Controlling MIL - what would you do?

[Solicitor123]

This will probably be a long one. I’ve been harbouring a lot of issues with my mother in law for nearly 10 years now. I think I am just about at the end of my tether, but first thought I’d reach out to hear generally what others think - is it me being too sensitive, am I overreacting/ being unfair, and what would you do?!

The background is that I met DH when we were at university together and we have been together ever since. We are now married with a 6 month old daughter.

My husband’s family are quite different to my own (my family is a typical nuclear family with 3 sisters) whereas his mum and dad broke up when he was younger and he has one brother. He used to be close to his brother, however the brother has unfortunately had a drug problem for many years (I will go into more detail below!).

I think my main issue with my MIL is her controlling nature and manipulation. So far, since knowing her, she has:

• At the beginning of our relationship she would always call my husband fat and make fun of his clothes. She did it in a jokey way but anyone could tell he was uncomfortable. He is not fat at all by the way, quite the opposite. Once, when he was shopping for his wedding suit, she asked the sales assistant to tell my husband he shouldn’t wear that style because he looked fat in it.
• As above, there have been multiple serious issues with BIL over the years and MIL has always lied to cover it up. He is a prescription drug addict and has spent time in rehab. His mental health is poor and he has previously attempted suicide. There have been long periods where DH wasn’t allowed to go home, because his brother was there and they had seriously fallen out. He borrowed money from us once (not thousands but still not a small amount) and never paid it back. On one occasion, masked men broke into MIL’s house to demand drug money. Despite all of the issues, MIL expects us to love BIL, treat him totally normally and act like nothing is wrong.
• On my husband’s stag weekend, BIL took drugs, tried to punch my husband in the face and strangled one of his friends
• The first time DH got a job, MIL rang up the company to tell them that she used to work as a CEO in the same industry and therefore wanted to check their ratings since her son would be working there
• One Xmas we invited both families over for lunch and MIL told us that her family would be staying the night, but not mine as they live closer to us
• The preparations for our wedding were particularly stressful. MIL visited our wedding venue with her friends repeatedly despite us asking her to wait and come with us, and then lied about it. She wanted us to invite her friends (she was paying half of the wedding so we agreed) but it was never enough and she kept asking for more and more people to be added to the guest list, none of whom I had ever met. It was a smallish wedding and my husband had met everyone on my side of the guest list beforehand. She also told us to ask the vicar to make a particular announcement before the church ceremony - we said that we didnt want to do that. So she proceeded to ask the vicar to do it herself (I managed to intervene and reminded her that we didn’t want that), but she then asked DH’s best man to remind the vicar to make this announcement on the morning of the wedding. She would also phone our vendors behind our backs and changed the seating plan on the day of the wedding so that troublesome BIL was sitting closer to DH.

** I should add at this point that at the same time as our wedding, my mum had a very aggressive cancer and was extremely unwell. Tbh, we all thought she wasn’t going to make it. Things were really bad and my mental health was at an all time low. She made this 10000 x more stressful

• When I was heavily pregnant, we invited her round for a bbq. It was meant to just be a small casual thing as I was huge, it was hot and I was struggling. She demanded that we invite the rest of the whole family (5 extra people) and then specifically that we make a cheesecake.
• When DD was first born, she told us that BIL needed to come and visit the same week and then stormed out of the house when we said it was too soon.
• She also has issues with my BIL’s girlfriend. For example she bought her a pram but then refused to hand it over unless BIL, who had recently been found to be taking drugs again, was allowed to be at the birth. BIL’s girlfriend didn’t want that at the time. BIL also had drugs delivered to his girlfriend’s house and MIL went round to request them back. She said that BIL needed them and she didn’t understand.
• She has repeatedly put my job down over the years, telling me that my salary is ‘alright’ and minimising what I do for a living.

The latest issue is that it is DD’s christening in a few weeks and MIL is demanding again that her friend be invited. Unlike the wedding, MIL is not financially contributing to the cost of the christening. My extended family are invited to the christening but my parent’s friends are not (MIL doesn’t have extended family but all of her close family will be attending).

We are not close to this friend, my DH has seen her twice in our entire 10 year relationship (one being at our wedding) and she has never met DD.

I am quite frankly sick and tired of constantly being told what to do by MIL and having all supposed to be happy events turned into a battle. I asked my DH multiple times when organising the christening who he wanted to invite and he invited several friends. He never once mentioned wanting to invite MIL’s friend because we don’t know her and she doesn’t feature in our lives.

