Setting reasonable boundaries with relative re weight loss

[StirringsStill]

I wonder if some sensible Mumsnetters could please help me out with a tricky situation concerning a relative. I have recently lost just over 3 stone in weight and got myself fit so I am again running 5K several times a week. It has taken me over a year and I’ve worked really hard in both the kitchen and in the gym/out on the trails. Last week a relative asked me if I was using weight loss drugs. I told her I was not. She then sent me a text saying I was lying and taking her for a fool and that she knows! (Ikr) What is a reasonable boundary to assert around this? Is it me or is this very odd and intrusive behaviour?

To be clear, this isn’t a thread about the merits of various weight loss methods. It’s about boundaries and privacy. For some context. I also lost a very similarly big chunk of weight about eight ears ago. At that time, this same relative insisted my dog had turned my life around. I felt quite cross at the time as I’d worked so hard and felt she was undermining my efforts and handing them to my dog. (I absolutely adore my dog and there’s no doubt my dog brings me no end of joy but he didn’t lose weight and get fit for me.) Anyway I forgot about it. Until now. I see it’s a pattern. It seems very important to her to deny me agency for my own success. And today she sent me a load of unflattering fat photos of myself which made me feel really sad, for myself and for her for being so awful. She was very unkind to me about my weight as a teenager so maybe I’m just triggered by her and my weight in general.

What is a functional way of dealing with this relative? Am I being weird finding her behaviour odd and intrusive?

Why are you involving her in conversations? Just meet up occasionally. Give up texting. Some people are just wierd! When you know someone well, you know what is the truth and what isn’t!

You tell them that you've told them the truth, you're sick of discussing it and that if they bring it up again you'll end the conversation. And then do. End the phone call, leave the room etc.

If they still don't get the message, then cut contact. It doesn't sound like she's a particularly nice person anyway, would it really be a loss if you didn't speak to her anymore?

Do you have to interact with them much? I’d advocate for yourself and say ‘I find your comments very upsetting and I won’t be discussing this with you any further and I don’t want any unsolicited comments about my appearance’.

Block her. Why would a friend/relative do that.

How much do you want the relative to remain in your life, because frankly she sounds vile. Can you just minimise contact and save yourself having to deal with her?

If for whatever reason she'll continue to be in your life I would send exactly the same message every time she mentions your weight - "I am not discussing this further". Send it 100 times a day if you have to. She has been so breathtakingly rude and unpleasant that you don't have to try and be nice. You can be completely blunt. And you don't have to justify or prove anything - just slam that door in her face every single time she tries to open it.

Even if you were using weight loss drugs it's absolutely none of her business. Is she jealous because all of this sounds like she is.

Ignore her and have no interaction with her. Why do you interact with her anyway?

You really don't have to 'handle' this in any way.

Next time she says you must have, just say, "okay" and carry on.

And today she sent me a load of unflattering fat photos of myself which made me feel really sad, for myself and for her for being so awful. She was very unkind to me about my weight as a teenager so maybe I’m just triggered by her and my weight in general.

Just repond with a - "I'm so proud of how far I have come". Or send one back with a "Look at me now". Preferably in your running gear.

Let the bitch choke on her own jealousy. Unless this is likely to wear you down and cause you to regress, don't block her - just kill her with success.

Thank you so much for all the messages so far. I feel quite teary.

How mean ! I'd just reply and say
" I dont wish to discuss this any further with you. Please stop"

Well done with your running! I'd be tempted to respond back equally as rudely "I don't care what you think". and maybe if I was feeling particularly irritable I'd add "Don't text me again until you can be civil". But really I'd probably just avoid them for a while. Keep doing what you are doing!

I think a resounding “mind your own bloody business” should cover it. You’ve done brilliantly, ignore the nasty cow.

I wouldn’t even engage tbh she sounds consumed with jealousy. Sometimes no response sends a bigger message than engaging with people like this. I’d starve her of the attention and conflict she’s clearly seeking.

