Setting reasonable boundaries with relative re weight loss

[StirringsStill]

I wonder if some sensible Mumsnetters could please help me out with a tricky situation concerning a relative. I have recently lost just over 3 stone in weight and got myself fit so I am again running 5K several times a week. It has taken me over a year and I’ve worked really hard in both the kitchen and in the gym/out on the trails. Last week a relative asked me if I was using weight loss drugs. I told her I was not. She then sent me a text saying I was lying and taking her for a fool and that she knows! (Ikr) What is a reasonable boundary to assert around this? Is it me or is this very odd and intrusive behaviour?

To be clear, this isn’t a thread about the merits of various weight loss methods. It’s about boundaries and privacy. For some context. I also lost a very similarly big chunk of weight about eight ears ago. At that time, this same relative insisted my dog had turned my life around. I felt quite cross at the time as I’d worked so hard and felt she was undermining my efforts and handing them to my dog. (I absolutely adore my dog and there’s no doubt my dog brings me no end of joy but he didn’t lose weight and get fit for me.) Anyway I forgot about it. Until now. I see it’s a pattern. It seems very important to her to deny me agency for my own success. And today she sent me a load of unflattering fat photos of myself which made me feel really sad, for myself and for her for being so awful. She was very unkind to me about my weight as a teenager so maybe I’m just triggered by her and my weight in general.

What is a functional way of dealing with this relative? Am I being weird finding her behaviour odd and intrusive?

Firstly, and most importantly, well done you. Losing weight is hard. Getting fit is bloody hard. You have done both, so you can be very proud.

As for this horrible, nasty woman, the reality is that she’s envious of you and your achievements. So rub her nose in them. Send her photos of yourself looking fabulous, send her your best 5k times, and ask if she wants to come for a run with you. Of course you’ll take it easy because she can’t be expected keep up….

Oh god! The injustice!! I don’t think I could let this lie (although it would probably be best 🤦‍♀️). I think I would have to reply something like :
”I have absolutely nothing against WLI’s but it’s just not something I wanted to do (not least the cost!). I haven’t used them and I don’t really understand why you are insisting I have. If I had, I would own it! I find it odd that you are seeking to reduce my hard work to what you clearly view as a cheat or a quick fix. I can’t prove otherwise (unless you wish to investigate my MyFitnessPal app 😂) so you are just going to have to accept it, or not. I also don’t understand what you were hoping to achieve by sending those photos that you knew were bound to upset me. Perhaps it’s best if we don’t discuss this tropic again “

Well done on your weight loss and fitness levels. All credit to you for such hard work.

Dry your tears now and find your anger.

Who is the relative in question?.

Regardless block this person from being able to contact you on all channels. If they use another person to contact you (a flying monkey) then have nothing to do with them either. Your relative does not deserve any of your time or engagement. You would not tolerate this from a friend so do not tolerate any abuse from some abusive relative who has no empathy nor insight.

She wants a response from you and that apart from being her reward further keeps the door of communication open. Do not give this person a response of any kind.

How long have you lost it over?

I would block her and never see the cow again.

I'm in the "do one" camp.

But it's basically projection. Is her body a temple?

And well done, I've lost a couple of stone on quite a few occasions and currently back at my heaviest, it's blimmin hard. Even if you took every injection going,still hard!

It’s right in the OP. She says over the course of a year

My answer would be Fuck Off and that would be all shed get from me til she apologised

initially I was going to suggest just saying you don’t want to discuss it again.

After reading that she’s sent you those pictures I think I’d call her a cunt and block her. I guess your response will depend on the existing relationship and how much you need to be in touch. Harder with mum or sister for example.

Dont speak to them.

If she’s that irritating I just wouldn’t spend time with her tbh. Although there’s nothing you can do to change her mind, some people will always be convinced of something even when they’re completely wrong. Let them crack on with being clueless I say. It’s a waste of time doing otherwise.

Honestly? Just let them think what they like! You've told them the truth, if they choose to disbelieve you, let them. Their opinion is of no consequence and says more about them than it does about you.

Well done on your weight loss and fitness, it's not easy and you should be proud of yourself!

Is this your mum? Mine used to bang on about my weight until I shut her up. She did the same re dc: I ended up asking if she’d like to know when I’d had sex with my Dh.

If it’s a close relative, it is difficult to tell them to shut up and you can’t prove or disprove what she’s saying. I think I’d be having a bit of a fall out so she takes you seriously.

All kudos to you for doing this without jabs/surgery.

Is she big herself?

Thank you so much for all the supportive messages. Sorry to have posted then disappeared. I went to the gym.

She’s my sister. She does have some good qualities or I thought she did. But quite honestly I’m struggling right now to see her in a positive light. How can your own sister be not on your team?

