Questioning sexuality later in life

[Lemonthyme]

I'm in a relationship with my partner (male) who I've been with for about 12 years. It was a slow burn so I can never really pin down the date it started.

Like any long relationship, we have our ups and downs but we're still physical and I love him more than I have anyone else.

But as I get older, and this is kind of weird to admit. I'm not entirely sure I'm straight. I have always been attracted to women as well but grew up in a strict and homophobic household. My Dad is terminally ill and I'm not sure whether that's why it's in my head now. But I suppose I feel disappointed in myself I didn't realise all this consciously when I was younger.

I remember looking at a poster advertising the LGBT club at my uni (no more letters in those days) and for a second thinking about it then buying "Diva" magazine (lol) a few times... But this was the 90s when women were taking half their clothes of and appearing on the front of "Loaded" claiming they were Bi and it all seemed like it was just to attract men. And that just made me think I didn't want to be that kind of person or for people to think that's what I was doing.

It's so funny. I accidentally seek out content on Netflix that it suggests "here is other LGBTQI content you may like..."

Oh I don't know why I'm sharing this. It's not like I'm going to act on it.

And hopefully your kids are never subjected to them

For many reasons they are not completely out of my life. The main one being to do so would be to lose contact with my siblings.

I limit contact as much as I can.

I'm not sure why you're feeling the need to attack me @Okrose? How very sad that you feel the need to.

By the way where did I state it concerned my children? My child is in no way concerned by them. He finds them ridiculous.

It's great isn't it. Write a really vulnerable post coming out online and get attacked for being a bad mother because I've not cut off all contact with my homophobic parents. 🙄🤦‍♀️

What is wrong with people on here?

@Lemonthyme
Don't let people on here to bother you with suggesting no contact with parents. It's such a MN thing to do. Parents seem to be dropped easily for all kinds of reasons.

People - especially old people are difficult, and can become even more so.

Seeing people with different opinions - and being able to disagree with them, while still maintaining communication and a relationship is actually a great lesson for any kid. Our society is not made of people that are all like us - and you can't simply not interact with anyone you don't share opinions/politics.

On a separate issue of finding women attractive, or allowing yourself to feel that more now than previously.... I think it's not uncommon. For many people - sexuality if binary. For some - it's a spectrum.

I don't know what your partner is like. Have you ever mentioned this to him? He might surprise you - he might actually not mind you having those feelings, or even not mind you exploring those...

Thank you for sharing that. In the midst of it all yesterday, I couldn't see clearly on it. My parents were described by a therapist of mine as "emotionally abusive" which is not a simple thing to escape as the abuse doesn't stop when you become an adult. For those who have not experienced it, it's simple from the outside to tell that person to leave. But it's not as easy as that. I have limited contact as much as I can without pushing out my siblings who one at least would go no contact if I did with my parents. The irony is I think one of her kids is homosexual but has never come out. She's completely unaware. Her other daughter was dating a Polish guy for a while. She obviously knows my parents bigotry because she never told them about that relationship.

It's all incredibly complex.

I think maturing is understanding that my views are not the same as my parents' nor my son's. I remember watching an old Blackadder episode once with another niece and her finding the humour unacceptable. I'm not saying that's the same at all as the horrible things my parents have said, but it's easy not to see our own biases. I agree that removing interaction with all people you don't agree with is unhealthy. Learning to manage relationships and to vocally disagree with views is healthy. There are obviously limits to that all but I still have a sense of duty to them as well. Whether they deserve that or not.

I joke about being attracted to women with my partner. He knows to a degree. But I've never sat him down and said "I'm attracted to women". I can't see him wanting to let me explore that. That's not who he is. And look, I love him, and I don't want to hurt him.

This, I never understand why it’s such a thing to announce “I find other people sexually attractive!!!” Unless it’s people doing it because they want a free pass because they want to shag someone of the same sex, and then it’s ’being true to yourself and empowering!’ ?

She's not "announcing" it, she's just thinking about it and expressing it. It's a part of her she hasn't considered much previously. She's already said she's no intention of doing anything about it.

It's not a bad thing to understand yourself better and accept yourself, especially given the background of homophobia she grew up with.

Many women come out in later life. You don't have to label anything.

I have always fantasised about men as well as women, and it was only in my 40s that I discovered this is not the case for everyone. I've never paid very close attention to my fantasies, in that many couldn't be reenacted without a time machine, breaking the laws of physics and so on. It's not been any different from reading a good book, just part of imagination.