Whenever we have to see MIL I get in such a bad mood, I just can’t help myself. My husband does stick up for us sometimes, but he has lived with her controlling behaviour his whole life and so sometimes lets things be brushed under the carpet.

My question is - what would you do at this point?

i would have nothing to do with her.

My mother in law interfered a lot, criticised names I chose for kids, invited herself and her sister to intensive care when my 1st was born poorly, turned up when I was alone with her sister and accused me being atheist ( I had just had child christened ! ) said I shouldn't have my own money or job, said I shouldn't wear my husbands clothes
( I'd borrowed a shirt)
One time I saw her and her sister knocking at my door when I was up the street and I dived into a shop to avoid her.
if she knocked my door I wouldn't answer.
I wouldnt go round for Christmas or anything. I just cut her off,she was horrible.

She knew I was on my own with the baby and she and her sister would try and bully me

Tricky.
Time to put your foot down and explain to your mil that it’s not personal but you want to choose your own guests. Although, as it’s only 1 friend, I might be tempted to let it go this time 🕰️

This is what the word "no" is for. Your dh has to be on your side and either deal with his mum himself or back you up. Of course, even if you say no, the chances are your mil will bring her friend anyway. How much low contact do you want to go?

Your baby is only 6 months old but in a year or so they’ll start having tantrums - the absolute number one rule with tantrums is to never, EVER give in. Hold firm however loud the screaming is. Be kind but unwavering. In the long term it is worth it.

The exact same advice applies to tantruming adults. Set your boundaries and never, ever give in.

It will be worth it in the end.

💐

i would stop seeing her so often, and certainly wont let her interfere with the christening. re. BIL - dont think she will ever stop trying to ‘integrate’ him in various family events/etc - it does not matter what he does/how dangerous he is as she is dissociated from that. all you can do is control your own life and let her get on with hers, with v minimal contact.

I really feel for you, I’ve been there. My MIL only stopped when my DH started standing up to her and refusing to comply with her controlling demands. She eventually realised that if she wanted to have a relationship with her son and DGC she would need to compromise. There were some almighty tantrums, but he held firm.

I guess, addiction is difficult for family members to manage. I'd imagine that mil is spinning plates trying to handle her son's drug use and to prevent another suicide attempt. She's aiding his manipulation by the sounds of it.

Is she requesting her friend come along to the christening - sort of like a +1? I can't see a problem with that if so.

Believe me, I've had the mother in law from hell so I'm not minimising what you're saying, you'll know her tone and her neediness (sounds jealous to me) but, I think maybe some compassion towards her relationship with her other son may give you a level of necessary understanding.

I don't think that you need a relationship with BIL however. Really, your husband should have cut him off after the stag. However, what can you do? Your husband is unlikely to cut his mum off and if he does, he'd just blame you for it. You need a lowish contact solution. Good luck!

She can "demand" all she likes.

You have the power to refuse these demands.

Why have you capitulated to her demands? For example, the bbq - you could just say no, we're not inviting the others and I'm not making a cheesecake. It's really not that hard to say no - you need to learn to stand up for yourself.

I also think your DH needs to step up and deal with his own mother.

This is a DH issue. He needs to set her straight.
Subconsciously i suspect she quite likes bil addiction as it makes her feel needed and allows her to have power to exercise control.
She sounds like an aggresive codependent

You've let this crap go on far too long. When my mil interfered with our wedding plans she had her invite revoked.
Haven't seen her in over 11 years.. Pure bliss.

Exactly, I’d ignore her. My ex MIL was batshit - I concluded she was not my problem, saw her very little (was polite enough when I did), and didn’t listen to any of her advice bullshit. If you engage at all, it’s to say No to some batshittery. She is your husbands problem really.

Just refuse to be controlled.

No, MIL, your friend is not invites to the christening
No, BIL is not coming to visit me freshly pp
MIL the bbq invite was for you, not X Y and Z.
The trick is to refuse to engage further or be drawn into an argument. It feels SO UNCOMFORTABLE at first but honestly you get used to it and keep telling yourself that you're going to keep being uncomfortable as long as you keep giving in as well!

She demanded you made a cheesecake... did you?

Dessert aside, whatever you do going forward you are going to need to do it as a united front with DH ideally. I would honestly get some counselling sessions booked in with him so you can draw boundaries that you both feel are reasonable, and refer back to them.

