Facebook stalking can be good

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Spending time in hospital can focus the mind. I've spent a lot of time looking at old school photos. I had forgotten that I was actually effortlessly pretty due to emotional trauma.
I met someone who I thought was the love of my life but as soon as he left the RAF he ditched me.
I had a look at his profile. Tbh his current partner is nothing like me, short, slightly dumpy but they look happy together.

It made me realise that I was just the girlfriend you showed off. He never made me think it was long term though.

I'm happy with a family who make me feel special and can now accept it was never about me.

Maybe he preferred her personality and it wasn’t about looks at all?

You sound like an ex friend of mine. She went on and ON about her 'good looks' so much that I had to walk away. Superficiality is not attractive maybe THAT is why he dumped you.

Right okay.

Exactly. I'd managed to convince myself I was ugly because of the dumping. However, looking back at the photographs I realised that it wasn't about my looks it was about the fact he could flash me at his mates.
At no point did I say oh look im gorgeous, it was just that why did I let a man define me.

As the short, dumpy one (my DM's description) who's now been married to someone who's previous gf was very glam in comparison for 30 years, I am not convinced you spent your time well here...maybe a bit more introspection...

May be its clearer this way, he was always telling me I was beautiful, best boobs in the area and how jealous all his mates were. It was only in the last few days that I realised that was my job. Only valued for my looks. As I said he looks happy with his current partner as she obviously give him more than envy from his mates

It’s good that you have a happy family now, though I don’t think it’s helpful to think this way, continuing to compare yourself and others. It probably wasn’t about you, in the sense of having anything to do with your looks, or his mates, or anyone being jealous of you, or that anyone envies his current partner. He was a school boyfriend, you were very young, most people don’t stay with the boyfriend or girlfriend they had at school forever because we all change a lot once we leave our teenage years behind. You both just grew up a bit and it wasn’t the right relationship - it’s healthier to see it that way.

This doesn't sound very healthy.

As I said im over him now

OP you are getting harsh replies here. Trauma can make you swirl in loops for answers, and yes I am certain that most use social media to check up on that ex from time to time, and everyone can argue how unhealthy that is, except for when you get that answer. I am glad you got to the bottom of things, its rewarding to finally get the why of a situation. I hope you get better too, seeing you are in hospital, and let that ex out of your mind for good, know your worth, and I am not talking beauty here, there is so much more to us women than just that

Wtf does effortlessly pretty due to emotional trauma mean?

Doesn’t sound like it, if this was someone you dated in your school days and you’re still looking him up, critiquing his wife and trying to make sense of him dumping you.

Seriously. Weird thread.

Good lord. You’re in hospital, bored and lonely and without your things. And you’re talking about being objectified for a reason you can’t control, and how it impacts you. And people are shitting on you, and tbf I can see why because you objectified another woman by calling her dumpy…
it’s complicated because I love it when women are a bit arrogant and are like yeah I’m hot. And I completely get that men objectify women and it’s horrible, and being wanted only for your looks is horrible.
but why shit on another woman?

Bollocks it was "your job".

He went out with you because he fancied you, not because he thought it would make his mates jealous. For whatever reason it didn't work out, and then he met his partner, and went out with her because he fancied her (despite the fact that according to you she's "dumpy".

You seem like quite a shallow person to be honest.

Interesting take. So I was 18, flaunted to his mates, maybe, if it was a normal job. He was in the RAF so loads of tosterone filled men around and having, what was seen as the sexiest girlfriend wasn't important? And it was my fault?

It was a line I was fed, they're all so jealous.....

I've spoken to people who knew us then and a friend reminded me that emotional abuse can take many forms. Its not just denigrating.

This is incredibly shallow. He may well find her more attractive than he did you.

If i changed her descriptor to athletic would that be nicer.? What ever , she had nothing to do with it. I was blaming myself for no longer being good enough but externalising her.

We're older than most on here and things were so very different in the very early 80s.

We didn't do fake tan, nails etc. Make-up meant foundation, blusher, eyeshadow, kohl and mascara.

When i meant effortlessly pretty meant I could just get dressed, brush my hair and go.

I'm sure if I was 18 now id be having all the work but it wasn't needed then.

My daughters get dress, brush their hair and go out. It's not really any different from the 80's

What do you mean that you were 'externalising her'

Being effortlessly pretty is really a disadvantage. I know where you're coming from OP. I am above average in looks according to western societal standards. I don't flaunt it or boast about it. I hate it sometimes. A relative of mine told me that I look slavic, a bit like Margot Robbie. I do have a nice personality as well though, but sometimes I feel that I have to over play my brains and having a good heart. It is lonely sometimes because men leer, but they don't approach.

I don't get how people think this is just being woe is me or for attention. It truly is not all it's made out to be.

What are you in hospital for, OP? Kindly, you don't sound OK. Maybe best keep away from Facebook after all.

I"m going to make my final post and if you have daughters keep this in mind. Ive been discussing this IRL with a couple of friends who go back with me and they both said that there were concerns about the way he treated me. For instance we'd be in the pub and he'd sit there stroking my boobs or feeling my bum. Once at least one of our joint mates, male , told him that he should tone it down and got the reply, you're just jealous. Today was the first time I'd been told that. Both said I lost my spark after we split.

What originally sounded like me being jealous actually turned out to be some form of abuse, a bit sexual a bit emotional .

I can now accept that DH loves me because he does not because he felt sorry for me

Did you find that flattering?! Good grief.

Do you know realise how invested in status competition men (and women)? especially when it comes to sex.

Im really sorry for what you went through and that people are being dicks when you’ve just disclosed sexual abuse. You didn’t deserve that then, you don’t deserve it now. I don’t understand about your last line and your husband but I think you should talk to a counsellor or the Samaritans or even rape crisis. You don’t need snarky women on the internet with no emotional intelligence victim blaming you or making it worse

Sorry I can't resist adding one more. Ive talked to DH about this and he said i always seemed a bit flat and was amazed I went out with him let alone married him. Told me I was a lovely woman beautiful inside and out