Worried about daughter’s boyfriend and lack of contact or replies

[Craftyclaws04]

Hi, my daughter has been seeing this guy for around 10 months. He picks her up on a Friday and go to his house, then he drops her off Saturday night because my daughter likes to go to church Sunday morning.They live around 20 miles away from eachother and she doesn't drive. I have only met him twice so far, and he barely spoke to me. My daughter sent me a message from his phone a week ago, telling me her phone had broken and to contact me through his messenger account to which I replied to. I sent him a message last night and he's not replied, and it states 'message request'above it. I don't have a good feeling about him, but my daughter would defend him if I mentioned something to her. Any advice please?

Yes it is weird you messaged him because he gave your DD something.

If he didn't have you as a contact in his phone how would he know it was from you when he wouldn't recognise the number?

This is batshit. WTF are you doing? She's twenties and you are sounding off the scale like a controlling DM right now...

Oh yes absolutely!!!

The advice I'd give to the poor boyfriend is to run far and fast! Having a MIL like you would be horrendously claustrophobic...

My mother liked to interfere/judge anyone I dated, so I went out of my way to ensure she had no involvement in my relationships I found moving 8000 miles away helped with this ...

This does sound very overbearing. Your daughter is not a child. You are not overseeing her school friendships.

If you have concerns you deal with your daughter and make sure she knows she has your support, you talk to her about her relationship. Even if it was somehow detrimental you make it easy for her to extricate herself - you don’t try and insert yourself into the relationship.

It just is weird to contact her boyfriend in that way unless he’s signalled he wants that kind of relationship. One of my DC would love it because they are super social and another would run a country mile in horror. They are both lovely people but you would l know exactly which was which if you met them. It wasn’t a gift specifically for you, it was just a way of passing on something he didn’t want. It’s not about manners, it’s trying get your own contact going and crosses a boundary.

It was also not that usual to get a Christmas gift for someone you don’t know - they’d been seeing each other about 3 months and only once a week it seems. That would be a relationship my mother wouldn’t even have known about! But then I didn’t live at home once I left for university so it’s a bit different.

Stop trying. It's inappropriate. You're massively overstepping. But obviously you're ignoring or arguing with everyone who tells you that. You need to back off.

You come across as overwhelming.

Maybe take a step back.

He's probably married . . . hence not seeing her around Xmas.

If she is living with her mother (even though she is an adult and can do what she likes) but her mother never really sees the boyfriend or interacts with him, to me seems quite odd. He comes to the mother's house twice a week for 10 months picking up and dropping off and doesn't chat on the doorstep or come in for a cup of coffee or anything, ever. The dd only sees him at weekends (Friday night really) and never for xmas or birthdays I would be assuming there is someone else a wife or another girlfriend in the wings. You don't stop worrying about children just because they are 'adults' now and I would be a bit worried about this relationship.

I’m polite I’ve got manners but I also have boundaries and don’t overstep or interfere in my adult DS relationship.

Ive only met his gf a handful of times - if he wants me to be more involved, he’ll tell me. I definitely won’t overstep and dress my interference up as ‘manners’

She goes to his house at weekends

Probably to escape her mothers micro management

Are you very religious?
10 months is not very long in terms of a relationship. Its very normal that he is not ready to have contact with you. It does not mean he has something to hide.
I think you should trust your daughter and give it time.
My dh of over 20 years didnt really speak to my parents for the best part of 2 years. He was quite reserved and took a while to warm to them . But now they are all very good friends .

I don't message my PIL directly and I've been with DH for 20 years. Why do you expect a separate relationship with your adult DDs casual boyfriend? I think you're really overstepping and need to lay off.

This 😫 you’re being so overbearing op, your daughter is in her twenties and you’re messaging her boyfriend, who you’ve only met twice, to thank him for giving her, not you, some pies he didn’t like and probably would’ve binned if she didn’t have them. Then stewing because he didn’t immediately answer. You’re being strange!

Wow what a confusing Op, anyway you are not his friend or family, he's your daughter's boyfriend, there is no need to message now, he doesn't need to communicate with you, he's a young lad living his own life,

The message to him is a little odd. He didn't send you the pies. He gave them to your daughter and presumably she thanked him.

It reads as though you jumped on a reason to contact him. And that's probably because you're suspicious of him.

Are you generally a suspicious person when it comes to your children's relationships, or other people in general?

What exactly about this man bothers you? The only think you've mentioned as a reason not to like him is that you've only met him twice and he doesn't seem in a rush to meet you again. That doesn't make him a bad person. He might be shy, or very busy, or socially awkward.

I appreciate he could also be a wrong un, but I don't see anything in your post to evidence that.

You say your daughter usually picks badly. Are you assuming the same again, and holding that against him?

Can you talk to your daughter about your worries?

Could it be that DD wants this relationship separate from her home life? She's young enough to still be forming herself into an independent person. Does she talk about him much to you?