Partner kind in mornings but cruel after work, upsetting me and kids

[Sunshine231]

My partner is really horrible on an evening after work and I just don’t understand why he does it and I’m not sure what to do. He will be totally loving and kind on a morning. And sends me loving messages during the day but when he comes home from work he is awful to me and the kids (DS 5 yo and DS 2 yo) he is less awful to our youngest but on a whole he is really unpleasant to be around. When I get upset (at times he’s had me in tears) he will apologise and say he won’t do it again and then 10 minutes later he’s back to being awful and telling me to shut up or F off in front of the kids. Any small thing the kids do wrong he gets really angry and nasty about and then if I try to defend them he will be horrible to me. He likes to sit and scroll on and evening and if anyone disturbs him from doing that he is really unpleasant. I don’t understand why he’s nice all day and on a weekend and then so horrible on an evening. He has a low stress job which he enjoys. I’m the main breadwinner and have a high stress job. He has to pick up the kids from school but I make dinner, do homework, bath time and get them ready for bed so the distribution of chores is not uneven. Any advice welcome.

I'd be very direct with him. Sit him down when he is not being a dick and tell him calmly that he is being abusive to you and your children, that it needs to change and if there is one more instance of this behaviour, he will need to leave and you will be divorcing him. The relationship will be over. No more second chances.

Its damaging the children and you are beginning to dread him coming home at night. This is not sustainable and will no longer be tolerated.

Tired is not a valid reason. Everyone is tired. Tired is not a green light to take your mood put on your partner and kids and this isn't the kind of man you want to be with.

Say all this in a calm voice, do not be drawn into an argument. Just repeat that you are not willing to continue the relationship with this behaviour.

Fgs Op make him leave. You are bringing up your children in an abusive household and your children are being abused. I can assure you, this will be with them for life and impact their future relationships negatively if you don't get rid of him.

They will also blame you for failing to protect them. Ask me how I know . . .

My DH has a recent ADHD diagnosis, and I’ve seen how much different meds can affect his personality. Obviously I don’t know if this is the case with your OH but my DH definitely struggled with regulating his mood on one particular medication - nothing as serious as what you’ve mentioned but he was definitely more short tempered and prone to stress/anxiety over minor things. There is also a time factor as the drugs wear off by the afternoon. He should go back to his prescriber - you should absolutely not be bearing the brunt of this.

My guess is he hasn’t stopped drinking.