He's not got the tools he needs to deal with this, and also won't let you deal with it either, so you're going to need some help with a plan you can both stick to.

I would stop having anything to do with her at all.

However... the christening. A place of worship (church, chapel etc) is in essence a public building and anyone can attend a service held there. This person doesn't need to be invited, they can just turn up.

It sounds as if there’s been an accumulation of things and you are at your limit @Solicitor123. You might need to take a step back and mute MIL to give yourself some thinking time. You can’t change the past but you can start with some boundaries. Possibly not today.

I think there’s been lots of battles you could have chosen with her ( quite rightly) and you’d have been very justified doing so but I’m not sure her inviting one friend ( as long as it stays at that ) is a battle I’d be having. It sounds like you’re (not unsurprisingly) done with her so perhaps need to sit down with your DH and discuss how your future relationship with mil looks generally. If it’s nc then start now if it’s minimal contact then I wouldn’t have this battle around the friend personally. But it’s entirely up to you and DH - no one would read that list of past grievances and blame you if you’d simply now had enough x where’s his dad in this ? I saw they were divorced but is he coming with a partner? Is that what is driving her request ?

Mil isn’t going to change. (I recognise some of the content & I’m sure you’ve posted about her before) The ONLY thing you can change is how you respond/deal with her. you can try and get your DH to back you up only you know if that’s likely, but just start saying no that isn’t going to work (don’t explain or turn it into a debate)

you and your DH need to make sure you are on the same page. You both need to learn to stand up to her. Just no, that doesn’t work for us. No needs to become a full sentence. As others have said it will be hard as it’s natural for you but you will reap the benefits. I regret not standing up to my ILs years ago and as a result their behaviour got worse. Finally DP and I are mostly on the same page and not enabling their behaviour. I’m NC with them but I do wonder if we could have avoided that if we’d stood up to their batshittery years ago rather than hitting crisis point.

Thanks all. Taking all of the helpful advice on board. No - I didn’t make the cheesecake. I suppose I just wish that we could invite her to something and she say ‘oh sounds lovely, thanks’ the same way that everyone else does. Rather than trying to control every event and ultimately making into something that neither of us want. I suppose it’s more a respect issue than anything.

"My husband does stick up for us sometimes, but he has lived with her controlling behaviour his whole life and so sometimes lets things be brushed under the carpet."

The real problem here is your H. He needs to do what @Apfelkuchen 's H did:

"My MIL only stopped when my DH started standing up to her and refusing to comply with her controlling demands. She eventually realised that if she wanted to have a relationship with her son and DGC she would need to compromise. There were some almighty tantrums, but he held firm."

OP, you wouldn't know MIL if it wasn't for your H. You married him, not MIL. If he wants you to have a relationship with MIL, HE has to make it sufficiently pleasant - or at least not teeth-grindingly stressful - for you to see her.

As the DIL, you have no power to change MIL's behaviour. You're an outsider to the family and will become the target of implacable aggression if you try to regulate MIL's behaviour. If MIL is capable of becoming somewhat reasonable, only H might be able to achieve that.

If H cannot or will not contain his mother, then you have the right to refuse to see her.

Your H will probably fight you on this, because he'd rather upset you than his mother. So your battle will be to hold your ground against your H.

Someone mentioned counselling. That might help. Also, read Beverley Engel's books "Toxic Parents" and "Toxic In Laws". What you're facing here is a very very common pattern in dysfunctional families.

You do need to tackle this, because DD should not be exposed to a drug addict who punched her father and tried to strangle another guest at a party FFS. DD should also not be taught that the way Granny behaves is acceptable, and that the way to handle such overbearing bullying manipulative abusive freaks is to lay flatter.

Just simply tell her to fuck off

I wouldn’t give her the time of day. I would have absolutely nothing to do with her.

Your DH can decide what sort of relationship he wants with her but you should make it clear that you are finished with her.

I’m amazed you’ve been tolerant. I’d have walked away from her years ago.

She is only 'controlling because you both allow her to get away with it.
Just keep saying "no", whenever you disagree with her. Be polite, but consistent.
Stop telling her everything you do - for instance, why did your husband take your mother with him to get his wedding suit?
Stop going to so many family gatherings..
As a last resort, admittedly, rearrange your christening and don't tell her the new date/venue.