This will probably be a long one. I’ve been harbouring a lot of issues with my mother in law for nearly 10 years now. I think I am just about at the end of my tether, but first thought I’d reach out to hear generally what others think - is it me being too sensitive, am I overreacting/ being unfair, and what would you do?!
The background is that I met DH when we were at university together and we have been together ever since. We are now married with a 6 month old daughter.
My husband’s family are quite different to my own (my family is a typical nuclear family with 3 sisters) whereas his mum and dad broke up when he was younger and he has one brother. He used to be close to his brother, however the brother has unfortunately had a drug problem for many years (I will go into more detail below!).
I think my main issue with my MIL is her controlling nature and manipulation. So far, since knowing her, she has:
- At the beginning of our relationship she would always call my husband fat and make fun of his clothes. She did it in a jokey way but anyone could tell he was uncomfortable. He is not fat at all by the way, quite the opposite. Once, when he was shopping for his wedding suit, she asked the sales assistant to tell my husband he shouldn’t wear that style because he looked fat in it.
- As above, there have been multiple serious issues with BIL over the years and MIL has always lied to cover it up. He is a prescription drug addict and has spent time in rehab. His mental health is poor and he has previously attempted suicide. There have been long periods where DH wasn’t allowed to go home, because his brother was there and they had seriously fallen out. He borrowed money from us once (not thousands but still not a small amount) and never paid it back. On one occasion, masked men broke into MIL’s house to demand drug money. Despite all of the issues, MIL expects us to love BIL, treat him totally normally and act like nothing is wrong.
- On my husband’s stag weekend, BIL took drugs, tried to punch my husband in the face and strangled one of his friends
- The first time DH got a job, MIL rang up the company to tell them that she used to work as a CEO in the same industry and therefore wanted to check their ratings since her son would be working there
- One Xmas we invited both families over for lunch and MIL told us that her family would be staying the night, but not mine as they live closer to us
- The preparations for our wedding were particularly stressful. MIL visited our wedding venue with her friends repeatedly despite us asking her to wait and come with us, and then lied about it. She wanted us to invite her friends (she was paying half of the wedding so we agreed) but it was never enough and she kept asking for more and more people to be added to the guest list, none of whom I had ever met. It was a smallish wedding and my husband had met everyone on my side of the guest list beforehand. She also told us to ask the vicar to make a particular announcement before the church ceremony - we said that we didnt want to do that. So she proceeded to ask the vicar to do it herself (I managed to intervene and reminded her that we didn’t want that), but she then asked DH’s best man to remind the vicar to make this announcement on the morning of the wedding. She would also phone our vendors behind our backs and changed the seating plan on the day of the wedding so that troublesome BIL was sitting closer to DH.
** I should add at this point that at the same time as our wedding, my mum had a very aggressive cancer and was extremely unwell. Tbh, we all thought she wasn’t going to make it. Things were really bad and my mental health was at an all time low. She made this 10000 x more stressful
- When I was heavily pregnant, we invited her round for a bbq. It was meant to just be a small casual thing as I was huge, it was hot and I was struggling. She demanded that we invite the rest of the whole family (5 extra people) and then specifically that we make a cheesecake.
- When DD was first born, she told us that BIL needed to come and visit the same week and then stormed out of the house when we said it was too soon.
- She also has issues with my BIL’s girlfriend. For example she bought her a pram but then refused to hand it over unless BIL, who had recently been found to be taking drugs again, was allowed to be at the birth. BIL’s girlfriend didn’t want that at the time. BIL also had drugs delivered to his girlfriend’s house and MIL went round to request them back. She said that BIL needed them and she didn’t understand.
- She has repeatedly put my job down over the years, telling me that my salary is ‘alright’ and minimising what I do for a living.
The latest issue is that it is DD’s christening in a few weeks and MIL is demanding again that her friend be invited. Unlike the wedding, MIL is not financially contributing to the cost of the christening. My extended family are invited to the christening but my parent’s friends are not (MIL doesn’t have extended family but all of her close family will be attending).
We are not close to this friend, my DH has seen her twice in our entire 10 year relationship (one being at our wedding) and she has never met DD.
I am quite frankly sick and tired of constantly being told what to do by MIL and having all supposed to be happy events turned into a battle. I asked my DH multiple times when organising the christening who he wanted to invite and he invited several friends. He never once mentioned wanting to invite MIL’s friend because we don’t know her and she doesn’t feature in our lives.
Whenever we have to see MIL I get in such a bad mood, I just can’t help myself. My husband does stick up for us sometimes, but he has lived with her controlling behaviour his whole life and so sometimes lets things be brushed under the carpet.
My question is - what would you do at this point?