Partner kind in mornings but cruel after work, upsetting me and kids

[Sunshine231]

My partner is really horrible on an evening after work and I just don’t understand why he does it and I’m not sure what to do. He will be totally loving and kind on a morning. And sends me loving messages during the day but when he comes home from work he is awful to me and the kids (DS 5 yo and DS 2 yo) he is less awful to our youngest but on a whole he is really unpleasant to be around. When I get upset (at times he’s had me in tears) he will apologise and say he won’t do it again and then 10 minutes later he’s back to being awful and telling me to shut up or F off in front of the kids. Any small thing the kids do wrong he gets really angry and nasty about and then if I try to defend them he will be horrible to me. He likes to sit and scroll on and evening and if anyone disturbs him from doing that he is really unpleasant. I don’t understand why he’s nice all day and on a weekend and then so horrible on an evening. He has a low stress job which he enjoys. I’m the main breadwinner and have a high stress job. He has to pick up the kids from school but I make dinner, do homework, bath time and get them ready for bed so the distribution of chores is not uneven. Any advice welcome.

get rid love - he won't get better. there is no excuse for this abuse towards you. not coke, or tired, or adhd meds or drink. honestly ltb. he is abusing you cos he is an abuser. that is it.

he was never in a great mood after work but he’s never been this bad. The medication started at the same time he started his new job. He hated his previous job and always blamed his moods on that but now he says he loves the new job yet his mood is more awful than ever so I’m so confused 😕 his previous job was hard physically and longer hours but yet he’s blaming tiredness now for the aggression even though he’s now got a much less tiring, more enjoyable job. My job is really high pressure and I’m already on a personal improvement plan due to poor performance so I only have 6 months to prove myself but it’s really difficult when your partner makes life hell every evening

It's him that needs to change his behaviour,

OP you can not change this behaviour. The only one who can is your partner. You say you are willing to do anything. You need to do EVERYTHING to make sure your children are safe and growing up in a nurturing environment. They aren’t at the moment and the longer you stay the longer you are subjecting to this terrible environment. You are doing them no favours whatsoever by staying.

The only reason you should feel bad is if you allow this situation to continue. You're not ruining family life, he is. You're not shouting at and upsetting your family, he is. These experiences will damage your children if you don't get them away from him. You need to leave him, for your own and your children's safety and happiness.

It gets worse with every update OP. You need to keep your job. Your family needs you to keep it. He is harming your family and sabotaging your efforts to provide for them. What will you do when you lose your job and you are relying on your useless abusive partner for everything? You'll never get away. However bad things are now, they can still get a lot worse. Don't leave it too late.

My job is really high pressure and I’m already on a personal improvement plan due to poor performance so I only have 6 months to prove myself but it’s really difficult when your partner makes life hell every evening

Tell him to leave before he costs you your career and livelihood. I guarantee he will be ten times worse if he suddenly finds himself the sole earner, and he will take every bit of that out on you and the children. Once he’s gone you’ll probably find that you are far more relaxed both at home and at work.

Also, if you have a good manager tell them that you are dealing with an explosive, abusive husband at home and that is impacting you. Many places are incredibly supportive of employees going through hard times.

You can change your behaviour by leaving your abuser and not enabling him by staying

Women's aid will help you leave

Its an abuse tactic to keep you on a tightrope of stress. You end up losing the job and your world gets smaller and he gets more abusive

This happens in our house. Jeckyll & Hyde.
You have my sympathies, it’s really hard…
DH keeps doing it, then he’s sorry. Again.
Shouting & swearing on Mother’s Day.
I’ve shrunk myself at home, it’s sad really.
Don’t want that for DS, we need to leave…

Apologies without any change in behaviour afterwards are not worth much.

You and your DC deserve better.

OP it’s not an excuse for him being horrid but ADHD meds can leave you feeling soooo bad once they wear off, some people for example will take an extra immediate release pill to keep their mood elevated once the extended release one wears off. However, if he used to drink a lot before that also doesn’t sound promising so probably best to separate and leave him to deal with all of this himself. Best of luck with it all, it sounds like a very difficult situation ♥️

I’m really sorry you’re going through the same thing. It’s exhausting and makes me dread the evenings as I know when he comes home every one needs to be on egg shells. Also our kids are too young to understand the need to tiptoe round him so I’m constantly anxious waiting for the next little thing they might do which could set him off. I get anxious to pop out of the room because I know if I’m not there to supervise like a hawk they’ll end up doing some minor thing which will trigger his rage. It’s a really exhausting way to live

Get your kids out of there, OP. Or one day in the not-too-distant future your son will turn around and use exactly the same language towards you, and you will die inside. Abusers raise abusers. I’ve been married for fourteen years and my husband has never ever told me to shut up or to fuck off, not once. It’s not normal, and you deserve so much better than this.