I probably am bi. I have been with women as well as men. Does it help me to label it? No. So I'm not going to. There are some people I fancy, and others I don't. Most of us don't get with all the people we have fancied over a lifetime, for a million reasons - it's not reciprocated, one or other or both of us isn't available, it's a work or education situation that would make it unethical, they're just someone at a nearby table in a restaurant, or on TV, or in a book, or just don't have the nerve to speak to them.

If you meet someone where the feeling is mutual, that's great. Otherwise, they're just people in your head, and the thought of them cheers your day. But you don't have to do anything or label anything unless it serves you to fo so. Sometimes it just is, without anything more.

“It's not always easy to identify that it is your sexuality that is the issue if you've never even allowed yourself to consider that possibility.”

I really think this could only be the case for a bi woman, or a woman born pre 1960s, or a very deeply religious woman. Even if you’re brought up in an extremely repressed & homophobic household, the wider society still exists and you will be aware lesbians exist within it, regardless of how they’re viewed. A sexual drive is an extremely powerful thing, and while you might spend you’re teens & early 20s even, “trying to be straight”, dating men etc, it’s just not sustainable long-term. I know many women who are secretly gay have done it, but I find it very hard to believe they wouldn’t have spent their lives miserable and knowing that they’re gay. I can only speak from my personal experience obviously, but I was a a very unhappy & confused teenager in the late 90s. I identified as bi cos that was socially acceptable at the time. Being a lesbian was not. And even having a relationship with a woman wasn’t. I didn’t come out until my early 20s, I didn’t see it as being brave or it being a choice. It was who I was and there was no way I could’ve pretended to be straight until my 40s and married a man. I would’ve spent my life severely depressed.

Sometimes it is a genuine light bulb moment when you realise and it all makes sense and seems so obvious with hindsight!

Yes, sexuality is fluid for some people, and bi women, women who aren’t 100% straight etc may have these ‘lightbulb’ moments in mid-life but there is no way a lesbian woman has a ‘lightbulb’ moment and only realises she is gay at 40! I always remember an episode of Sex and the City where Charlotte was telling a lesbian at a party that she ‘always felt an emotional connection’ with other women and she that she thought she could be attracted to women cos of this emotional/spiritual connection she felt, and the lesbian goes, “look honey, if you don’t eat pussy ain’t no dyke” 🤣 Always liked that and thought it was very accurate. Maybe more accurately described for this context as, “if you don’t look at certain women and want to eat their pussy and think about eating their pussy a LOT”, you ain’t no lesbian.

I think the point is exactly that, it is often the case that people who come out a lot later have been deeply miserable for a long time but for many reasons may struggle to identify exactly why.

Personally, I really did think I wasn’t brave enough and I did really think I could make a choice but as you say that was ultimately unsustainable, especially once the busyness of parenting lessened and the deep unhappiness accumulated. That doesn’t mean I’m not “genuinely a lesbian” and always was- by your definition above I most definitely always have been- it mostly means I’m a lot happier now and really wish, DC apart, that I had not run away from my sexuality and harmed myself so much in the process.

people who come out a lot later have been deeply miserable for a long time but for many reasons may struggle to identify exactly why.

@Notmycircusnotmydonkeys this is me. 40. Marriage to dh ropey for years - lots of unhappiness, no sex. Kids getting a little easier/older. Had a major health scare last year which has changed my body drastically. The only thing that got me through was a sudden and all-encompassing extended fantasy about a woman I’d worked with a few years before - imagining that we lived together, and lots of granular detail about our life together etc. It shifted something internally.

I’m now in the process of divorcing DH. I have no hope or expectation about that particular woman, but I feel very strongly that it is very much women from here on out. Though how I’ll be dating anyone as a single mum of three god knows. But my appearance has changed (surgery, weight, haircut, clothing) and I look at myself and see a different person.

And I’m the most stable, middle of the road, “no surprises here” person ever.

It’s been quite something so far.

I think you may find women are more open to dating someone with kids. I don’t know for sure but I’m a single mum (although only have one kid) and on dating apps etc 90% of women aren’t bothered that I have a young child. Not sure how that compares to men but from what I see on here a lot of straight women on dating apps say a lot of men aren’t interested if they have kids

That’s interesting @Seymorbutts , thank you for that. I think it’s partly the logistics of it all blowing my mind - I will likely end up sharing my kids with DH half the time. I’m battling to imagine a woman who wants either a part time relationship or to find herself in a house with three primary kids half the time, if she’s childless. And then from the point of view of my kids, parents divorcing is monumental enough without new partners (of whatever sex) on the scene - and I’d certainly take a dim view if exH moved someone in next week.

Argh. One step at a time for now.