Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner kind in mornings but cruel after work, upsetting me and kids

54 replies

Sunshine231 · 16/03/2026 18:35

My partner is really horrible on an evening after work and I just don’t understand why he does it and I’m not sure what to do. He will be totally loving and kind on a morning. And sends me loving messages during the day but when he comes home from work he is awful to me and the kids (DS 5 yo and DS 2 yo) he is less awful to our youngest but on a whole he is really unpleasant to be around. When I get upset (at times he’s had me in tears) he will apologise and say he won’t do it again and then 10 minutes later he’s back to being awful and telling me to shut up or F off in front of the kids. Any small thing the kids do wrong he gets really angry and nasty about and then if I try to defend them he will be horrible to me. He likes to sit and scroll on and evening and if anyone disturbs him from doing that he is really unpleasant. I don’t understand why he’s nice all day and on a weekend and then so horrible on an evening. He has a low stress job which he enjoys. I’m the main breadwinner and have a high stress job. He has to pick up the kids from school but I make dinner, do homework, bath time and get them ready for bed so the distribution of chores is not uneven. Any advice welcome.

OP posts:
Farewelltothatid · 16/03/2026 18:41

That is awful for you but absolutely dreadful your DC..

You need to have a serious talk with him about what is going on. Andhonestly if he won't address his behaviour you need to ask him to leave until he sorts himself out because this will have a devastating affect on your DC

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/03/2026 18:43

He does this because he can and this is abusive behaviour from him towards both you and the children. He has learnt this works for him. You are all frightened of him and probably tiptoe around him in some vain attempt as to not set him off. He remains volatile all the same.

He does not talk to his work colleagues like this, these types of men hate women and all of them.

What is the situation re the property and finances?.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. You and he should no longer be together.

Original poster
Sunshine231 · 16/03/2026 18:44

Farewelltothatid · 16/03/2026 18:41

That is awful for you but absolutely dreadful your DC..

You need to have a serious talk with him about what is going on. Andhonestly if he won't address his behaviour you need to ask him to leave until he sorts himself out because this will have a devastating affect on your DC

I’m so sad because the kids absolutely adore their dad and I know he can be so lovely and kind. I’m also sad because I didn’t have a great childhood and I never wanted that for my kids and I feel responsible for putting them through trauma like that 😞 I try my best to shield them from his temper and he does apologise to them as well but he just seems to repeat the same behaviour over and over 😣

OP posts:
borkenboxes · 16/03/2026 18:47

This is appalling. Good on you for being the main earner. You should leave him. His behaviour will damage your children and you.

kids love even abusive parents. It does not mean they should be exposed to them.

keep a diary of incidents. It will help to reduce his custody time with them.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/03/2026 18:48

No op they do not adore their dad, they fear him and in addition it could be only a matter of tone before your eldest child could use that language on you or to a teacher in his school.

You fear your partner and your relationship to him is over. There is no coming back from this. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. You are also not done rehab centre for such a badly raised man.

What do you want to teach your sons about relationships and what are they learning here?

Do contact Womens Aid as they can and will
help you here. A solicitor would also be useful to see as well re potentially obtaining a non molestation order.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/03/2026 18:51

His apologies are meaningless and he is not sorry at all.

You cannot protect yourself, let alone your dc here, from him whilst you are all under the same roof. Ultimately your man needs to be gone from both your and your kids day to day lives. You have a choice re him and your children do not. Put them and you front and centre , not him.

Pearlstillsinging · 16/03/2026 18:52

What happens if you talk to him about his treatment of his family at a time when he would normally be pleasant to be with? Can he explain what changes in the evening?
Is he willing to take anger management classes?
Is he drinking alcohol at some point during the day?

deplorabelle · 16/03/2026 18:55

Does he have a drink during or after work?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/03/2026 18:55

He continues to show you the nice and nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one.

Your own poor childhood damaged your boundaries and that made you more attractive to such an abusive man. He sensed your innate vulnerability from that time and has exploited it. I have no doubt he targeted you deliberately in order to abuse you and in turn the kids.

No one ever bothered to show you what a mutually respectful relationship is and thus certainly is not it.