Edited to add bloody well done on your weightloss and fitness journey 💐

I wouldn’t respond to any messages about weight, I wouldn’t respond to the photographs at all. The first text accusing you of lying I would respond to once to say that it’s not up for debate and that she is wrong in her assumptions. Then end any real life conversation or message thread if she raises it again.

If you don’t like her and she was/is cruel to you, then I’d also massively reduce any contact you have with her.

What a nasty jealous cow. Ignoring is the best way. Don’t let her upset you (and definitely don’t let her see you’re upset), she’s clearly doing this to get a reaction,

First question really is do you want this person in your life? What positives do they bring that make the negatives a price worth paying?

Maybe say to them that their obsession with your weight is disturbing and you don't want to hear anything more from them about it

@StirringsStill is this your mother? Sounds like something mine would have said to me 🙄 I would send a message along the lines of “ I have told you the truth - whether you believe it is up to you” Then I would put her on mute

Ask her why she's so obsessed with other people's bodies.
Leave messages on unread.
Ignore any references to weight loss or your body.
Invite her running
Tell her she's an idiot
Or
Send laugh emoji back

PS you are such an inspiration! Amazing achievement!

OP, this is not normal or nice behaviour from your relative. You have done amazing and this person is just trying to drag you back into their twisted perception of you of someone they can humiliate.

Some suggestions (other than 'fuck off')

'Its a bit weird you keep going on about this to be honest, let's change the subject! Hows things with you, how's xxxx?'

'Yeah I was actually a really self conscious teenager and your comments about my weight didn't help then, and dont help now, so lets agree to not talk about it! Hows things with you, how's xxx?'

What i find works best with people like this is that they hate being accused of being weird. They HATE it. (I am actually weird - not rude - and I dont mind it, so i find it fascinating how much it unsettles people)

AND/OR boring, they hate being called boring. Or obsessed.
Its a great way to get them to shut up.

'We've discussed this already and its weird you and bringing it up again, if you want advice on weight loss injections im sure there's plenty of forums online you could fine'

'You're being so weird about this! And its a bit boring tbh, let's talk about something else' (changes subject)

'No offence, but this is a bit boring for me, you mentioning my weight all the time, its a bit weird tbh, you seem obsessed'

If they do it in person you can give them a 'you're weirding me out' face. And you can stick with that face and if they say anything to you to go 'oh look, OP is getting offended' or whatever bollocks, you can just quietly go 'its not that... you're just being really weird about it, why do you keep bringing it up?' And if they go 'well, cos you are lying' you can go 'im not, why are you being so weird?' And just repeat that over and over again. The grey rock technique works well with one phrase.

This seems like really bizarre behaviour on your relatives’ part.

Maybe say that given she is unable to listen to anything you have said on the matter you are not happy to talk about it further with her, over message or in-person. And she can draw any conclusions she wants from that, but you don’t want to hear any more from her on it.

Who is this relative? Are you able to fade them out of your life? Block them and give them no further thought?

If for whatever reason you can't block and dump them, then all you need to know is that their comments say more about them than they do about you.

Maybe a few responses along the lines of -

"You seem to be upset by my health and fitness efforts. Is it something you need to talk about?"

"Have I done something to upset you? I'm wondering why you're being so nasty and making comments about my appearance."

"I'm taking a step back to give you room to process whatever it is that's upsetting you about me losing weight and getting healthy."

Alternatively, just tell her to fuck off and learn some manners.

I love the invite her running 😂.

Some people just cannot abide others succeeding. I would be so proud of @StirringsStill , that I cannot even imagine going to such lengths to undermine her.

Invite her to join you on your next run

The best boundary would be a physical one methinks; a good few miles of it.

She sounds vile. Cut her out of your life, if you can. If you can't do that, atleast do not engage with her on any of this. Do not even insist that you're telling the truth, because it is none of her business how you lost the weight, and your telling her how you did suggests she deserves an answer, which she does not.