Setting reasonable boundaries with relative re weight loss

[StirringsStill]

I wonder if some sensible Mumsnetters could please help me out with a tricky situation concerning a relative. I have recently lost just over 3 stone in weight and got myself fit so I am again running 5K several times a week. It has taken me over a year and I’ve worked really hard in both the kitchen and in the gym/out on the trails. Last week a relative asked me if I was using weight loss drugs. I told her I was not. She then sent me a text saying I was lying and taking her for a fool and that she knows! (Ikr) What is a reasonable boundary to assert around this? Is it me or is this very odd and intrusive behaviour?

To be clear, this isn’t a thread about the merits of various weight loss methods. It’s about boundaries and privacy. For some context. I also lost a very similarly big chunk of weight about eight ears ago. At that time, this same relative insisted my dog had turned my life around. I felt quite cross at the time as I’d worked so hard and felt she was undermining my efforts and handing them to my dog. (I absolutely adore my dog and there’s no doubt my dog brings me no end of joy but he didn’t lose weight and get fit for me.) Anyway I forgot about it. Until now. I see it’s a pattern. It seems very important to her to deny me agency for my own success. And today she sent me a load of unflattering fat photos of myself which made me feel really sad, for myself and for her for being so awful. She was very unkind to me about my weight as a teenager so maybe I’m just triggered by her and my weight in general.

What is a functional way of dealing with this relative? Am I being weird finding her behaviour odd and intrusive?

There is something particularly maddening about another person writing a story about you in their heads, to satisfy their own psychological needs, and then refusing to alter it when given the facts.

I've experienced the same this week (although not about weight) and it's doing my head in.

Absolutely agree with @ResultsMayVary, this is her own internal narrative and it’s almost impossible to change (and far too frustrating/a waste of your energy to do so). Try reading Mark Manson The Art of not giving a Fuck, or Let Them Theory.

Sometimes turning on your own curiosity can help. Did someone (a parent?) give her the label of the fit/sporty/slim one, and you the podgy/lazy/uncoordinated one? In which case, you becoming fitter will threaten her own sense of identity - she may not be emotionally aware enough to recognise this. On reflection, I think especially with sending the fat photos, this may be what is going on, they represent her internalised image of you and you are now disrupting her world view.

Is this her own self-image as being the “best” at self-control, discipline etc amongst her friends, cousins or colleagues?

whatever it at he heart of it, well done for firstly the weight loss and fitness improvements and also for asserting some boundaries, it can be very hard to do. I think a book called The Shark Cage is helpful if this is something you struggle with.

@StirringsStill Well done you! I am pleased about your success.

As for your sister, just because you are related by blood doesn’t mean she has affection for you. Familiar affection is kind and warm. She isn’t like that towards you. It helps to accept that she doesn’t like you. Once accepted it is easy to detach from her.

Use one line answers like: is that right? Or good to know. And then silence. Let her sit in the discomfort of silence from you.

Silence towards someone antagonizing you has so much power, it disarms them.

She thinks she's better than you because shes the one who always had the discipline and will power to have been a slim/healthy weight all her life and not indulge in things.
Now you've proven that you too, have the will power to be disciplined and shes not "special" or "superior" anymore. Plus you've lived a little and had some bloody good indulgence along the way whilst shes always gone without.
Shes trying to convince herself it wasn't you thats worked and reached these achievements, to make her feel better about herself. Even if you had taken WLI, they aren't a magic wand, they still require a person makes changes with diet and exercise, but because it supresses appetite it does make it "easier" to lose weight, and she wants it to not have been the bloody hard slog she knows it is because then she can still think shes somehow better than you.

Piss on her chips, for me if not for you!

Thanks for this morning’s mesages. Each and every one is brilliant and make me feel instantly better on reading.

What a bitch!

I wouldn’t be keeping this from
your husband and kids. Just one, ‘can you believe Sarah doesn’t believe I have lost weight in my own and has accused me of lying! She apparently ‘knows’ I used weight loss jabs!’

I’ve had this recently from someone I considered a good friend. Calling me a liar is a boundary crossed so hard and far they are now resident on mars. I was shocked by how much it hurt me.
I’ve worked really hard over 18 months to drop from a size 20 to a size 10. (No wli) I’ve put it down to jealousy but still, a boundary crossed, no second chances. She’s out of my life.

Sounds like she as quite happy being the slim sister and feels threatened by your dedication and health improvement. She liked you being fat. It made her feel better.

I’ve known people like that,

edited to say Well done on your weight loss and your dedication to getting fitter. Be proud of yourself and just shut down any conversations she has about the gym or weight loss.

You sound lovely, OP. Your sister clearly has issues around jealousy and self-esteem. I agree that it would be counterproductive to start an argument with her over this. I would completely ignore any messages she sends that are trying to tear you down - about weight or anything else. If she says anything in person, be blunt - I don't want to discuss this with you - or literally turn your back on her and talk to someone else. She will probably up the ante to try to get a rise out of you, but keep ignoring! And if this is really upsetting you, definitely reduce contact with her. Well done on your weight loss and fitness!

When I told her it was extremely weird to claim to know more about me than I know about myself, she replied saying the lady doth protest too much methinks. Slightly misquoted so as to be extra fucking annoying. Argh. She doesn’t see her behaviour for what it is.

I kept my children away from my sister as much as possible because my sister was really spiteful to me about my weight as a teenager. For eg, humiliating me to tears at gatherings and making a display of making me feel bad about myself. I was overweight but far from indecently. And apart from her humiliation I didn’t feel bad about myself. I was quite happy and confident in myself in spite of the extra weight and I was sporty. And then after children I got fat. I don’t think I was a problem for her while I was properly fat. So it really does seem that me being fat is ok but being slimmish somehow threatens her psychological view of herself. Her terrible behaviour isn’t about me, this is all about her.

it makes me see that she isn’t very nice. She really doesn’t seem to care about my hurt feelings at all.

Well done on your weight loss. And I absolutely hear you about being called a liar by someone claiming to know more about you than you know yourself. I even considered showing my sister my NHS health app to prove I was not on any medications. Argh. I

I’ve had a good think about it today and I’m just going to leave it. I’m a wimp. My son is getting married next month and I’m a bit nervous about her somehow spoiling his wedding day. I have talked to her about her behaviour before on many occasions and she just lashes out. I just really can’t be arsed with her drama.

I’d just text back a short message. ‘If that’s what you think then think it. I know how I’ve lost weight and I’ve told you, it’s not any of your business so if you don’t believe don’t mention it again’
the block her