OP

No you have not ruined their childhoods and their childhoods can still be salvaged if you leave. Your own recovery from his abuse has not started yet and will not till that happens. In the meantime you re not fully emotionally available to your kids because you are preoccupied by his abuses of you all. If you wait to leave till their teens it will be too late for them and the damage is baked in.

They need to learn as well as you the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Your man and you should not be together.

What is preventing you from leaving your abuser at this point in time?. Is it fear of him, fear of the unknown, money worries, the kids etc?. If you can express your fears then these could be potentially mitigated.

Your man could well cost you your kids and your job and he knows both are your achilles heel. He wants you at home all the time so you will feel further trapped and feel unable to get away from him. Do not lose your job here, that is your way out from this abusive relationship. Talk to your employer, abuse also thrives on secrecy.

You re not the first person to be in such an abusive relationship and sadly you will not be the last.

The ADHD meds are not effective because he is at heart abusive and there is no medicine that can counteract abuse. Doctors can be easily misled by abusive men into prescribing such medication that is not needed. Again, he does not talk to his work colleagues or treat them with such outright contempt.

OP
re your comment:
"Also our kids are too young to understand the need to tiptoe round him so I’m constantly anxious waiting for the next little thing they might do which could set him off".

And that is one of the saddest sentences I have read in a long time. They should not ever have to learn how to tiptoe around their abusive father. They should be able to play and make noise. Your home is akin to a war zone and it truly is not the sanctuary it should be for you or them. Its certainly not a place full of laughter and love.

Your man has decided to embark on his own private based war against you and in turn your children. Is this going to become the cornerstone of their childhoods?.

Who died and made this bloke king?. I feel for both your kids here because their father in particular is letting them down by abusing you as their mother and they are directly seeing that. You in turn remain stuck in this abusive relationship and will be stuck until you finally wake up properly to see what effects this is having on both you and your DC.

You have a choice re this man and your children do not. You have to take the first and often the most hard of step out, on your own. You can do this but you need to plan your exit from him with due care and that is where Womens Aid comes in. They can help you leave. You and your kids absolutely deserve a home life free from abuse within it. Do not let history further repeat itself.

You and your DC should not have to live that way.

He is being abusive. Being "stressed with work" or "tired" are excuses that do NOT make his behaviour acceptable.

You absolutely cannot, nor should you be expected to, live like this. It's not fair to you or your children
Please talk to your manager/HR at work to explain your home circumstances and start working out the best way to split up. As PP said you will get so much more relaxed at home and at work when you are no longer walking on eggshells every evening.

It does sound as if he needs his meds reviewed and adjusted but that us his problem to address not yours.

Well then he’s lying - I did counselling after work. Many offer slots after 5pm and many offer video calls too.

Hey op, his behaviour is completely unacceptable and disgustingly unfair on you and family life, it's something he either addresses or he loses you and his family.

I know you mentioned he had recently started ADHD meds alongside the new job, I am on 50mg of vyvanse and find that I often crash mid-late afternoon if I've taken my meds in the morning, it's a very common side affect and I do have a 5mg dexamphetamine top up I can take to help the crash.

I can become tired and irritable when I'm having a medication crash, if this is something that is happening to him he needs to discuss it with his medication prescriber - please note this is just my anecdotal experience and does NOT excuse the abusive behaviour.

To help your kids long term, you need to show them it’s not acceptable to let someone treat them and you, so badly. Spell it out simply, give him time to try sorting his meds out but if no improvement, tell him you will leave. Whilst that might be really difficult in the short term, imagine how much happier you could be without living in fear of his moods.
Does he recognise his own behaviour?

it’s like mourning the end of a relationship when you’re still in it, but unless the meds change make it better, then it won’t get improve OP if it’s his personality and do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who makes you feel this way?

PP absolutely right about telling work, especially if you’re having some issues.

He’s an abuser.

This is what you tell him op!

Your moods and rage are going to lose me my job. You need to leave, you can find an evening counsellor, that will fit in with your work. We are separated as of now. I need to keep my job and our kids deserve better than having to live in the same house as your anger and swearing every evening so there’s nothing to discuss, I’m going to catch up with work now. I need you gone by the end of the week. I will call the police if you get too angry.

The children shouldn’t have to learn to tiptoe Aron him!!! If you stay with him it will ruin their childhood. Do something now before the damage sets in.