She is about a size 12 (I’m guessing). She’s disciplined about what she eats. She would never eat a cake or sweets for example and she works very hard in the gym. When I told her recently I was working really hard in the gym, going several times a week, and that once or twice I’d spent two hours there, doing a HIIat class and Pilates,she said “everybody goes to the gym for two hours every day. It’s just normal” I didn’t really see it at the time as her undermining my efforts, I just thought she was probably wrong, but I didn’t challenge her. But I think now she was intentionally pissing on my efforts. I just don’t get her problem with me being slimmish. I should add that my physique is absolutely nothing to write home about. I’m a pudgy old bird just trying to get a bit healthier. nobody is lusting after me or anything like that.

My husband is very supportive and encouraging to me, always. I haven’t told him about my sister’s latest antics as it seems so trivial when he is currently under quite a bit of work stress. He doesn’t need to be infected by her nonsense. I also haven’t told my adult kids what she said. They already think she’s not very nice. And I haven’t yet told my friends about it. And I’m not sure I will as when I see my friends Ed have other nicer things to talk about rather than my empathy-free sister.

I’ll have a think about how best to proceed. I think not sharing information about myself is my first line of defence. Unfortunately I think it’s pointless having it out with her because she will just turn it into a huge drama, with herself as the victim. And I just can’t be bothered with that.

You wonderful strangers have given me so much support and helped me stand back from It and see more clearly what’s going on. I wish I wasn’t so quick to crumple. I think my next project for myself is to defend my boundaries much robustly. I’m really grateful to you all. Thank you. X

Well done. He/she is clearly jealous of your dedication to losing weight. Enjoy the win and don’t allow such negativity impact you.

Practice your best crackly laugh and tell her you've lost weight but she'll always be a Class 1 cow... See less of her. Your mh will thank you for it.

My big sister has always been mean to me. She was the golden child and I was the one who was tolerated but not liked or encouraged.
Last year she seemed to want to do something nice for me and invited me to stay with her for a holiday. Ever hopeful, I agreed.
Apart from the first half hour when she enthusiastically showed me round her new home, she totally ignored me.
On the last day I decided to be mean. I’ve never been mean to her but I’d just had enough and I said a really mean thing. She was so shocked she could hardly process it.
I went home the next day and we haven’t spoken since. I am relieved. I don’t have to try anymore. She followed the family mantra that I was not worth common courtesy, it was my fault that my father didn’t like me. Well you know what? They can fuck off and when they get there they can fuck off some more.

It's a pretty common thing that people get very uncomfortable if someone gets fitter or some other difference that, for whatever reason, threatens them.

I can't remember why but it's written about a lot.

And no, it's not common for people to be in the gym 2 hrs a day..

Ignore her. She's jealous. She's probably like this with everyone who loses weight.

I also have a sister who has been fairly horrible to me for most of my life, so you have my sympathy.
What seems to have toned her right down is me having learned not to get wound up by her behaviour and taking the approach mentioned by PPs upthread and calling it out instead “that’s mean, that’s rude, you’re being weird about this, not this boring shit again…” now she can’t get a reaction she gets bored quickly and moves on.
I think she also knows that I would have no hesitation in holding a boundary and ask her to leave/walk away/go LC if needed so she doesn’t push it, she is very aware that I would protect my peace over keeping the peace.

it’s such a strange dynamic isn’t it? Someone who pretends to be on your team but is in fact acting against your interests. It’s not exactly sisterly. I’m so sorry but well done for finding some snap. That’s what I need.

“Listen sis, your obsession with my weight is weird and unhealthy; it needs to stop. Are you jealous? That’s unfortunate!”

I’m not at all judgmental about how people lose weight, I have nothing against weight loss drugs and if I hadn’t managed without I may well have turned into that avenue next. But I didn’t use them and it’s infuriating when someone claims something that is completely false as fact. It’s positively ghoulish and the height of rudeness for my sister to insist she knows more about me than i know about myself. And even if she believes her own conspiracy theory, I just can’t imagine being the sort of person who believes they have a right to information about another perfectly sane, grown arsed adult. Especially not when that information is medical. Medical privacy is enshrined in law for good reason. If someone doesn’t want to disclose their medications they are perfectly entitled not t do do. isn’t a truth issue, it’s a boundary issue in the person who fails to accept that some things are private and none of their bloody business. My sister was completely out of order. There is simply no merciful perception to be had about her behaviour.

Fat people actually can’t win. We are fat and lazy. And if we try and do something about it, we are accused of cheating, or if we did it without drugs we are now accused of lying about our cheating. The message is that we are simply too fat and lazy to lose weight in the way they see is proper. It’s like a Sisyphean game. They prefer you to suffer more and to diet more, but never actually lose any weight. Why don’t we accuse people who use high blood pressure meds of cheating? Or thyroxine or headache pills? Why are fat people not allowed to benetit from pharmaceutical advances? No wonder so many people on diets give up.

If you are dieting, please don’t give up. Do whatever works for you and ignore ALL the absolutely crazy ghouls who desperately need you to not succeed.