Morepositivemum · 16/03/2026 18:58

It’s not ok but I’d guess work isn’t good for him/ he’s exhausted. I’m not like that coming home but I’m definitely not the same as I am in the mornings. Lottery win and I’d be gone from work!!

sorry I hit post too soon, you have to tell him it’s not ok to talk to them or you like that

lady725516 · 16/03/2026 18:59

I’m sorry this is happening to you OP. Your partner is a bully!
has he always been like this? When you speak to him what does he say the reason is? If it were me I would be saying he needs therapy/anger management or you split. Please protect yourself and your young children.

borkenboxes · 16/03/2026 19:05

I have a friend who works for a woman’s aid type org. She says it is confusing for women as the man is often very nice when he is not being abusive

borkenboxes · 16/03/2026 19:05

I have a friend who works for a woman’s aid type org. She says it is confusing for women as the man is often very nice when he is not being abusive

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/03/2026 19:48

Abuse is not a relationship issue. It’s about power and control.

He does not have an anger management problem.
He has a problem with anger, her anger, when she calls him out on his behaviour. And anger management courses are no answer to domestic abuse which is what is being described here. Also succ ch men are not amenable to therapy

Cherrysoup · 16/03/2026 19:54

Your dc are being trained for future relationships by being exposed to this every day. He really has got you trained to do as he wants, hasn’t he? I don’t think you should tolerate another day of this. Don’t care if he’s masking issues all day, his evening behaviour is absolutely unacceptable.

Flannelfeet · 16/03/2026 19:56

Another one id put a pillow over his face while he was sleeping.

VanityUnit66 · 16/03/2026 20:02

Does he use coke at work?

Original poster
Sunshine231 · 16/03/2026 20:23

lady725516 · 16/03/2026 18:59

I’m sorry this is happening to you OP. Your partner is a bully!
has he always been like this? When you speak to him what does he say the reason is? If it were me I would be saying he needs therapy/anger management or you split. Please protect yourself and your young children.

He says it’s because he is tired. I’m tired too but I wouldn’t dream of treating my loved ones badly. Firstly because it’s not their fault I’m tired and secondly because treating people I love badly only makes me feel worse about myself. He seems to get some kind of boost or enjoyment from it otherwise why would he do it on a daily basis. He said he can’t get counselling as he cannot take the time off work to do it

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunshine231 · 16/03/2026 20:28

Pearlstillsinging · 16/03/2026 18:52

What happens if you talk to him about his treatment of his family at a time when he would normally be pleasant to be with? Can he explain what changes in the evening?
Is he willing to take anger management classes?
Is he drinking alcohol at some point during the day?

He used to drink every day and he was a lot nicer to be honest. He’s stopped drinking as he is now taking adhd medication. I thought the medication might help him with emotional regulation but it seems to have made him 100 times worse. He already had a temper before the medication but the evenings are now unbearable for me and the kids. I always thought of a partner as someone who would make you feel better after a bad day but in my case I actually dread him coming home because I know he will make my day a million times worse. I feel so sad and sorry for the kids and can’t help but feel I’ve ruined their lives by allowing this to happen 😞

OP posts:
LucyLoo1972 · 16/03/2026 20:29

borkenboxes · 16/03/2026 19:05

I have a friend who works for a woman’s aid type org. She says it is confusing for women as the man is often very nice when he is not being abusive

yes - thats the case in my marriage

NoisyMonster678 · 16/03/2026 20:33

He does not deserve you and the kids.

He could ruin their childhoods if this continues.

He is an emotionlly abusive tyrant.

LTB

OneKhakiFish · 16/03/2026 20:37

I would be very blunt, change the way you're behaving or leave,

Original poster
Sunshine231 · 16/03/2026 20:42

OneKhakiFish · 16/03/2026 20:37

I would be very blunt, change the way you're behaving or leave,

Can you elaborate on how I can change my behaviour? I’m willing to try anything to turn this around for the kids

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunshine231 · 16/03/2026 20:43

NoisyMonster678 · 16/03/2026 20:33

He does not deserve you and the kids.

He could ruin their childhoods if this continues.

He is an emotionlly abusive tyrant.

LTB

I’m worried I’ve already ruined their childhood 😞 I’d give anything to get a do over and make it right for them

OP posts:
SecretSquid · 16/03/2026 20:48

Maybe he needs his medication adjusted. If the behaviour has only started since he's on it.
Otherwise you have to do right by your kids. You can't turn back time but you can do something about their whole childhoods starting from now.