal or not!

That is true. I am old enough to remember the AIDS leaflet and adverts "don't die of ignorance" er... but what is it Mum?

Gay = men only if they were on TV and also had AIDS. I don't remember seeing lesbians at all. Even at uni, I only had one gay friend (male) and one bi friend (also male). Another male friend came out at the end of uni after dating women for years. I just was never around out lesbian or bi women and still rarely am except in work.

My own children are so open about and unfussed about sexuality - mine, theirs, anyone’s, they just don’t care. It gives me hope for the future!

Exactly- there was not one single out gay person in my school or sixth form college. It’s unimaginably different to how things are now, and I’m so glad times have changed.

When a friend gossiped about an experience I’d drunkenly shared with a girl at uni the homophobic mockery was wild so I just ran back in the closet and double locked the doors.

I just was never around out lesbian or bi women and still rarely am except in work.

OP - look out for events like Out and Wild, which is a weekend festival for lesbian/bi/queer women - all ages, but I’d say it definitely leans middle aged +. I went for the first time a few years ago (despite the fact that I am 100% NOT a camper) and being surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of women like me was incredibly emotional. You don’t need to be out, to go, or in a queer relationship, or anything like that. There’s no being ‘gay enough.’ If you’re there, you’re accepted. People go on their own, in couples, with friends - it’s very relaxed. It feels so safe and is such a beautiful atmosphere. You can do activities like meditation/yoga/hiking/literary readings, there’s a disco in the evenings (yes, old school!), it’s super friendly. I remember sitting with this couple in their 70s who were telling me all about how since retirement they’d been doing up their camper van together, and just trying not to cry. 70 year old lesbians - being happy! Doing completely normal things! It felt somehow momentous. They are the people I never knew existed when I was a teenager.

I can how it’d be possible to bury your feelings if you were bi and later life ‘lesbians’ are definitely a thing but if you were truly a lesbian I think it would be very, very hard to bury your feelings until midlife. You’re life would have been extremely miserable and sexually unfulfilled.

possibly.

am not sure if you’re talking about me personally, or the generic ‘you’

I've never thought I was lesbian. ( possibly bi)

I think it’s interesting that I was able to bury that part of my sexuality but if I’d been brought up in a more liberal society I’d probably have been conscious of it.

im not sure someone denying their sexuality is as unusual and ‘impossible’ as you say. Would be easy nowadays to just tell yourself you are asexual. And So many straight people in unhappy marriages, or not in relationships who seem to cope without a sexual relationship.

Yep, extremely very miserable and sexually unfulfilled.

No wasn’t talking about you personally, sorry. Just the general ‘you’!

Sorry wasn’t sure! Thought I’d over explain anyway! 😄

It's not always easy to identify that it is your sexuality that is the issue if you've never even allowed yourself to consider that possibility. Plenty of other women are in relationships with men that don't bring them deep joy or sexual fulfilment but it is easy to tell yourself that's just how it is at that stage in your life.

It's entirely possible to think it's because you are knackered from running round after kids, or if your husband doesn't do his share of the domestic load and you resent him, or you are stressed with work / finances/ family stuff or perhaps you wonder if you've fallen out of love or might be asexual. After all, lots of your straight friends seem to feel the same!

Sometimes it is a genuine light bulb moment when you realise and it all makes sense and seems so obvious with hindsight!

Also, 'genuinely a lesbian' is kind of hard to define, lots of lesbians have had a few failed straight relationships before they 'knew'

I lived with the Chair of our Uni's LGBT Club in the early 90s...so, erm...not sure where PPs got the idea it wasn't used back in the day. She fixed me up with my DH.😆

Never looked but apparently according to MN, there's a Reddit "Late blooming lesbians".

I think it’s fluid I think I prefer men but I like women too.

Do you have children?

Such people wouldn’t darken my doorstep again if I knew this was their view

Yes. My contact with them is limited.